ADVICE

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 139

Picking up where I left off…am I even allowed? I think I am. It’s a free world after all. The bars we are locked behind are self made and the key is in our back pocket. THE UNCOMFORTABLE THING TO DO IS MOST LIKELY THE RIGHT THING TO DO [...]

2015-04-28 // 0 Comments

Cheer Up, Buttercup – Tips to help you feel better

Life. It’s as much hard work as it is carefree which makes some days better than others. But you know those days where you have that feeling in your waters best described as an ‘impending sense of doom’ and you can’t put your [...]

2014-10-27 // 0 Comments

IT’S ALL A GAME

    It has happened to the best of us. Here you are cruising down the proverbial love highway, listening to some tunes, taking the occasional sip of coffee, sunglasses on, wind in your hair and then suddenly some asshole T bones you with [...]

2013-08-22 // 0 Comments

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 137

The ‘moustache on a stick’ thing and other ‘Movember novelties’ are so tired it has slipped into a coma. Do not even get me started about having them involved in your wedding photos and as for the dress ups in a photo booth [...]

2013-08-19 // 0 Comments

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 136

  If you don’t have special knickers reserved for the days leading up to your period then you are doing it wrong.  It’s easy to ignore the elderly…I get it. We are all a little scared and uncertain of growing old but how can you [...]

2013-08-07 // 0 Comments

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 135

William Morris once said that you should have nothing in your home that you did not know to be beautiful or useful. We are 5 weeks away from that spring clean people. To be quietly confident leaves less room for having egg on your face. Less talk, [...]

2013-07-23 // 3 Comments

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 133

How much of your ‘reality’ is actually perception? There is everyone’s opinion and then there is the truth. Funny thing is, we already know the truth if we are just honest with ourselves for one second. Australian hip hop. No dice. [...]

2013-07-09 // 1 Comment

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 132

There is a saying that goes, ‘a rose won’t become a rose until it passes through some dirt to see the sun’ – makes sense kinda except for the fact that roses grow off a branch. But despite the flaw, I like the saying.  Some [...]

2013-07-02 // 1 Comment

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 131

Why are you recording a video of an artist at a gig? You know you are never going to watch it. Put your phone away and enjoy the experience.  Sometimes, I wish I were a smoker. Only because it seems like something cool to do when you are waiting [...]

2013-06-23 // 2 Comments

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 130

The strip is back! And it’s back because I’m saying it’s back. So now when you go for a Brazillian get a Brazillian which means leaving a tiny, wispy strip. The ‘all off’ is a ‘Hollywood’. They do sex way [...]

2013-06-08 // 0 Comments

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 129

  Often we will see beautiful things, things that will excite us! Dazzle us! Fill us with desire! Then we will get upset because we cannot afford these beautiful things and somehow, feel less validated because of this. The first world [...]

2013-05-28 // 0 Comments

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 128

Now listen up! When you like something like say um, cheese. That does not mean that you need to suck the fucking life out of it. You don’t have to go out and buy cheese clothes and only listen to cheese music and cop a cheese iPhone cover and [...]

2013-05-21 // 0 Comments

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 127

Sometimes (or even most times) it is probably in your best interest to remain silent. One often thinks you have to look at the world as though you are watching a movie. Everyone around you are actors telling you a story, and it is your job to be the [...]

2013-05-16 // 1 Comment

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 126

Conversation comes from a dialogue, not a monologue. Stop just waiting for the other person to finish talking just so you can hear the sound of your own voice.  You can’t change the way people perceive you. You can’t even get angry [...]

2013-05-11 // 1 Comment

TAKE MY ADVICE…I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY PART 125

Back in the day, one’s opinion used to be based on fact, not passion or emotion. Whatever happened to that? Instead of counting the things that you have loved and lost, try counting your blessings for instant gratification. Ladies, if a man is [...]

2013-04-20 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway part 124

It’s ok to love social media. There is no point in berating yourself over using it because you are now part of something that is just modern life. It is how we communicate and consume information, it has even replaced the television for a lot [...]

2013-04-06 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway part 123

If you discover that someone has defriended you on facebook (yes, defriended) distract yourself from adding them as a friend again by looking for your dignity in the toilet. If you are ordering pasta then you don’t need the garlic bread. If [...]

2013-03-21 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway part 122

Before getting dressed in the morning, do your hair and make-up first. That way the clothes will look better when you’re trying them on.  Other people’s personal life decisions are not a reflection of you. If a friend tells you he or [...]

2013-02-28 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway part 121

The art of being cool. It is innate and cannot be bought. To be cool is to have more character than you do shoes and more integrity than you do nice cars and more compassion than visits to the hairdresser.  There is something a little wrong with [...]

2013-02-12 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway part 120

  FML = Fuck My Life. Why would we say that? Let’s all agree to stop saying it. What you put out into the world via your mouth is usually what you get back and being all FML about everything makes you sound ungrateful. It’s not [...]

2013-01-31 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway part 119

When you go to describe something as ‘amazing’ stop! Rethink and come up with an alternative word. To be amazed is to be astonished, to be bewildered with wonderment to be stupefied even!  Perhaps a sunset could be amazing or Beyonce [...]

2013-01-18 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway part 118

With a new year comes resolutions and that is totally cool/normal. Don’t listen to all those lateral thinkers out there with all their ‘It’s just like any other normal day’ hoopla because it ain’t. It is definitely a [...]

2013-01-03 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 117

  Just because you have a presence on the interrrrrrnet does not mean you have to accept all criticism.  And when I say criticism I mean those mean little gremlins that like to call names and be anonymous keyboard warriors.  It’s quite [...]

2012-12-09 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 116

Don’t even think for a single second that you can buy a tub of salted pistachios or cashews and just eat some and out the rest away for later. It’s never gonna happen.  Someone said something wise yet obvious to me the other day and I [...]

2012-11-25 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 115

SOMETIMES LIFE THROWS YOU A CURVE BALL Actually not sometimes…pretty regularly actually.  I reckon we all get the same amount of curve balls in a lifetime but the intervals are different. Like some of us have nice, sporadic curveballs over a [...]

2012-11-12 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 114

Don’t instagram the sunset, enjoy it. Familiarity breeds contempt and its upsetting. Go to the dentist. Don’t put it off because its better in the long run for both your smile and your bank account. People who are the most irritating are [...]

2012-10-15 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 113

Listen to Ella Fitzgerald on sunny days with all the windows open while you clean your house Passive aggressive social media behaviour is for assholes Wear less accessories than you did 2 years ago If you don’t have [...]

2012-09-24 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 112

If you do not have acne prone skin then do not purchase face wash for acne prone skin. It will dry the shit out of it.   So you thought you had a spot here or there and thought you’d take a blow torch to it?  Well good luck with that dry, [...]

2012-09-12 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 111

  YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS… When you get home from work and the last thing you feel like doing is working out because you feel so shit you can either just couch it for the evening and continue to feel shit OR you could drag yourself onto the [...]

2012-08-06 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 110

WHEN YOU REALLY LIKE SOMEONE YOU’LL PROBABLY FUCK UP QUITE A BIT IN FRONT OF THEM. Yes it happens to all of us. Yes it sucks. Yes the object of your affection will think you’re a goose.  No there is not much you can do about it other [...]

