- Now listen up! When you like something like say um, cheese. That does not mean that you need to suck the fucking life out of it. You don't have to go out and buy cheese clothes and only listen to cheese music and cop a cheese iPhone cover and only ever listen to cheese and hang out with others who are equally as obsessed. You are going to get cheese fatigue and exhaust the very notion of it and before you know it, you will no longer be excited when you see a smattering of it on your pasta or alternatively, you will end up living in a cheese house and no one will ever visit you except for mice. Of course I am using cheese as a stand in for many other things I could have said and on that note...
- Nobody needs 457 pairs of sneakers.
- Remember to laugh at yourself because you are pretty hilarious.
- 'Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better' - as someone once said.
- Be careful going around calling people a racist. A racist almost always has malicious intent. Usually, people are not racist. They are prejudice. And this prejudice is usually derived from somewhere, usually ignorance but also sometimes anger. That knee jerk reaction will just kick you in the face.
- Who likes drugs?! Go easy on them, OK? It is the element of danger that makes them so much fun but be aware that, that element is there.
- If you use your phone while you are in the bath or eat soup while you are on your computer you are basically begging the world to fuck with you.
- Quit harping on about 'being humble' and 'feeling inspired' and actually act like you have some fucking humility and show that you've been inspired! Actions speak louder than words! Do you kids just ignore all the cliches these days? Is that where we're at?
- He isn't calling, texting, facebook messaging, emailing, liking your instagram photos, liking your facebook photos, retweeting you, @'ing you or acknowledging your 'online presence' because he DOES NOT WANT TO. Move on please. Just.move.the.fuck.on.
- How about you have a real life conversation with a friend and you both keep your phones in your bag for one whole hour?
I went on a date with a younger man and I wrote about it for Acclaim Magazine. Read all about it.
- 'I don't know if I ever want to get married' - this is a defence mechanism girls use in case they don't and then they come across like it was their decision. It's fine to want to get married, it's not about religion or institution etc etc, it is about love. Yes, love. If it was about anything else but love then the gays don't have a case. And if it is about legal matters such as financially protecting yourself then we wouldn't be so picky, would we? Wanting to get married should be like wanting a Chanel handbag....you might never get it but that doesn't mean you should stop trying.
- 'I'll just eat this mac and cheese and then I will start my diet in the morning' - Guess what fatty? Tomorrow never comes. The time is now!
- 'I'm just with him for the sex, I don't want him to be my boyfriend or anything' - You're right, you don't want him to be your boyfriend, but you are happy for him to act like one so you feel comforted while you look for someone who is boyfriend worthy. This is why dudes think we are bitches by the way. We know right from the start that he is not right, but we string him along anyway because it feels nice to have someone who sends you messages and who will fuck you therefore leaving you feel desired and wanted. Look, it's understandable but it is toxic (for you and for him). Hey your self worth called, she is looking for you!
- 'People need to accept me for me' - Great attitude! Now, if you were less of an asshole then you would feel a lot more accepted. Generally people love different people! Why? Because they are interesting. But if you have zero self awareness, talk about yourself constantly and have more photos that you have taken yourself in your bathroom mirror than you've had hot dinners then chances are you don't really need many friends to tell you how wonderful you are because you are doing a good job of that on your own. Or are you like that because you are trying to convince yourself how wonderful you are? Irony is a beautiful 'ting.
- 'I am not like most girls' - Yes you are.
- 'I'm not going to stoop to her level' - You just did.
- 'What's wrong? Nothing.' - Another reason why guys think we are head cases...passive aggression.
- 'You're not fat!' - We call ourselves fat out loud all the time and we say 'I have eaten so much junk today' out loud all time and here's the thing: If your friend is obviously not fat...like she weighs less than 75kg and generally eats well then she is saying these things because she is looking for attention and validation. When a chubbier girl, who is blatantly unhappy with the way she looks is saying these things, she is crying out for help. The worst thing you can say to her is that she is not fat and then take her out to dinner to the latest American diner food place to 'cheer her up'. Flip the question the next time she asks if she is fat, ask her 'Do you think you are fat? Are you happy? If not, what are you going to do about it? It's not even about being thin or fat, it is about being happy and comfortable. Some people are chubby and cool with it and that is just fine, while others have emotional relationships with food. If we had a friend who had a drinking or a drug problem, then we would say something. But why not food? Why is this such a sensitive issue? Because if you say something you come across as rude? Well, quite frankly, it's rude not to.
- Don't instagram the sunset, enjoy it.
- Familiarity breeds contempt and its upsetting.
- Go to the dentist. Don't put it off because its better in the long run for both your smile and your bank account.
