It’s my birthday and I’ll advise if I want to

With my pending birth nuptials tomorrow, I am feeling pretty ‘meh’ , thus causing me to write. I’m turning 29, which means it’s almost the end of my twenties which means I will soon no longer be a ‘pretend’ adult and have to be a real one. Imma have to get used to the number 3 pretty damn soon innit? Here are 29 things I have learnt …

  • NOBODY WILL JUDGE YOU IF YOU OPT FOR CUTLERY – I never quite got the hang of chopsticks.
  • IF HE CAN’T GET HARD THE FIRST TIME, DUMP HIM – Brutal, but you know it makes sense. 
  • THE ‘ADVICE’ IN FASHION MAGAZINES ARE WRITTEN BY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED BORING BITCHES WITH ZERO IMAGINATION – Except for Vogue. And Yen – because I am doing the writing for that one. Contradiction you say? Fuck off, it’s MY blog.
  • PARTY HARD – As long as its not hurting anyone and you’re having a good time. And go easy on the party favours.
  • START SAVING AS SOON AS YOU START EARNING – Getting sexy new things is dope, but being broke ain’t sexy.
  • USE EYE CREAM – Prevention is way better than the fuck show that is botox.
  • MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON YOUR GUT INSTINCT – And not based another persons agenda. The only person who has your best interests at heart is YOU. And God – and not even he speaks up when you most need him.
  • STAY IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE THAT MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU – Even if it’s just one email a year, it makes the difference. 
  • IF YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE IN, GET OUT EARLY – Don’t stretch it to longer than a year. And when I say doubts I mean life changing doubts, not doubts about curtain colours.
  • DON’T LIKE YOUR JOB? – Change it. It really is that simple and you know it.
  • DON’T BE AFRAID OF HARD WORK – And don’t let hard work fuck you.
  • TRY NOT TO OVER ANALYSE EVERY FREAKIN MOVE – Risks are good for the soul. Well, maybe not for the soul, but they make you hella less boring.
  • MOISTURISE – Dude, I’m serious. Shit gets real if you don’t keep that shit smooth.
  • YES GIRLS, THERE IS SUCH A THING AS FEMALE EJACULATION – If homeboy is able to make you squirt…he’s a keeper.
  • SO YOU DON’T HAVE A HUSBAND/MORTGAGE/KIDS – AND YOU ARE ALMOST 30? – *round of applause* you’ve obviously been having a life. And you do have all those things? Ditto. Different strokes for different folks peeps.
  • YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOVE THE SKIN YOU’RE IN – Plus you will learn to rock the hell out of it.
  • WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK? Nobody. That’s who.
  • HAVE LOTS OF SEX – Lots.
  • YOUR FOLKS AREN’T PERFECT – It doesn’t make them bad people it just makes them people. You aren’t meant to be under their wings forever anyway. Fly my babies…FLY!
  • GET RID OF DEAD WEIGHT – And by weight I mean physical as well as any people clutter you may have hanging around. You are allowed a certain amount in your twenties, but near the end you need to start doing some emotional/physical/people spring cleaning yo!
  • TRAVEL – Going to resorts in Bali/Phuket/Mauritius/Mangaluf/Benadorm don’t count. Yes, fight me on this all you want – care factor: zero
  • USE A FUCKING CONDOM – For the love of God and unwanted pregnancies/genital disease.
  • TATTOOS ARE FINE – Just don’t choose dumb ones and don’t be hasty.
  • FIND OUT WHAT YOU ARE GOOD AT – And pimp the life out of it. You were meant to, it’s why you have the talent! Singing/drawing/writing/painting/selling stuff/teaching/creating/being good with kids/being good with animals/blow jobs/making people laugh/dressing well/doing fancy things on the internet (not making DIY porn with an unsuspecting other) – whatever it is … just do it.
  • DRESS TO IMPRESS – If for no other reason than it is alot of fun.
  • READ THE PAPER, WATCH THE NEWS – We live in a fucked up world, and it’s better the devil you know.
  • BEING A RACIST OR A HOMOPHOBE WILL GET YOU NOWHERE – Like, it will totally get you voted off the island.
  • GET RID OF YOUR ‘TYPE’ AND BE OPEN TO ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE, IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES – Broaden your horizons, there are many undiscovered treasures out there in the form of some quite wonderful people. And be aware, there are also a fair few cunts.
  • LIFE ISN’T A RACE, IT’S A MARATHON – A 19 year old said this to me a month ago. Go Figure.


6 Comments on It’s my birthday and I’ll advise if I want to

  1. ahhhh, that was so good.

  2. Best thing I've read in quite a while!

  3. Definitely one of my favourites :) and happy birthday tomorrow. (and happy birthday to me too, we're exactly a decade apart which is kinda crazy)
    Have a fab night and party hard x

  4. millions of kisses x

  5. Happy birthday for ages ago!

    Also, thank you for giving me about five minutes of delighted daydreams. "Alot of fun"!

    I'm sorry. It was just too fantastic to miss.

  6. wowza…I thought I was going alright with my following then I peeped yours! You are rulin x

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