2012-06-28 // 0 Comments

Choose your friends like you do your cheese. Wisely.

You never feel self concious around them. This stems from not being afraid of being judged…because let’s be honest, we all fear being judged. Even when people go, ‘I don’t give a fuck, I do what I want’ – they [...]

2012-05-06 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 37

FOR BOYS ONLY  WE DO NOT WAKE UP LOOKING LIKE THIS. I feel like you have this notion that Scarlett Johansson and Katie Perry wake up looking like they have no pores, have zero body hair and don’t indulge in the wonderment that is control [...]

2012-04-23 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 109

LIVE AND LET LIVE. I’m serious about this hey.  You’re on your path and folk are on theirs.  There is no accounting for taste and variety in the spice of life. Hmmm I wonder if I can fit in another cliche here….oh yeah, people in [...]

2012-04-16 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 108

SOMETIMES WHEN YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE BEING MEAN TO YOU, IT’S JUST ALL IN YOUR HEAD. Paranoia is such a cunt hey?  It’s like the absolute worst when you think one of your friends don’t like you because then you assume that [...]

2012-04-01 // 0 Comments

How to make friends and get under the influence with people

YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING.  People bond with each other by sharing something new and interesting and then shutting up and learning.  Give and take.  Push and Pull.  Sometimes, like maybe, if you want, start a sentence [...]

2012-03-22 // 1 Comment

Things that will make you a little happier. I swear.

  EXERCISE. I thought everyone was talking shit. Turns out they weren’t.  There is not enough time to over think and feed paranoia when you are going ham on the cross trainer.  I recommend joining a gym, they actually aren’t THAT [...]

2012-03-15 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 107

COPY CAT’S ARE MORE TRANSPARENT THAN THEY SEEM. We were all blessed with an imagination…an ability to conjure up something great, something wonderful, something unique and relevant to our own personalities.  I know that it can sometimes [...]

2012-02-15 // 0 Comments

Beauty Cupboard – Part 8

Here we have it folks, the new things I love to use and then convince myself that they were worth every penny via the medium of the interwebz.     BARRY M  is no secret to our UK buddies who can cop this fantastic brand all over the [...]

2012-02-10 // 0 Comments

LET’S GET ORGANISED!

It’s the 2nd month of 2012 and I feel only now are we able to implement our resolutions for real because lez be honest, we have still all been drunk as fuck up until now and I had 4 Tim Tam’s today and I’m necking on red wine as we [...]

2012-02-01 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 35

FOR BOYS ONLY   YOU ARE JUDGED BY YOUR SHOES. Different brogues for different hoe’s but we look at them.   TIP. Because being a tight ass won’t let you near our tight ass.   NEVER CANCEL OR POSTPONE BY TEXT MESSAGE. If [...]

2012-01-21 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 106

  STOP BEING SO PRECIOUS WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD. Try it! Ok maybe you had it when you were 9 or something and you hated it but what, you’re like 26 now?  Your tastes have changed! Go on, give it a go…I might be your new favourite [...]

2012-01-08 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 104

FRIENDS. Don’t pretend to be one.  The thing with friends over family is you get to choose them…so they’re almost better than family because they are hand picked and nurtured.  They don’t have to love you regardless and nor [...]

2011-12-14 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 103

Straight up, Imma get straight to it…anal sex. Nothing new as we have touched on this subject many times, but it seems to be cropping up in conversation a lot lately.   Gentleman of modern times have somehow come to the conclusion that this [...]

2011-11-28 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 102

GET OUT THE HOUSE. Staying in and refreshing your facebook page (I see you) ain’t gonna make you feel motivated, less likely to procrastinate or make you a better person.  Instead cabin fever will make you feel isolated, cause you to over [...]

2011-11-20 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 33

FOR BOYS ONLY   WEAR SUITS, BUT DON’T BE ALL ‘I WEAR SUITS’ ABOUT IT. I dunno why, but when men enjoy a good suit they like to scream about it. Suit wearing should be effortless…in my opinion, but then, who else’s [...]

2011-11-12 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 101

GET RID OF DELUSION. I’m telling you, getting rid of pre conceived idea’s and what you THINK is the truth is way easier than trying to figure out what is actually going on.  Delusion leads to failures and broken hearts and all the [...]

2011-11-07 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 100

NOBODY HAS SET THE SAME STANDARDS FOR YOU THAT YOU HAVE SET FOR YOURSELF IN YOUR HEAD. Seriously hey…the reasons why you think people like you or are your friend are usually the total opposite of the truth.  If someone is trying to be your [...]

2011-10-25 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 99

GO SOMEWHERE. In my experience, there is never a good time and you never have enough money to travel.  You just have to suck it up and book it and somehow…and I really am quite positive about this…it all kind of works out and comes [...]

2011-10-13 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 98

IF IN DOUBT, DON’T SEND THAT MESSAGE. You know that pang in your chest of self doubt when you go to drop the ‘hey’. With ‘pang’ is just a nice, short way of saying ‘put the phone down you desperate whore’. [...]

2011-10-01 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 32

FOR BOYS ONLY   THE SEXIEST THING IN A MAN IS HUMILTY WITH A PINCH OF ARROGANCE.  Words are whispers and actions are sirens.   It’s why Beyonce is having Jay’s baby and not Kanye’s.   LOVE THE ONE YOU’RE WITH. I [...]

2011-09-27 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 97

THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND HATE, LAUGHTER AND CRYING AND THE ASS AND THE VAGINA.   SUICIDE IS A LONG TERM SOLUTION TO A SHORT TERM PROBLEM. People do hear your cry for help. You just gotta let them help you.   STOP BEING SUCH A [...]

2011-09-11 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 31

FOR BOYS ONLY ALWAYS ASK It’s not OK to try and go for the er…other hole without asking first .  Neither is it OK to say you won’t cum in her mouth and then you do.   Don’t be such a sadistic bastard.  Half the thrill is [...]

2011-08-29 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 96

SOMETIMES CLOTHES THAT USED TO MAKE YOU FEEL SHIT HOT WILL JUST MAKE YOU FEEL SHIT. It seriously happens to everybody. Somedays you can look fondly at your wardrobe and think ‘fuck I have steeze’ and then other days you will hate every [...]

2011-08-27 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 94

BOOK A DENTIST APPOINTMENT Once a year is enough. Yeah I know it’s expensive but private health is surprisingly affordable so sort it out.  Getting old is hard on the body so preserve what you can and look after the teeth in your head!   [...]

2011-07-19 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 93

SPEND THAT LITTLE EXTRA  I know there is a saying that goes ‘Look after the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves’ or some shit, but hey there are some things that are worth splashing on.  Save 400 bucks on a long haul [...]

2011-07-14 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 30

FOR BOYS ONLY AS THE PHILOSOPHER JANET JACKSON ONCE SAID, ‘YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL IT’S GONE’ In a relationship? You love her? She can cook, great in bed, holds your head when you’re sad and laughs at all your [...]

2011-07-11 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 91

DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP IF YOU STRUGGLE TO HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND WITHOUT GETTING ‘ATTACHED’ Fuck hey. Girls are always giving themselves a hard time over this and it’s ridiculous. If you have a good time with a man and you [...]

