M – is for MAKING OUT.
Nobody makes out anymore! It’s just usually a little bit of a kiss and then BOOM! straight for the crotch. But what about kissing until you get beard rash (better known as ‘pash rash’ in this eloquent country), or when you are grinding on each other so viciously you are in danger of burning a hole in your clothes or when teeth sometimes connect? YUM. Go make out with someone.
N – is for NAKED.
Guess what? A bit of nudity is involved in the process of luuuuuuuuurve making. Yeah I know. Yikes. The other person is about to see parts of you that you hardly ever even see without the help of contortion and a compact mirror. BUT NEVER FEAR! They are feeling just as freaked out about it! Well…not ‘freaked out’ but yeah, stranger is about to see your privates. It’s weird. But it’s sex. And if you’re doing it right, you won’t even notice/care what’s going on. WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT. Real sex is not pretty…that’s why God made porn stars.
O – is for ORGASM.
As in, help a brother out in helping you to achieve one by guiding and softly pointing him in the right direction. Don’t be a lazy bitch afterwards and return the favor. You are a vending machine and the other person expects change. O could also be for OCTOPUS, like have you SEEN that vid that went around where this girl put an entire …um…never mind.
P – is for PUSSY.
Don’t be afraid to say it.
Q – is for QUALITY.
You aren’t a teenager anymore. Conveyor belt sex only turns you into an emotionless robot. Aim for quality or go without. Trust me, a rubbish shag is worse than a night in with the two hands that God gave you.
R – is for RESPECT.
As well as trust. Sex is intimate and it is personal. You don’t necessarily have to love each other, but you should respect each other. No matter what, there is always a chance that it could turn awkward if the person you are sexing is not your respective boyfriend/girlfriend, but a good helping of respect will ensure that awkwardness goes out the window and hopefully no one gets hurt. Nobody wants to hurt anybody do they?
(The irony is not lost on me that I write this on a Saturday night. Excuse me while I finish peeling this label off the bottle)