FOR BOYS ONLY
DON’T BREAK UP WITH A GIRL VIA TEXT MESSAGE/TWITTER/FACEBOOK OR GETTING A FRIEND TO TELL HER
Listen, I know you’d rather dangle your balls in a tank filled with flesh eating piranhas than break a girls heart to her face because you feel like a prize asshole but here’s the thing…NOT doing it this way, makes you an asshole. Also, don’t make empty promises by saying ‘I just need space for a while’ or ‘It’s because I had a real bad childhood and I’m scared of getting close’ etc etc … You must (and I cannot emphasise this enough) you MUST be perfectly clear that this is final. Over. Done for. Kaput. Because I’m telling ya fellas, she’ll be dissecting every last word with her friends over ice cream later. DO NOT MINCE YOUR WORDS at the same time, don’t be unkind. She’ll get over it. Really. She will.
COMPLIMENT US, WE LOVE IT
And not in the creepy ‘I love your tits’ kinda way but more along the lines of ‘That dress looks hot on you’ or ‘I like your taste in music’. We aren’t actually that hard to fathom you know. OK maybe we are, but you’ve got this blog now so you’ll be fine.
IN BED, WE LIKE TO HAVE OUR HAIR TUGGED A LITTLE
Not ripped out of our fucking scalp, just a little pull. Do it like you mean it, but don’t forget your own strength. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain, try not to cross that line but by all means…run up to it.
IF YOU WANT TO BE CELIBATE, THEN WALK AROUND WITH YOUR MOBILE PHONE ON A LITTLE HIP HOLSTER OR HAVE ONE OF THOSE BLUE TOOTH MICROPHONE THINGIES
It’s not essential, but it will help.
HIDE YOUR PORN STASH FOR GOD’S SAKE
We know you have it and we are aware that in fact boys will be boys. To be honest with you, most of us might partake in the odd movie watching with you once the relationship progresses…but some things belong in the bottom drawer and not next to the toilet OK?
WE DON’T EXPECT YOU TO HAVE LOADS OF MONEY, DRIVE A FANCY CAR OR HAVE A HIGH FLYING JOB
But we don’t want you to be constantly borrowing money off us and your mates, have no way of getting around and no job. You see gentleman, there comes a time when you have to pull your finger out your ass and grow the fuck up. If you are over the age of 24, are not a student, have a jumbo jet size bong, live with 6 room mates and work at Mcdonalds….well…really? Do I really need to tell you this?