2011-06-26 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 90

SENDING NUDES  Sure do it. But leave your head out and avoid any tattoo’s.  Also, if you send them to a bonehead expect said bonehead to let shit ‘leak’.  You can’t get angry with him though, it’s not his fault that [...]

2011-06-14 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 29

FOR BOYS ONLY PLEASE! RATHER JUST SAY NOTHING INSTEAD OF ‘TAKE CARE’  This goes hand in hand with calling us ‘mate’.  It’s kind of the same feeling when you are into a girl and she tells you that you are like a [...]

2011-06-09 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 89

USE THOSE EARTH BRAND PRODUCTS TO CLEAN YO CRIB  I never used to, but then that ad came on the telly where that bird is mopping the floor with an octopus and he looked so sad! I Google’d that shit, and it turns out that those super chemical [...]

2011-05-31 // 7 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 28

FOR BOYS ONLY WE ARE MORE MANIPULATIVE THAN YOU CAN EVER BEGIN TO IMAGINE  It all started when your mum told you that eating all your carrots will make you see in the dark. Or when she made ‘choo choo’ noises with your food and [...]

2011-05-24 // 7 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 88

  DON’T START AN ARGUMENT JUST TO SEE HOW MUCH THEY CARE  There is this new thing where others just feel irritated by insecure people instead of feeling sorry for them. You see, we all have insecurities and we all have different ways in [...]

2011-05-11 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 87

NOBODY CARES THAT YOU DON’T HAVE FACEBOOK Some will just think you are weird and others just get bored when you start to tell them that you ‘miss bumping into your friends on the street’ and over ‘being friends with [...]

2011-05-03 // 8 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 86

OH THE TANGLED LIES WE WEAVE THAT WE ARE NAIVE ENOUGH TO BELIEVE  Sometimes…no actually MOST times we are indecisive so when we think we have made up our mind the need to over articulate and speak about it becomes unbearable. Almost as though [...]

2011-04-25 // 1 Comment

Great ways to make people want to punch you with a brick

FUCK THEIR BOYFRIEND / GIRLFRIEND / EX / PERSON THEY HAVE HAD A MAD CRUSH ON FOR AGES AND YOU KNEW ABOUT IT ETC ETC Do not underestimate jealousy and the monster effect it can have on people.  Dudes beat up women over it. Girls pretend they are [...]

2011-04-14 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 85

SHOUT OUT TO THE HATERS   ‘HATE’ IS SUCH A STRONG WORD  You know why? ’cause it’s the opposite of LOVE. The line is thin between the two and the crossing over from either one is brutal. Conflicting emotions, hurt and [...]

2011-04-09 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 84

LOW SELF ESTEEM FUCKS WITH YOU Man, this shit can kill you quicker than cancer. It eats away at you until you are nothing but a moody, whiny, boring bitch.  We all know that what makes us unhappy about ourselves we can change, yet we struggle to do [...]

2011-03-19 // 6 Comments

I often get emails from readers, but this is a winner.

Yo Miss Owl. Ima tell you a little story inspired by your constant reminders of the importance of cranberry absorption post coitus. You like to share, and I need to vent.   I’ve been on the cranberry for, like, ever now. I’m pretty sure [...]

2011-03-13 // 5 Comments

Owls SEX alphabet: X Y Z

X – is for XXX. Triple X. Adult films. PORN.  Remember when people use to call them ‘blue movies’? WHY? Can someone share some light on this please? Anyway. We have come a long way in regards to this issue. Gone are the days where [...]

2011-03-12 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 83

  LET’S TALK FEMALE EMPOWERMENT FOR A SECOND…  It’s all bullshit…unless you do it for the right reasons. So you’ve had your heart broken, so old mate has a new girlfriend, so you are flailing a little at [...]

2011-03-05 // 0 Comments

Owls SEX alphabet: S – W

S – is for SEX. Sozz. Nothing wack here…just plain old sex.  I have kind of dug my own hole regarding this blog, because now I have created this online persona of being some kind of sex expert. I most certainly am not. I just know what [...]

2011-03-02 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 26

SOME DECORUM WHEN TAKING A LEAK IN PUBLIC PLEASE! At a party a few nights ago a dude who was winning at life stumbled over, whipped his little pecker out and started to pee in a corner right next to us  – the fumes from his 90% beer urine [...]

2011-02-26 // 6 Comments

Owls SEX alphabet: M – R

M – is for MAKING OUT. Nobody makes out anymore! It’s just usually a little bit of a kiss and then BOOM! straight for the crotch. But what about kissing until you get beard rash (better known as ‘pash rash’ in this eloquent [...]

2011-02-19 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 82

  STOP BEING SO SELF INVOLVED Statements like, ‘Oh my word, this creepy guy keeps messaging me’ makes you sound like a dickhead. For one thing, he only KEEPS messaging because you KEEP replying. Then you go and use his determination [...]

2011-02-14 // 0 Comments

Owls SEX alphabet: G – L

G – is for GAGGING. Men are sadistic bastards. They get aroused at the sound of you gagging. But then again, I suppose it does give them the feeling that their member is just so large that you can’t fit your itty bitty mouth around it [...]

2011-02-09 // 6 Comments

Owls SEX alphabet: A – F

A – is for ANAL. Obviously. It seems more and more dudes think it’s on the menu of late.  I mean, it’s a pretty gnarly thing to take it up the Jones hey?  Like, we’re not actually meant to do that. Dudes just see a hole and [...]

2011-02-05 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 81

BACK UP AND DOUBLE CHECK I’m talking about insurance here people. This ‘ere blog was deleted by a little SPAM ‘c’ word and I nearly had a heart attack. Not because of it disappearing, I mean, I can always start again, but [...]

2011-02-01 // 0 Comments

Things you can only do when you are home alone

PUT ON YOUR FAVORITE TRACK LOUDLY AND PRETEND YOU ARE PERFORMING IT I KNOW that you girls are practicing Nicki’s verse in Monster for such an activity. MASTURBATE A LOT Duh! WATCH PORN WITH THE SOUND ON See above. GO ON A ZIT SQUEEZING RAMPAGE [...]

2011-01-15 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 80

SOMETIMES THE MIRROR DOES LIE Like usually right before your period you will feel like a fleshy blob. Your hair will be the worst its ever been, ALL of your clothes will look shit and your stomach will be sticking out like you are in your third [...]

2011-01-11 // 0 Comments

Tips for an easier life

DON’T GET INVOLVED Yeah, you might think you have all the answers and you probably do. But you can’t go around taking on every single situation that crosses your path if it doesn’t have anything to do with you.  Sometimes your [...]

2011-01-09 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 25

FOR BOYS ONLY WOMEN ARE STILL UP FOR CHIVALRY I’m reading your mind right now, and I’m reading that you are thinking ‘Well act like a fucking lady then’ and it’s true! But there seems to be a chicken and an egg sitch [...]

2011-01-05 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 79

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH TANNING TOPLESS ON THE BEACH  Although I will say that you should probably be a little respectful if there is a family nearby with kids.  Kids will point and stare and then the parents feel awkward, and the Dad [...]

