OK, so I’ve been around for 28 years now and I’ve gained alot of baggage (both physically and emotionally) and with it, comes experience…so listen up my lovely’s…
I’m not joking. Take $40 of your hard earned cash and by yourself a cute little vibrator in a girly colour like pink or lavender. PLEASE avoid those life size, flesh coloured monstrosities, they are not chic and the height of tackyness. Then settle down and enjoy some ‘me’ time. This is important. You need to know that those feelings you can get from sex are not because of the boy giving them to you, it’s because you are a WOMAN with a powerful body and you are doing that yourself. You don’t need a shitty boy to give you those feelings. I wish my mum told me this when I was younger so I didn’t go through life attaching emotions to dudes who made me feel wonderful when all I had to do was service myself. Then save the good stuff for somebody worth it.
USE EYE CREAM AND REMOVE THAT GUNKY MASCARA BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.
Seriously, those fucking wrinkles appear out of no where. And EVERYONE knows the eyes are the first to age. It’s never too young to start so just do it. Go! Go now! Do it!
WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT.
Sod funny looks from people and trying to ‘fit in’. You are creative and beautiful and people who snigger are just jealous of your bravery. Do it. Clash colours, wear heels to the supermarket, try that green eye shadow. Why the hell not?
DRINK LOADS OF WATER.
This is the truth. It’s the best thing for your skin. Every magazine and every celebrity tells you to do it. They aren’t lying.
LISTEN TO THE PIXIES.
They are the best band in the world. The end.
CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF AND PAY YOUR WAY.
If you are living at home past the age of 18 and you aren’t a student, give your mum some dosh for the damn groceries. Clean the toilet. Make your bed. Welcome to the real world sunshine.
YOU KNOW THOSE BITCHES AT SCHOOL WHO ALWAYS CALL YOU NAMES AND MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL?
By the time they are 25 they’ll have 2 kids, be in a unhappy marriage and start to look like their mums. This is no joke.
GET INTO ART.
There is seriously something for everybody. It’s wonderful. Try it.
DON’T GET THAT TATTOO TILL AFTER YOU ARE 25!
You will hate it. You really will. Your twenties are all about growing and learning the lessons. Do you even like the things or dressed like you did last year? What makes you think that ink you got when you were 18 will still be relevant when you’re 30? Think about it baby. Imagine having a tribal butterfly tramp stamp at the base of your back! Yeah ’cause um…it’s not like I would know…or anything. So um yeah.