Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 47

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO GET PEDANTIC OVER PAINT COLOURS– Whether it’s ‘Ivory’, ‘Old Lace’, ‘Seashell’ or ‘Pearl’ it’s just all fucking WHITE. OK?

BRUNCH IS THE BEST MEAL YOU COULD EVER POSSIBLY HAVE – It basically fills you up until abut 5pm, then you can have dinner then just an apple or something before bed. It’s totes diet worthy. Plus it’s less frowned upon to have booze at brunch. Bloody Mary’s before 9am with your coco pops for brekkie is pushing it really.
PLEASE AVOID GREASY HAIR – It makes you unfuckable.
DON’T BE HANDING OUT ‘XX’ WILLY NILLY – Don’t put a ‘x’ on the end of a message unless you mean it.
DON’T TALK ABOUT TWITTER, FACEBOOK OR ANY OTHER SOCIAL NETWORK SHIT WITH A DUDE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN – You will beige him to tears.
GET RID OF THE BLACK HEADS THAT SURROUND YOUR NOSE – MAJOR cock blockers.
GET YOUR FAVOURITE PHOTOS PRINTED AND FRAMED – Seriously. What is the point of taking loads of photographs, then keeping them on your computer? Or loading them on FB so that knobend from way back can see you and wish he was still with you? Get printing.
IF HE PUTS YOU ON HOLD, HANG UP – Then if he doesn’t call back it means he forgot to or didn’t want to. One is not better than the other.
IF YOU SCRATCH YOUR VAGEEN BETWEEN WAXES, IT LOOKS BAD – I know it’s an itch like no other but peeps will totally think you have herpes. Or crabs. Or crabs with herpes.
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