FUCK THEIR BOYFRIEND / GIRLFRIEND / EX / PERSON THEY HAVE HAD A MAD CRUSH ON FOR AGES AND YOU KNEW ABOUT IT ETC ETC
Do not underestimate jealousy and the monster effect it can have on people. Dudes beat up women over it. Girls pretend they are pregnant over it. And if you dare stand in between them and the person who makes them feel good about living…well, God bless your little sneaky soul.
BUILD FALSE CAMPAIGNS AND RECRUIT ALL TO YOUR CAUSE
So you have beef with somebody? I’m sure you have a good enough reason. If your reason really is good then you will silently seethe and learn to get over it. If you need many to agree with how you feel and need a whole army behind you in your war, then you are going in unarmed and without just cause. Not only is it bullying, it’s hilarious. People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime….for whatever reason. Sometimes you just stop being friends. Sometimes you just fall out of love. Sometimes the very thing that used to endear you to someone will make you want to force them to gargle broken glass. Build a bridge babe.
TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH WEIGHT YOU HAVE TO LOSE WHEN YOU WEIGH UNDER 55KG
Everyone will do the ‘oh shut up you’re amazing’ thing, but secretly they hate you and will wish that you really were fat.
BE LATE ALL THE TIME
People love waiting. Especially if they don’t smoke and their phone has run out of battery. Then when you finally arrive be an asshole. That will really send it home.
BE REALLY RACIST AND/OR HOMOPHOBIC
Threaten to ‘punch a fag in the face’ because he wears skinny jeans. Be really rude to people who can’t speak English and laugh at Big Issue Sellers. You are so awesome dude. WINNER.
DON’T GO DOWN ON YOUR LOVER
Just lay there and have your cock sucked or your pussy licked until you feel like your body is having a convulsion then just say thanks, roll over and go to sleep. And avoid the wet patch at all costs.
BE REALLY, REALLY INCONSIDERATE
Always show up at parties empty handed. Always leave about half a millimetre of milk in the carton and put it back in the fridge. Don’t flush. Talk in the movies and do not put your phone on silent. Borrow things and never return them, or do but return it broken or dirty. Borrow someones car and return it with the petrol light on. Never ever ever clean after yourself in a share house and just generally be a tight little ass for the rest of your easy breezy life.
BE CONDESCENDING AND PATRONIZING
Smile while you insult and make sure your tone is snide and poncy. THAT will really make you as popular as MC Hammer.
PS, I’m perfect.