I remember the first time I got waxed back in 2003. I went to this woman called Otylia Roberts who has a salon behind Selfridges in London. The reason why I went to this very stern no fucking around European was because they did a documentary on the new ‘trend’ of Brazilian waxing on the telly and she was featured. I quite liked the idea of being bald DOWN THERE and I wanted some no fuss professional and not some nervous 19 year old with shaky fingers straight out of beauty school.
Well apparently the whole of London saw the same documentary because I could not get an appointment for 6 weeks. Also, sometimes she was closed for the day because she had to make a special trip to Victoria Beckham’s home because Mrs Beckham preferred having her snatch waxed in the privacy of Beckingham Palace. OH REALLY. Eventually ‘The Day’ came and I would be pubic hairless for a minimum of 2 weeks…YES. I went in, stripped from the waist down, hopped on the bed and concentrated on my breathing. It’s not so much the pain I was dreading, but more getting my vajay out under fluorescent lights. I forgot about my embarrassment fairly quickly after experiencing the WHITE HOT SEARING PAIN of the first yank of my pubic hair being ripped out by the root from my vulva. 60 quid later (yeah it ain’t cheap) I kinda limped out the salon vowing never to do that again EVER. But 8 years on…I am still a waxed woman. As they say, once you go wax you never go back. Let’s talk more…
Of course it fucking does. It’s like asking a woman who has just given a birth or a dude who has just had his face tattooed ‘does it hurt?’ OF FUCKING COURSE. But the outcome far outweighs the experience in all these cases and that is why people do it more than once. It hurts and then 2 seconds later it’s over. There are things you can do to make it easier but it is never going to feel like you’re being licked out by a kitten. Popping some painkillers an hour before makes a bit of a difference. Also, make sure the place you’re going uses HOT WAX and NOT that strip stuff. Fuck me I went to this place once that used strip wax and I nearly put that bitch through a wall. Some will use strip wax for the ‘outer parts’ but when it comes to the lips and the insides and your um, ass and the mother ship aka ‘The Bonnet’ as I like to call it, it is HOT WAX ALL THE WAY. Reason being is that it gets all the hair out the first time a lot better and they don’t need to go over it as much. Another difference is if your beautician isn’t a royal idiot. I have had me some special cases hey. One girl waxed me to the table. I’m not even joking and DON”T YOU DARE LAUGH. I felt like waxing her nose off.
TRIAL AND ERROR.
Waxing is all about recommendations hey. First thing I do when I move to a new city is I ask my girlfriends who does their waxing and compare notes and THEN go. I have just booked in and risked it at random places in the past and often I have been pleasantly surprised and other times I came out wondering if I still had a vagina. And don’t think that just because the place is fancy with posh towels that they won’t fuck it up. It’s not the place that’s the issue, it’s the torturer wielding the wooden spatula. You can go to some dive down an alley called ‘Body Beautiful’ and they could do a better job than some wank fest place.
BE PREPARED TO FEEL LIKE A TWAT.
Look, they’re gonna offer you the disposable knickers but you might as well decline I mean, whats the point? My theory is, is that they have seen 4870 pussy’s and yours is definitely not going to be the weirdest. So get nekkid. Then comes the part when you have to spread your legs and bend your knees and stare at the ceiling. Then you will probably have to pull your knee’s to your chest and try not to fart. I know. It’s God awful. But fuck it. Just do it and get it over with.
Unless you are into some kind of wack self harm. Shaving in between makes the hair grow back thicker and a lot more course and when that shit gets yanked by the wax you will loathe the day you ever laid eyes on a razor. Also, it makes the hair grow back uneven so it takes a few waxes to get it all growing at the same time blah blah…the wax lady can fill you in. But srsly…I’m telling you this because I love you.
Exfoliate. It’s the only thing that can help prevent ingrown hairs. Although I have to say…ingrowns are inevitable. I’m sorry. All you can do is try to prevent them by exfoliating and using a medicated wash on the OUTSIDE of your vagina. Something with tea tree oil is ideal. Shit does wonders! Do not wash your inner lips with this stuff please unless you love the idea of the thrush fairy.
GUYS DIG IT.
Nothing surprising there. They have become spoilt fucking brats if you ask me. Now it’s EXPECTED that we are hairless in our nether regions and I find it rather amusing. I mean I get it, if I was a dude I would prefer a perfectly pampered peachy pussy with no wire like pubes but I find it HIGHLY obnoxious when they walk around specifying what they want. Yeah well we like at least 7 inches fussy pants! Why don’t you go sort THAT out? I will admit though, it is kind of fun seeing their face when they cop a feel for the first time. After I had my first wax I was talking about at the beginning of this post, I went and bought a pair of crotchless knickers. It was my boyfriends birthday. Say no more. My point is though, I have done this every month since then (boyfriend or not) and I do it FOR ME because I prefer it and I cannot stand the itch caused from regrowth. there are only so many ways one can disguise copping a sneaky scratch…if you know what I mean.
LASER HAIR REMOVAL.
Nope haven’t tried it yet. Loads of people have told me about it and I’m down. But then I’ve heard about it not working or the hair growing back or it feeling like you’ve been flicked with a rubber band. Sweet.
These are all tried and tested by yours truly and I recommend with full faith. LOOK AFTER YOUR PUSSY. And finally…