2010-12-30 // 0 Comments

Fashion tips straight from the Owl’s beak

Right look.  I’m not one to dress people in pansy shit.  I have to quote one of my favorite broads MS FITZ when she say’s ‘Sorry. I don’t dress pedestrians. I dress icons’. My mum tells me I look like I get dressed in [...]

2010-12-12 // 10 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 78

IF YOU ARE FEELING PARANOID AND SAD, THE WORST THING EVER IS TO GO ON SOCIAL NETWORKS  Oh dear God.  Every single status update, tweet or general comment will be about you.  Well…at least in your head it will be.  You’ll wonder why [...]

2010-12-10 // 4 Comments

JUST PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED

Sometimes … it’s hard to get out of bed in the mornings. The thought of just laying there and maybe taking something in order to fall into a long, blissful sleep from which you can never be woken can sometimes turn a very bleak situation [...]

2010-12-06 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 77

HEY MAN, IF SOMEONE IS AN IRRIT EVERY TIME YOU SIGN ON, DELETE THEIR ASS  I love the delete button.  It’s glorious. You know whats great about living on the internet? The delete button…thats what. But don’t re add then delete, re [...]

2010-12-03 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 23

FOR BOYS ONLY   CLEAN YOUR FINGERNAILS  Else there ain’t NO WAY those bad boys are getting into any of our crevices.  What if you have a bit of happy juice underneath them from when you last performed the Jedi Hand Trick and you give us [...]

2010-12-01 // 0 Comments

You think you better than me?

YOU THINK YOU BETTER THAN ME … because you got more followers on TWITTER? Look at your followers in comparison to the number of tweets you’ve tweeted you twat.  Also, the real boss is the person who has more followers in real life. [...]

2010-11-27 // 8 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 76

STOP GOING OUT WITH WET HAIR! You will catch pneumonia and die. Also, you look ‘unkept’ and ‘pedestrian’ … which is worse than dying.   DO NOT SHAVE BETWEEN WAXING Unless of course you hate yourself.   [...]

2010-11-16 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 75

DON’T BE A DUMB BITCH AND FALL PREGNANT TO HANG ON TO HIM It ain’t fair to a number of people, but namely the unborn child who doesn’t deserve to be some kind of desperate glue to keep two people together who really probably [...]

2010-11-14 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 74

PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE FACEBOOK ARE WEIRD I mean, yeah…talk to them and stuff, but don’t make eye contact.   DO NOT TEXT/FACEBOOK/TWEET DURING A MOVIE You should get a life…they’re nice.   FURTHERMORE, [...]

2010-11-10 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 22

IF A WOMAN DEMANDS SOME KIND OF 30 THOUSAND DOLLAR ENGAGEMENT RING, IT MEANS SHE NEEDS CONFIRMATION THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HER And you probably aren’t ready to get married. I mean fuck, if you are in love then a mood ring would do…ya [...]

2010-11-04 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 73

  WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS  Right I never do this, but I’m gonna speak personally here for a second…it won’t happen again so don’t get used to it.  I write a pretty, shall we say, [...]

2010-11-01 // 13 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 72

TAKE NOTE OF THE GOOD PEOPLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE  Learn from them. Be inspired by them. Don’t resent them…they are in your life for a reason.  People who make you want to be a better person are precious.   ARE YOU [...]

2010-10-27 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 71

THE TRUTH IS ALWAYS THE BEST WAY TO GO  It’s never the easiest but it’s the best. Lies and secrets bog you down and make you frown. And you don’t want no wrinkles up in your grill for at least another 10 years.  Honesty is the [...]

2010-10-24 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 21

FOR BOYS ONLY IF A GIRL TALKS ABOUT HER PERIOD OR FARTS IN FRONT OF YOU, SHE PROBS ONLY WANTS TO BE FRIENDS  This does not apply to long term relationships obvs…those people do loads of wack shit in front of each other.  No chick will do [...]

2010-10-19 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 70

QUIT TRYIN TO PLEASE EVERYBODY AND JUST FOCUS ON YOURSELF  Then you will stop feeling so unappreciated.   *EURGH* MUSICAL ‘KNOW IT ALLS’ JUST SHUT THE HELL UP  Yes it’s all very clever how you know the exact date of the [...]

2010-10-18 // 0 Comments

It’s a breakup because it’s broken

THE WHOLE EVENT IS JUST A SHOW OF FUCKERY There is no right or wrong and nothing about it is easy. It’s like cracking and separating an egg.  You crack the shell (your heart) and tip the egg whites to and fro (your relationship) and try to [...]

2010-10-14 // 7 Comments

It’s the little things that count

  Small things can create big smiles … all to be done in limitation of course…you don’t want shit getting tired, ya get me?   MAKE PANCAKES FROM SCRATCH ON A SUNDAY MORNING If you don’t have a Nigella Lawson book [...]

2010-10-09 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 69

STOP BEING SO DAMN AVAILABLE ALL THE TIME Be offline sometimes.  Then when you are online, people get excited.  Have you ever noticed how you will just start chatting to someone who is online whom you never see online so you just have to grab the [...]

2010-10-07 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 20

FOR BOYS ONLY DON’T ASK US, JUST DO IT I’m talking about the dirty stuff here.  It’s hot if you just take matters into your own hands and own that shit.  Except for where the jizz goes…that’s up to us. Sozz. CALL HER [...]

2010-10-06 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 68

WHEN YOU ATTEND ONE OF THOSE ‘SCHMOOZY’ AKA ‘CUNTY’ EVENTS WHERE EVERYONE THINKS THEY POO ICE CREAM, REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE COOLEST PERSON IN THERE Fuck I hate these things.  Where do these people come from anyway?  Art [...]

2010-10-01 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 67

BREAK UPS ARE PRIVATE So if you are going through one, confide in close friends and when other people ask just give them the facts in order to minimize the gossip festival. IF HE DOESN’T ASK FOR YOUR NUMBER, IT MEANS HE DOESN’T WANT IT [...]

2010-09-29 // 0 Comments

Paranoia – we all get it

Yes we all get those irrational feelings. Sometimes they are justified, other times you are just being a weirdo.  I think it’s comforting to know that others have the same wack thoughts in order to make us feel better about our insecurities. [...]

2010-09-24 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 19

FOR BOYS ONLY   THE MOST OFF PUTTING THING YOU COULD EVER DO IS TO TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY Unlike you boys, we need more than just a pair of tits to give us a hard on.  Make us laugh and best of all, have the ability to laugh at [...]

2010-09-21 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 66

EVERYONE TELLS THOSE LITTLE WHITE LIES TO MAKE THEMSELVES A BIT MORE INTERESTING But here’s the thing…this is the age of the internet. Do you see Milli Vanilli getting away with that shit they did in the 90’s in 2010? I doubt it. [...]

2010-09-17 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 65

It’s a little naughty considering we have hit part 69. Pardon me for being obvious … KEEP IT CLEAN And by ‘it’ I mean your vagina. How can you expect him to savor and worship the glorious natural aroma and alluring chakras of [...]

2010-09-15 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 64

DON’T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR ROOM MATE It never ever ever works out.  It is awkward and you will feel weird afterwards.  If there is sexual tension…well, its the tension that is making things work.  The minute you bang each other, the [...]

