Right look. I’m not one to dress people in pansy shit. I have to quote one of my favorite broads MS FITZ when she say’s ‘Sorry. I don’t dress pedestrians. I dress icons’. My mum tells me I look like I get dressed in the dark…sometimes I do. Also, I hate the ‘dress like this’ pages in wanky magazines so this isn’t me tryna get you to all look the same and be all ‘you should wear loud colours and sport hooker nails’. No. It’s about making the most with what your mama gave you and being fun and individual. Whatever look you want to achieve or steeze you want to rock is fine by me. Just keep it original and remember that the cherry on the red velvet cupcake for any outfit, is the ‘tude (attitude, but with a cooler name) in which you approach it.
- Please remember to remove the price from underneath your new shoes. Attention to detail please ladies. God, it’s even worse if you got them in the sale and there is a massive red marker pen price … nobody will want to marry you. I reckon street hookers should have their price under their shoes though…discreet yes?
- Those itty bitty skirts that you CONSTANTLY have to pull down? You look like two things 1) uncomfortable; 2) highly USER friendly…if you know what I mean…:/ Seriously girls, I’m partial to a mini skirt myself but anything that requires ‘fiddling’ like skirts/cunt scarves that need pulling down, boob tubes that need pulling up etc just make everything awkward.
- ENOUGH with those sandals with the leather material thingie that go around the ankle. Yuck. Puke. Hurl. So over the rainbow with that shit! You know the ones I’m bashing about? THESE God awful things. I don’t care if you like them. Start your own ‘I love leather ankle cuff sandal fuck shows’ blog and build a bridge babe.
- Love, if you are packing a little more meat and gravy on your bones than most, you can’t wear those body con dresses, short shorts or crop tops. It makes you look a gazillion times bigger than you are. Plus, as I’ve said before, you can’t pour 1kg sugar into 500g bag…ya know? And as for the skinny minnies … if you are small chested those tops that have built in cups will make your titties look like 2 fried eggs. No bum? High waisted skinny jeans will make your bum look as flat as a driven over pigeon and that if you lift up your arms you’ll probably fall through your own asshole.
- Stop saving clothes for the ‘right occasion’! Wear the fuckers! OK, mabes a ball gown is a bit much for work…well…is it? Anyway, I know that in Australia it’s a shorts and rubber flip flop culture, but for the love of Mary Elizabeth, will you wear those things that have been in your wardrobe that you are saving for the hot date that never comes? And while you’re at it, chuck the things that are waiting for you to lose weight. You probably wont…and if you do, you will want to buy new things.
- Now I enjoy a bit of OTT steeze on the accessory portion of the evening. However, just letting any old muppet accessorise is like giving a child a loaded bling gun. Don’t put on all your favorite things at once. If you are wearing a huge statement necklace, then maybe go easy on your lobes. Then again, if you are wanting the cluttered ‘loads of jewellery’ look, then make sure it is all in the same colour or made from the same substance. You don’t wanna look like a floor fixture from DIVA. (*cheapo accessory store here in Aus for those who don’t know)
- Do you work in an office? Do you have to wear a smart attire and heels? Do you commute? Now here’s the big question: Do you wear running shoes from home to work and carry your heels in a Harrods bag your Aunt brought back from England for you about 7 years ago? Jesus mos def did not die for YOUR sins. There MUST be better alternatives???
- BinTang singlets and tshirts from Bali? Computer says noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
- Let’s all please just sit down and reflect on the obsession for American Apparel for a second. This brand is the bandwagon of all bandwagons, we’ll call it the ‘Brandwagon’. Sure it’s cool. I mean…it’s pretty inoffensive really…with it being more basic than a sheet of A4 white paper satin finish. It’s just cotton tshirts and shit for the reasonable price of around 4000 bucks though hey? Bargain Wagon.
- Vintage is not always ‘cool’ … sometimes it’s just old crap. It also probs belongs to a dead person. Stop filling your wardrobes with rags that need buttons replacing, rips repairing and things that are uglier than a Heidi Montag’s new face when she cries but you copped it ’cause it only cost like 10 cents or some shit. Be discerning when it comes to vintage owlies!
Rock out with your frock out x