I get loads of emails everyday from people asking me questions and for advice and then going ‘Please don’t post my name!’ well I won’t, but I will summarise your emails and letters and compile it into one big juicy informative post.
Dear OWL, just before my period I feel fat and gross and oily. Does everyone feel like this?
Hi! Yes. Yes we do. Plus even though you feel like a blimp and you hate everyone you will still choose to eat your weight in cheese or chocolate or chips…’CH’ things that are all bad for you. But do not despair! Because once it’s over, you will feel like your old self again. But yeah, most women want to hang themselves during their period. Have you also noticed that you have never been that horny during that time? The irony is heartbreaking.
Dear OWL, this might sound weird, but is it normal for real girls to have wrinkly vagina lips? I was about to go down on my girlfriend for the first time but got grossed out when I saw her pussy- the skin was kinda saggy and stuff… anyway I think she might have been offended by my reaction. what can I do to make her feel better without being awkward?
Eat her out like it’s for sale and rent is due. And also, vaginas are all different and not as um, robust as those you might see on your porn collection. Your penis better look like Gods gift mate.
Dear OWL, I went on a date with this guy, it went really well! We kissed at the end and he said he would call me but it’s been a week. Do you think he still might?
Who knows! Maybe…maybe not. Just go on with your life and don’t expect anything from it. But I’ll be honest, it’s not looking good.
Dear OWL, the other night after sex I did a fanny fart! I was so mortified! Is this normal?
Yup. Laugh it off. OR you can do what I saw on a porn vid the other night and turn around and say real aggressively, ‘Hear that? That’s my pussy talking to you’.
Dear OWL, I am always admiring your acrylic nails! How long have you had them and do you recommend the acrylic route?
I’e had my claws for 6 years. I don’t really remember ever not having them…they’re just a part of me now. Yeah sure, acrylics are cool. Yes they ruin your real nail just like hair dye ruins your real hair, smoking ruins your lungs and heels give you ingrown toenails. Nails grow back though so who cares? Go forth and get acrylic’d. PS, the trick is to find a good technician. I’ve had some shockers…but generally it’s hard to fuck up.
Dear OWL, what is the best way to clean my foreskin?
Bleach and a toothbrush.
(Seriously? Is this my life now?)