2010-09-04 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 63

KICK IT OLD SCHOOL AND GET YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS DEVELOPED And make real life actual albums!  And remember, snaps of your holiday are only interesting to YOU…much like your dreams.  Trim the fat on the boring blow by blow details…i.e. [...]

2010-09-01 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 18

FOR BOYS ONLY OWN AT LEAST ONE SUIT It needs to fit perfectly and make you look like James Bond. It needs to not be polyester.  Your mum shouldn’t have helped you buy it when you were 17 for your year 12 ball.  The sleeves should not cover [...]

2010-08-28 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 62

  SOMETIMES, LIKE EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU I know it sometimes seems that everything in your life is in the toilet and that everyone else around you looks like their life is sparkly and full of rainbows…nah ah [...]

2010-08-27 // 3 Comments

’cause I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby

The things I wish that someone told me … YOU KNOW THAT BOY YOU’RE CRYING OVER?  THE ONE YOU THINK YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT? It’s all bullshit.  In ten no FIVE years from now you will either a) laugh at the fact you ever had [...]

2010-08-26 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 61

DUDE, PRACTISE YOUR SEX FACE IN THE MIRROR Nobody wants to be fucking the scary dude in the white mask from ‘Scream’.  Just be aware is all I’m sayin. SIGN UP TO SOME KIND OF AIR MILE PROGRAMME Don’t you like free things or [...]

2010-08-19 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 17

FOR BOYS ONLY GIRLS STILL STUFF THEIR BRAS  You know how to tell? The spillage is more that whats in the glass…ya get me? WE LOVE IT WHEN YOU SULK  It makes us wanna give you wristies tillz we get pins and needles. Not. LOSE THE MAN BAG  [...]

2010-08-18 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 60

IF YOU ARE FINDING DIFFICULTY IN GIVING YOUR DOG HIS TABLET AND YOU WOULD RATHER POKE YOURSELF IN THE EYE THAN RAM IT DOWN HIS THROAT, PUT IT IN A LUMP OF PEANUT BUTTER…WORKS LIKE A DREAM Thank you ClawMoney!   MAKE SURE YOU LOOK HOT IN [...]

2010-08-16 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 16

FOR BOYS ONLY – A BIT OF A SHOUT OUT I always seem to be having bit of a go…so here’s a bit of a ‘thanks for that’ – this is for the fellas who know what they are doing….x THANK YOU FOR KNOWING THE RIGHT [...]

2010-08-11 // 8 Comments

The things that will make you look like a slut

RIDICULOUSLY SHORT SKIRTS IN MID WINTER – You don’t look hot, you look cold and uncomfortable. STRETCH SATIN – Why not just wear a fishnet bodysuit and get it over with? TAKING IT IN THE BUM THE FIRST TIME YOU GET DOWN – Come [...]

2010-08-09 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 59

PAY YOUR BILLS ON TIME – For many reasons, but mainly because the anxiety of them hanging over your head is way stressful. Plus a clean credit rating is a fun thing to have. KEEP UP THE DIRTY TALK – It’s hot. And it will keep him [...]

2010-08-06 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 58

WHEN YOU BID ON THINGS ON EBAY, YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH CASH MONIES IF YOU WIN – It’s not pretend. YOU WERE NEVER AS FAT AS YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE – And you will never be as thin as you are now. IF HE ONLY RINGS YOU [...]

2010-08-05 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 15

FOR BOYS ONLY NO WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR ‘SCHLONG’ – And stop calling it ‘schlong’, what is this? 1998? You will be hard pressed to find a girl that gets off just by looking at a penis…it takes more than that [...]

2010-08-01 // 5 Comments

It’s my birthday and I’ll advise if I want to

With my pending birth nuptials tomorrow, I am feeling pretty ‘meh’ , thus causing me to write. I’m turning 29, which means it’s almost the end of my twenties which means I will soon no longer be a ‘pretend’ adult [...]

2010-07-29 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 57

JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK IT AND DON’T SAY IT, DOESN’T MAKE YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE – The trick is to fight the urge and try to become a better person. Yeah. I laughed when I wrote that. DON’T CHEAT – It’s a [...]

2010-07-25 // 0 Comments

Dealing with leaving the place you love

The time has come for me to say ta ta to my most favourite place in the world…Londres. Shit, I know I’m from Cape Town and it has a mountain and it’s Africa yadda yadda yadda but man, fuck that shit, I love this massive English [...]

2010-07-20 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 56

GET RID OF THOSE RANDOM HAIRS THAT GROW AROUND YOUR NIPPLES – Don’t get grossed out, you know they happen. Grab your tweezers and sort that shit out please. YOU CAN’T USE THE EXCUSE THAT YOU WERE DRUNK WHEN YOU HOPPED INTO BED WITH [...]

2010-07-09 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 14

FOR BOYS ONLY STOP BEING A WIMP – There is a fine line between being sensitive and being a pussy. The former is attractive, the latter makes our vagina dry. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE WITH HER ANYMORE, BREAK UP WITH HER IN A KIND, HONEST [...]

2010-07-08 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 55

GET ENOUGH SLEEP – You may think you are laughing in the face of the sandman, but that little fucker will chuck you under a sand dune when you least expect it. Don’t underestimate the power of the slumber, and get some shut eye. You are [...]

2010-07-03 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 54

THERE IS LITTLE OR NO SHAME IN ORDERING HALF A PINT – Same goes with spritzers. YOU CAN’T GET ANGRY WITH SOMEONE IF THEY COPIED YOUR TATTOO, WHEN IN FACT YOU GOT THE SAME ONE AS A CELEB – It’s just going down the line innit? [...]

2010-06-18 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 53

IF YOU THINK YOU DON’T LIKE A KIND OF FOOD, YOU PROBABLY ACTUALLY DO – Like I used to think I hated curry, then I had it for the first time tonight and it was like the world cup in my mouth. Pretty wonderful. Except I defs know that I [...]

2010-06-12 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 52

IF YOU FEEL YOU MAY HAVE BEEN ON A SEXUAL CONVEYOR BELT, GET THE HELL OUT – You are better than being a notch on the bed post. If you don’t think so, he won’t think so. ED HARDY IS THE BRAND OF NUMB NUTS – Stay away from it [...]

2010-06-06 // 7 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 51

YOU DON’T WANNA BE BRINGING OUT ALL YOUR TRICKS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE SEX – Easy does it tiger. Why watch the whole show if all the good things happen in the beginning? TOTES LOOK INTO SOME KIND OF ‘FEM FRESH’ PRODUCT [...]

2010-06-04 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 50

DON’T OVER APOLOGIZE – If you are like me, then you will over analyse the situation thus become more paranoid than a junkie which means you may try to over compensate. Don’t. It does nobody any good and it makes you look weak. TRY [...]

2010-06-01 // 2 Comments

Knob End Alerts

The following are fairly good indicators of a wanker, or a group there of. As usual, take this post with the proverbial, some people just have poor judgment and are not necessarily wanky. But unfortch, these things usually mean they are. Hummer [...]

