It’s my birthday and I’ll advise if I want to

With my pending birth nuptials tomorrow, I am feeling pretty ‘meh’ , thus causing me to write. I’m turning 29, which means it’s almost the end of my twenties which means I will soon no longer be a ‘pretend’ adult and have to be a real one. Imma have to get used to the number 3 pretty damn soon innit? Here are 29 things I have learnt …

  • NOBODY WILL JUDGE YOU IF YOU OPT FOR CUTLERY – I never quite got the hang of chopsticks.
  • IF HE CAN’T GET HARD THE FIRST TIME, DUMP HIM – Brutal, but you know it makes sense. 
  • THE ‘ADVICE’ IN FASHION MAGAZINES ARE WRITTEN BY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED BORING BITCHES WITH ZERO IMAGINATION – Except for Vogue. And Yen – because I am doing the writing for that one. Contradiction you say? Fuck off, it’s MY blog.
  • PARTY HARD – As long as its not hurting anyone and you’re having a good time. And go easy on the party favours.
  • START SAVING AS SOON AS YOU START EARNING – Getting sexy new things is dope, but being broke ain’t sexy.
  • USE EYE CREAM – Prevention is way better than the fuck show that is botox.
  • MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON YOUR GUT INSTINCT – And not based another persons agenda. The only person who has your best interests at heart is YOU. And God – and not even he speaks up when you most need him.
  • STAY IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE THAT MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU – Even if it’s just one email a year, it makes the difference. 
  • IF YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE IN, GET OUT EARLY – Don’t stretch it to longer than a year. And when I say doubts I mean life changing doubts, not doubts about curtain colours.
  • DON’T LIKE YOUR JOB? – Change it. It really is that simple and you know it.
  • DON’T BE AFRAID OF HARD WORK – And don’t let hard work fuck you.
  • TRY NOT TO OVER ANALYSE EVERY FREAKIN MOVE – Risks are good for the soul. Well, maybe not for the soul, but they make you hella less boring.
  • MOISTURISE – Dude, I’m serious. Shit gets real if you don’t keep that shit smooth.
  • YES GIRLS, THERE IS SUCH A THING AS FEMALE EJACULATION – If homeboy is able to make you squirt…he’s a keeper.
  • SO YOU DON’T HAVE A HUSBAND/MORTGAGE/KIDS – AND YOU ARE ALMOST 30? – *round of applause* you’ve obviously been having a life. And you do have all those things? Ditto. Different strokes for different folks peeps.
  • YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOVE THE SKIN YOU’RE IN – Plus you will learn to rock the hell out of it.
  • WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK? Nobody. That’s who.
  • HAVE LOTS OF SEX – Lots.
  • YOUR FOLKS AREN’T PERFECT – It doesn’t make them bad people it just makes them people. You aren’t meant to be under their wings forever anyway. Fly my babies…FLY!
  • GET RID OF DEAD WEIGHT – And by weight I mean physical as well as any people clutter you may have hanging around. You are allowed a certain amount in your twenties, but near the end you need to start doing some emotional/physical/people spring cleaning yo!
  • TRAVEL – Going to resorts in Bali/Phuket/Mauritius/Mangaluf/Benadorm don’t count. Yes, fight me on this all you want – care factor: zero
  • USE A FUCKING CONDOM – For the love of God and unwanted pregnancies/genital disease.
  • TATTOOS ARE FINE – Just don’t choose dumb ones and don’t be hasty.
  • FIND OUT WHAT YOU ARE GOOD AT – And pimp the life out of it. You were meant to, it’s why you have the talent! Singing/drawing/writing/painting/selling stuff/teaching/creating/being good with kids/being good with animals/blow jobs/making people laugh/dressing well/doing fancy things on the internet (not making DIY porn with an unsuspecting other) – whatever it is … just do it.
  • DRESS TO IMPRESS – If for no other reason than it is alot of fun.
  • READ THE PAPER, WATCH THE NEWS – We live in a fucked up world, and it’s better the devil you know.
  • BEING A RACIST OR A HOMOPHOBE WILL GET YOU NOWHERE – Like, it will totally get you voted off the island.
  • GET RID OF YOUR ‘TYPE’ AND BE OPEN TO ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE, IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES – Broaden your horizons, there are many undiscovered treasures out there in the form of some quite wonderful people. And be aware, there are also a fair few cunts.
  • LIFE ISN’T A RACE, IT’S A MARATHON – A 19 year old said this to me a month ago. Go Figure.

 

6 Comments on It’s my birthday and I’ll advise if I want to

  1. ahhhh, that was so good.

  2. Best thing I've read in quite a while!

  3. Definitely one of my favourites :) and happy birthday tomorrow. (and happy birthday to me too, we're exactly a decade apart which is kinda crazy)
    Have a fab night and party hard x

  4. millions of kisses x

  5. Happy birthday for ages ago!

    Also, thank you for giving me about five minutes of delighted daydreams. "Alot of fun"!
    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

    I'm sorry. It was just too fantastic to miss.

  6. wowza…I thought I was going alright with my following then I peeped yours! You are rulin x

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