I swear to God this will make you want to kill yourself. Your weight fluctuates and sometimes you are holding more water than usual or you’re body is holding onto some stored fat and is about to get rid of it so just once a week will suffice, and try to keep it to the same day. Once I hopped on the scale after a shower and nearly slit my wrists, but then I realised that I had wet hair and still had the towel wrapped around my head. This took off 2 kilos almost. True story.
IF THE DUDE YOU LIKE STARTS TELLING YOU HOW MANY BROADS HE HAS NAILED THEN RUN
Make your excuses and bail on the man whore. Unless you have a void that needs filling. If so, then please reference my Special Edition on One Night Stands.
TREAT THAT YEAST INFECTION
It ain’t going anywhere until you do something about it. Various things can cause it…knickers that are still a little damp from the laundry, public swimming pools (major ew) and if you are partial to a little, um…’back door action’ then NEVER let him put it in your lady box afterwards. You picking up what I’m putting down?
LOOK AFTER YOUR HANDS
They show your age. Use hand cream regularly, and especially generously before you go to bed. I like Clarins the best, or on a budget…Nivea for hands. And when you are out in the sun put sunscreen on the back of them. Seriously…look at Madonna…her face may be as smooth and taunt as a Brazilian soccer players ass which gives the illusion of her being a spring chicken…but have you seen her hands? Exactly. No botox can fix those bad boys and instead of spring chicken it resembles cooked turkey. Sort it out.
LISTEN TO ‘IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE’
Preferably with an open mind.
IF YOU EVER RUN OUT OF COTTON WOOL, I FIND THAT A TAMPON PULLED APART CAN COME IN HANDY
Although, they ARE mega absorbent, so you may find that half the bottle of your make up remover may disappear. Also, with the little string hanging from it, it kinda looks like you are taking your make up off with a dead mouse. But hey, it IS in case of emergency and beggars can’t be choosers.