2010-05-31 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 13

FOR BOYS ONLY IF A GIRL MESSAGES AND CALLS YOU INCESSANTLY IT’S BECAUSE SHE HAS TOO MUCH TIME ON HER HANDS – Sometimes it would seem that she may be obsessed, and often it is, but it’s also out of boredom or because you said you [...]

2010-05-27 // 5 Comments

OWL’S SOFA: ‘Do we screw the crew?’

“Dear Owl, I am interested to hear your thoughts on the “Don’t Screw The Crew”* principle… Forgive me if this is a topic you have already covered! Was just pondering it on the walk to work, and realised of late I have been in [...]

2010-05-27 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 49

DON’T THINK BECAUSE YOU ARE INTO SOME OBSCURE BAND NO ONE HAS YET HEARD OF, YOU DON’T PARTAKE IN REALITY TELEVISION VIEWAGE AND THAT YOU’RE A VEGETARIAN YOU ARE COOLER THAN EVERYONE ELSE – You ain’t. SPEAKING OF [...]

2010-05-25 // 0 Comments

Wear Sunscreen by Baz Luhrmann

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense [...]

2010-05-21 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 48

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE – Probs the only thing that you really need to take from the Bible. BE CAREFUL HOW YOU DRESS DURING WINTER – If you go out on a night with a minus 5 degree temperature, and all you are wearing is a tight, [...]

2010-05-19 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 47

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO GET PEDANTIC OVER PAINT COLOURS– Whether it’s ‘Ivory’, ‘Old Lace’, ‘Seashell’ or ‘Pearl’ it’s just all fucking WHITE. OK? BRUNCH IS THE BEST MEAL YOU COULD EVER [...]

2010-05-12 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 12

FOR BOYS ONLY YOU SHOULD BE LIKE JAY Z – And you should seek your Beyonce. Girls have game nowadays. They got money, a personality, hustling skills, imagination, most are more liberal in bed etc. Don’t be intimidated. Embrace it. Become [...]

2010-05-12 // 4 Comments

What they really mean when they say…

“I’ve just been real busy” = He can’t be fucked. “I was gonna come meet you but I fell asleep” = He can’t be fucked. “I have to do something else first, but I can meet you at about midnight [...]

2010-05-11 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. PART 46

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? – What do you mean you don’t know? These are one of the questions one needs to know the answer to in order to realise and define your personality. It goes along with your favourite colour, what kind of music [...]

2010-05-10 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 45

THE ODD DRESS UP/ROLE PLAY GOES DOWN A TREAT – Please note: The nurse/police/air steward outfit is for bedroom only…NOT Halloween. But then again, these are all predictable and obvious. Rather use your imagination and get involved in [...]

2010-05-08 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 44

THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION OF ‘CROISSANT’– This is a tricky one. Because if you pronounce it as it’s spelt when you’re in Europe, you seem like an uneducated pleb. Pronounce it correctly here in Aus and you sound kinda [...]

2010-05-06 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 43

JUST BECAUSE YOU TOOK A BOY HOME, DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO SEX HIM – It may have seemed like a good idea at the club but if in the cold light of your apartment/hotel room you decide you are no longer feeling it, you ain’t obliged [...]

2010-05-05 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 42

BEWARE OF TOOTHPICKS – They get the irrit bits of animal flesh out of the gaps between your molars, but they fuck up your gums. JUST BECAUSE IT’S OLD, DOESN’T MEAN IT’S ‘VINTAGE’ – Or cool for that matter. [...]

2010-04-28 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 11

FOR BOYS ONLY ROSARY BEADS COULDN’T BE MORE OVER – Yes David Beckham kinda looked hot in them in …when was it? 2001 maybe? But now it’s just lame ESPECIALLY if you aren’t even remotely religious. It’s just my [...]

2010-04-22 // 7 Comments

Beauty Cupboard Part 1

Yup, I’m about to share with you my most fave products that ever lived – and trust me, I’ve done the legwork. I have such an obsession with make-up, skincare and fragrance because it is THE best treat you could possibly buy [...]

2010-04-18 // 8 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 41

THE WORD ‘PAKI’ IS NOT COOL – Not everyone who looks like they could be from Pakistan are from Pakistan. How would you feel if you were called an American if you were Canadian? Irish if you were Scottish? Kiwi if you were Aussie? A [...]

2010-04-17 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 40

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE ONE OR THE OTHER – Just because you are hooked up does not mean that it needs to be DVDs and cuddles every God. forsaken. weekend, nor does it have to be all hip hop till you don’t stop every night either. Mix [...]

2010-04-12 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 39

IF A GUY ASKS FOR YOUR NUMBER, CHECK HIS WALLPAPER WHEN HE GETS OUT HIS PHONE – If it’s a pic of him and a girl – it probs ain’t his sister. If he has a picture of Agyness Deyn because he likes her ‘edginess’ and [...]

2010-04-10 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 38

IF YOU ARE A DRIVER WOULD YOU INDICATE PLEASE – For fucks sake, are you tryna kill me? MAKE SURE ALL TRACES OF TOILET PAPER ARE REMOVED BEFORE SEXY TIME – That shit will stay with you. It is something that will DEFINITELY come up during [...]

2010-04-07 // 3 Comments

It’s all about the Benjamin

It’s actually quite laughable I am attempting to give any advice on money. I am to money what Gary Glitter is to kids…dangerous and extreme. Seriously. Up until about 2 years ago I used to see cash as just a minor obstacle to getting [...]

2010-03-31 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part 37

IF YOU DON’T HEART YOUR JOB, FIND A NEW ONE – Hey, the employment fairy ain’t gonna fly down, wave it’s wand and provide you with a dopealicious job that puts a smile on your face. Get out there and do the bloody legwork! [...]

2010-03-23 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 36

FASHION MAGAZINES ARE BOGUS– We are now in 2010. In the 90’s we were told to dump the leggings and shoulder pads because everyone was so repulsed by 1980’s style. Now the same rags are putting it on their front covers. All [...]

2010-03-19 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 10

FOR BOYS ONLY IF YOUR HAIR IS RECEDING, SHAVE THE BASTARD – Embrace nature and go with it. There is nothing worse than the stench of desperation from a man trying to hang on to his last 5 strands. It just means you have more testosterone [...]

2010-03-15 // 3 Comments

Single to Mingle

I’m 28 years old and give or take a few hit and misses, I have been single for 3 years. These are my views… SEX – I’m not only starting this post with this topic because I am the Owl – (we use caps for the Owl now [...]

2010-03-08 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 35

DRESS UP IN HIS FAVOURITE SPORTING TEAMS KIT – With nothing underneath and a will to please. There’s a good girl. QUIT SMOKING OR BETTER YET, DON’T EVEN START – I know it’s easier said than done. But it’s really [...]

2010-03-02 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 34

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE NATURALLY GOOD LOOKING TO BE HOT – It’s true! SO many times I’ve met dudes that haven’t grabbed my attention when I first looked at them, but then after a little chinwag and a few glasses of vino, I [...]

2010-02-26 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 33

GLADIATOR SANDALS ARE NOT MEANT FOR CLUBBING – For God’s sake woman. They are for the beach, Saturday shopping and brunch with the girls. Not for booty popping to some beats. Plus there is the hazard of people stepping on your toes and [...]

