Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 80



SOMETIMES THE MIRROR DOES LIE

Like usually right before your period you will feel like a fleshy blob. Your hair will be the worst its ever been, ALL of your clothes will look shit and your stomach will be sticking out like you are in your third trimester. Except, to everyone else you just look the same as you always do.  Same goes for when you think that everything is going wrong and the most menial of tasks become a struggle, it usually just means that you need an early night. A little perspective please.

 

PHONE SEX

Do it. It is amazing. You don’t have to say ‘I’m rubbing my pussy’ – of course you are! Just give him a little story. Tell him what you want to do to him. Say ‘cock’ a lot…they love that. Say ‘suck’ a lot…they like that too. Say ‘I want to suck your cock till I gag’…they will probably ask you to marry them. They want you to tell them that there is nothing you love more than having a good ‘ol ‘suck’ on their big (make sure you emphasize the word big) beautiful COCK. Cockity cock cock cock.  Dick is good too.  However, ‘schlong’ ‘cute’ ‘small’ ‘soft’ and ‘snail’ should all be avoided.

 

YES IT IS TOO SOON

Hey, I’m hardly the poster child for appropriateness, but making jokes about natural disasters, deaths and tragedy’s on the day or during there occurrence makes you a wanker. AT LEAST have the social intelligence to not put it as a facebook status update or on twitter.  Someone involved might see it and they will be hurt, why would you want to do that? People like you probably piss on public toilet seats and don’t clean up after yourself.

 

YOU ARE WHAT YOU TWEET

I near damn unfollow a thousand dropkicks everyday because of WHINGING. God. Keep it tight yo! A slight humorous innuendo is sufficient for a bit of a vent but making your big ‘everybody hates me, I think I’m gonna eat some worms’ announcement is all a bit cringey. Same with being boring. Also, if you have about 52 lists and can tell instantly who follows and unfollows you its a bit sad really.  Lord knows it can cut quite deep when you discover someone has unfollowed you, I know! But find out by accident, why trawl and check to see if they are still there? It’s embarrassing! Fuck knows what people must think of me on twitter….why don’t you write a blog about it? *you can’t see, but I’m showing you the middle finger*

BEST THING TO HAVE ON A TOASTED BAGEL …

Cream cheese and pesto. It’s the hot damn future yo

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