2010-02-21 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 32

SHAVE UNDER YOUR ARMS PLEASE – If I have to tell you why, then kindly stop reading this blog. I don’t know you. ALL GUYS THINK ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH YOU WHEN THEY FIRST MEET YOU– The thought crosses their mind for defs. First they [...]

2010-02-18 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 31

IF YOU HAVE YOUR EYE ON SOMETHING SPECTACULAR JUST GO AHEAD AND BUY THE DAMN THING – Because these talented designers end up doing silly things like topping themselves and then that precious item will be even further out of your reach. Lee [...]

2010-02-12 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 9

FOR BOYS ONLY ALWAYS BEING BROKE IS NOT SEXY – Constantly having to spot you change for cigarettes, buying round after round and giving you ‘lunch money’ gets really boring and makes us feel like your mum. No matter how large your [...]

2010-02-09 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 30

WHEN PURCHASING A NEW CAR, TRY TO STEER AWAY FROM THE COLOUR BLACK – It may look sexy to start with, but the bastard shows every conceivable bump, fingerprint and scratch. Ya need stamina for the ebony hue. IF YOU ARE EVER CHOSEN TO DANCE ON [...]

2010-02-07 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 29

TRY AND GIVE TO SOME SORT OF CHARITY – However small. But research your charities because there alot of sharks out there. You may think your $$$ are going to an Ethiopian orphan named Ben but it may be going to line the pockets of some fuck [...]

2010-02-03 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 28

DON’T SHAVE BETWEEN BIKINI WAXES– Unless you are into self harm that is. Ladies, you will climb the walls if they slap hot wax onto your pubic bristles and yank that shit out. Just be patient and wait for your appointment. If you are [...]

2010-01-30 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 27

TAKE OUT INSURANCE AND SAY YES TO EXTENDED WARRANTY – Yes yes, I KNOW you think it will all be fine and nothing will happen/break/get stolen/have red wine poured all over it, but trust me kittens, as they say…’shit happens’. [...]

2010-01-21 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 8

SORTING THE MEN FROM THE BOYS… BOY: Will read the ‘to do’ list. MAN: Knows what needs to be done. BOY: Whining that you don’t have a condom and claim that skin on skin is so much better. MAN: On realising that you don’t [...]

2010-01-14 // 7 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 26

IF YOU OPEN A PACKET OF TIM TAM’S, THE TEMPTATION TO EAT THE ENTIRE THING IS FAR TOO HIGH – Therefore, just don’t purchase the fuckers. DON’T PRETEND TO BE ILL OR DRUNK JUST TO GET ATTENTION FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND – It [...]

2010-01-13 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 25

TRY TO KEEP UP THOSE RESOLUTIONS – And don’t tell every bugger about them because if you fall off the wagon you have a thousand hypocrites pointing their finger. Just do your best…it’s all anyone can ever ask of you, even [...]

2010-01-04 // 7 Comments

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE DILDO

We’re on the brink of another new year. I realise that it’s a cliche, but I love new beginnings. Like starting diets on Mondays, or having a month off from shagging randoms etc…it definitely helps the process of attempting to be [...]

2009-12-28 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 24

NOTHING IS A BARGAIN IF YOU ARE BROKE – Even $2 is expensive if you don’thave it. Don’t be fooled by those alluring sales. THE ONLY WAY TO EAT A STEAK IS MEDIUM RARE – Why have it so bloody that it looks as though it has yet [...]

2009-12-18 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 23

WITH THE GOOD, MUST COME THE BAD – If you don’t have a few fuck wits running around and pulling you down and kicking you in the proverbial face, then you wouldn’t appreciate the bodacious peeps out there that make living worth [...]

2009-12-18 // 0 Comments

THE DEFINITION OF ‘BEIGE’

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin – Seriously now. Could you get more fucking boring? Then there is all that macro biotic shit and naming your kids after fruit and veg…so yes, I guess you could get more boring. Having specific nights to [...]

2009-12-17 // 21 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 7

FOR BOYS ONLY IF YOU LIKE A GIRL, THEN DON’T BE HOOKING UP WITH OTHER BROADS – She will find out and your chances will be ruined. RUINED. SAYING THINGS LIKE ‘SIT ON MY FACE’ OR ‘NICE TITS’ WILL NOT WORK OUT WELL [...]

2009-12-14 // 4 Comments

A FEW HOME TRUTHS

SOMETIMES, YOU MIGHT MEET YOUR GREATEST FRIENDS LATER ON IN LIFE – I have met the best friend I have ever had at the age of 28. He is male and he is only 21. Hollywood and the norm tells us that your greatest friends are usually your friends [...]

2009-12-10 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 22

GET YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP – Because without it, you are a moody, cranky bitch and you will get bags under your eyes. Louis Vuitton bags, but bags none the less. Just make sure that you get to bed before 10pm at least 3 times a week. You’ll [...]

2009-12-08 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 21

IF YOU ARE GONNA SHAG ONE OF YOUR MATES, BE PREPARED FOR THE CONSEQUENCES – You have had the mild flirtation for a while, you get on well and you find them incredibly attractive so one drunken night you act on your animal instinct. Things will [...]

2009-12-07 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 6

THE WORST THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GIRL WITH PMS … ‘WHAT’S UP? HAVE YOU GOT YOUR PERIOD OR SOMETHING?’ – It is also the worst thing you can say to a girl if she is just in a bad mood. Don’t make us want to kill you. [...]

2009-12-03 // 2 Comments

THOSE DAYS

SOMETIMES WE QUESTION OUR EXISTENCE – Would anyone notice if we weren’t around? Would we have to worry about work, whether our family is happy or not, whether we get on our friends nerves or not, are we thin enough, are we doing anything [...]

2009-12-02 // 7 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 20

DON’T EAT THAT WHOLE BLOCK OF CHOCOLATE Just don’t do it. You will hate yourself afterwards. You know you will. Minute on the lips, lifetime on the hips. DON’T BE MEAN TO BOYS AND THEN GET UPSET WHEN THEY RETALIATE Guys get a bad [...]

2009-11-30 // 7 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 6

FOR BOYS ONLY WE KNOW YOU HAVE TO SPIT BUT COULD YOU AVOID DOING THOSE BACK OF THE THROAT ONES IN FRONT OF US? We aren’t sure WHY you need to spit, but those back of the throat, sinus clearing winners are the most disgusting things ever and [...]

2009-11-28 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 19

  JUST TO TOUCH ON AN EARLIER POST…   The following should also be avoided being used as lube: olive oil, Vaseline, lube that is made to ‘tingle’ (some sadistic bastard made this), hand cream or any other kind of [...]

2009-11-28 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 18

DON’T WEIGH YOURSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY I swear to God this will make you want to kill yourself. Your weight fluctuates and sometimes you are holding more water than usual or you’re body is holding onto some stored fat and is about to get [...]

2009-11-27 // 2 Comments

THE ONE NIGHT STAND

  KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING YOURSELF IN FOR Do you think you might like the guy? Are you able to do this and not feel the need to compulsively message and facebook stalk him afterwards? Are you sure you are doing it because you are really horny [...]

2009-11-24 // 8 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 17

FACEBOOK UPDATES TELLING THE WORLD ABOUT YOUR BREAK UP/CALLING PEOPLE NAMES/ONLINE BRAWLS – ARE BEYOND TACKY Don’t get me wrong, it is super entertaining for the reader, but it makes you look a little pathetic. Facebook is an easy online [...]

2009-11-22 // 3 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 5

FOR BOYS ONLY CHILL OUT ON THE HOMOPHOBIA It ain’t sexy honey. What do you think these gay guys are going to do to you exactly? Hold you down and take your bum hole virginity whilst singing a Cher number into your ear all whilst wearing pink [...]

2009-11-19 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 16

  AVOID V.P.L   Visible. Panty. Line. If you can’t handle a g-string then go without knickers rather than having this unsightly ridge around your bottom. The V.P.L does the same to an otherwise fabulous outfit what guys doing baby [...]

2009-11-17 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 15

COCKTAIL GOGGLES ARE REAL   When we are drunk, guys suddenly seem a lot more like Brad Pitt than ‘the pits’. It’s a bit of a double edged sword really, because without the drunken, embarrassing hook ups, we don’t have [...]

2009-11-16 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 14

IF SOMEONE IS UNABLE TO MAKE OUT YOUR CHARACTER, THEY WILL LOOK AT YOUR FRIENDS Just like your clothes, your apartment, your hairstyle etc your friends are an extension of you. It is a very accurate ruler to measure what someone is like by the kind [...]

2009-11-10 // 5 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 13

LAUGHING AT BIG ISSUE SELLERS IS JUST NOT COOL   In any shape or form. OK, SOMETIMES they say ‘Big Issue’ a bit funny, and yes it can be amusing but I actually saw two little teenage dregs of human pointing and laughing at an old [...]

2009-11-08 // 3 Comments

THE ART OF BEING DECADENT

  SOMETIMES IT IS PERFECTLY FINE TO DRINK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WINE ON YOUR OWN It’s when it turns into a case of wine every single week that it becomes a problem. There is something quite wonderful about indulging in an entire bottle of [...]

2009-11-06 // 11 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 4

FOR BOYS ONLY THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO TELL US HOW HOT YOU THINK OUR FRIENDS ARE Unless you want to suck your own dick later that is.   CLEANSE AND MOISTURISE YOUR FACE It. is. not. gay. You need to do it. Do you think that baby bottom skin [...]

2009-11-05 // 9 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 12

DURING THE SUMMER MONTHS YOU MIGHT NEED TO MAKE USE OF YOUR SHOWER MORE THAN ONCE A DAY Yes people, I’m talking morning and night you dirty buggers. Make use of natures natural cleanser and clean your crevices. I’m not only advising you [...]

2009-11-04 // 7 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part onze

YOU DESERVE TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NICE TO YOU ALL THE TIME  Sometimes when someone is super nice for like 10 seconds we tend to hang on to that short moment of bliss…but stand back honey and look at the bigger picture. You don’t [...]

2009-11-03 // 6 Comments

REASONS WHY LONDON IS FUCKING RAD

OK, So a little about my background. I was born in Cape Town to an English mother and a Portuguese father. I lived there until I was 18 before fleeing to England like everyone did in 1999. Many said I would be home by Christmas…I was gone for [...]

2009-11-02 // 7 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 3

FOR BOYS ONLY WE ACTUALLY NOTICE WHEN YOU ARE RE ARRANGING YOUR BALLS Could you stop doing that in public please? How would you like it if we went around sticking our hands down our trousers in front of you? Actually never mind, you would love that. [...]

2009-10-31 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part dix

BE CAREFUL OF HOW YOU ARE PORTRAYED ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB So let’s get this straight. Your by line on your Myspace page says, ‘HI-LIFE,RIDE-LIFE,RICH-LIFE,BITCH-LIFE [[fuck the pretenders, EARN RESPECT]]’ next to a photo of you [...]

2009-10-27 // 6 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part neuf

DO NOT PLUCK YOUR EYEBROWS, CUT YOUR TOE NAILS OR BUY TAMPONS IN FRONT OF HIM Are you actually trying to ruin your life? What the flaming frank are you trying to do here? In boy land we are all mystical creatures, and they really do hope that we [...]

2009-10-25 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 2

FOR BOYS ONLY DON’T BREAK UP WITH A GIRL VIA TEXT MESSAGE/TWITTER/FACEBOOK OR GETTING A FRIEND TO TELL HER Listen, I know you’d rather dangle your balls in a tank filled with flesh eating piranhas than break a girls heart to her face [...]

2009-10-22 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part huit

MAKE YOUR APARTMENT A NICE PLACE TO LIVE I seriously believe the place in which you dwell is one of the many reflections of you. So you have dishes gathering mould, a smelly bathroom, ugly furniture and dust on every conceivable surface…is [...]

2009-10-19 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part sept

  ANY GARMENT MADE OUT OF POLYESTER STRETCH SATIN SCREAMS TACKY Come now girls. Unless you are a stripper named Cookie, Candy or any other kind of confectionery this is not a good idea. Nothing good can come of it. Very rarely are there items [...]

2009-10-15 // 4 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part six

YOU LOOK SPECIAL NEEDS WHEN YOU TYPE LIKE A PUBESCENT Serisly, ittt looks slightly retarded when you’s type lik thiiisss. If yOu R )vEr the @ge of 16 & u typppe like yooou R uSiNg yourrr elbowssss *** then you arrre basicallly sayyying you [...]

2009-10-09 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part cing

BUY JEANS THAT FIT YOU I swear to God, denim can be to your ass like Wonderbra’s are to your tits. The trick is to find the right fit. If you have a wobbly belly then indulge in some high waisted sexy pants, if you have shapely pins then rock [...]

2009-10-06 // 2 Comments

GREAT SONGS FOR A DANCE OFF

So I have this great friend named Asha Davies. We mainly bonded over a love for Indian culture, hairy boys and red wine but the thing we both loved to do is dance like no one is watching. Actually, we’re both exhibitionists so we are probably [...]

2009-10-04 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part quatre

GET A BRAZILIAN. Sure it hurts more than a Chinese burn and can be somewhat pricey, but once you’ve had it, there is no going back. And really, hair is SO five years ago.   PICK SOMEONE. DON’T GET PICKED. I stand by this. You [...]

2009-10-01 // 1 Comment

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part trois

IF HE TALKS ABOUT HIS FAMILY DISRESPECTFULLY DUMP HIM. Seems harsh I know. But they are his blood and that’s how he speaks about them, imagine how he will speak about you? Not cool.   IF YOU GO TO SEE A BAND, MAKE THE EFFORT AND DANCE. [...]

2009-09-16 // 0 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part deux

IF HE IS NOT ANSWERING YOUR CALLS NOR REPLYING TO YOUR TEXT MESSAGES ITS BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO. Yes, this is a hard fact to face. Rejection is like a big icy wind slapping you in the face, it sucks giant balls and makes you feel [...]

2009-09-11 // 2 Comments

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part un

OK, so I’ve been around for 28 years now and I’ve gained alot of baggage (both physically and emotionally) and with it, comes experience…so listen up my lovely’s… MASTURBATE. I’m not joking. Take $40 of your hard [...]

2009-09-03 // 6 Comments