- People who are the most irritating are usually the ones who just want to be loved.
- When in a restaurant, put your phone away. It's never OK to have it on the table. Asshole.
- Girls: Never say 'I love you' first.
- Dude, have you ever tried roast cauliflower with pinenuts and crumbled feta over the top? Oh oh and spinach? You're missing out.
- Girls with small boobs: Stop trying to make yourself feel better about it by calling girls with large boobs a slut.
- Girls with large boobs: Stop acting like sluts.
- Stop calling other girls sluts. We get it enough from the men.
- Try a little tenderness.
COPY CAT'S ARE MORE TRANSPARENT THAN THEY SEEM.
We were all blessed with an imagination...an ability to conjure up something great, something wonderful, something unique and relevant to our own personalities. I know that it can sometimes require a lot of energy delivering these things on our own but just biting other people's idea's and and vibes is just plain wack. Yeah, ok if you're into street culture you probably all like sneakers, and if you're an indie kid you probably have a pair of black skinny jeans or two but FUCK think outside the box and find your own personality and aesthetic. It's in there somewhere...I promise.
At the end of every day, write down something good that happened that day. Whether you had a particularly good sandwich, or if you rubbed one out at lunch in the toilets or if you got a promotion. Write it down somewhere. Reflect. Life is good even though the thought of killing yourself sometimes crosses your mind.
IF HE IGNORES THE FIRST MESSAGE HE MAY HAVE JUST MISSED IT...
but if he ignores the second one it means he is rude and spineless. If you send a third message then you should go kill yourself. I mean you may as well, you'll feel that worthless anyway. PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND MOVE ON.
YOU MIGHT WANNA GRAB THE DUDE'S NAME BEFORE YOU START SENDING HIM PICTURES OF YOUR PUSSY.
Just a thought.
GRILLED FISH AND SALAD. STEAK AND SALAD. RIBS AND SALAD. BAKED CHICKEN AND SALAD.
Great for the taste buds and even better for the hips. Plus did you know that avocado helps abdominal weight loss? Yeah I know it's bullshit because we just end up finishing it off with cheesecake and a bottle of wine. When do you think we'll learn that putting certain things in our mouths make us unhappy? Including dick.
Straight up, Imma get straight to it...anal sex.
Nothing new as we have touched on this subject many times, but it seems to be cropping up in conversation a lot lately. Gentleman of modern times have somehow come to the conclusion that this act is on the menu right under handjobs. Now which of you are allowing them to think this to be true is what I want to know? Sure it is less 'taboo' than it once was but seriously hey, this little treat should only be wheeled out for the worthy and as a treat. If we just start giving them the ass willy nilly then homeboys are gonna become jaded and start expecting you to get it on with their alsatian in say 5 to 8 years...let's not spoil them is what I'm trying to say. I mean, they're already making their 'demands' on their preference of bush vs no bush and I fear we are nurturing a bunch of brats.
Hair done, nails done, everything did.
Do not under estimate what a little grooming can do for your self esteem and your mood. Go see your beautician/hairdresser - sorry, 'hair artist' - instead of buying new clothes. It's MUCH more of an investment beleee meee.
It's summer, your face is probably shiny...
Get some powder on that shit OR you can get those little face blotting thingo's
If you are creative, be so with abandon.
Some people will hate it, some people will judge it, some may even be offended. You cannot allow the world we live in to dictate the way you create because then it is not honest or sincere. The minute you start caring what people are going to think or feel in any way constricted or limited...it's over.
He isn't replying/responding/reacting because he doesn't want to.
You can't push these things. You're also probably feeling anxious about it so you're trying to salvage something which is just making you come across as desperate/annoying/crazy. Leave be. You'll speak again one day, and it will be all good and if you don't...well it will probably be because you forgot all about him. Just stop poking the wasp nest though...k babe?
*This advice is not strictly for girls.
GET OUT THE HOUSE.
Staying in and refreshing your facebook page (I see you) ain't gonna make you feel motivated, less likely to procrastinate or make you a better person. Instead cabin fever will make you feel isolated, cause you to over think and honey, you can only masturbate so much until you become a wanker.
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ISN'T TALKING TO YOU, DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU.
They just need space and time out. A little holiday if you will. You know how like when you get sick of hearing a song? Then you don't hear it for ages and suddenly it comes on the radio and you're like, 'I fucking love that song!' Yeah that feeling.
START CHRISTMAS SHOPPING NOW.
I mean it. Because your $$$ are about to be hit hard. Besides the whole present thing, there are all the parties that are about to start cropping up. Plus when you leave shit till late you end up buying dumb stuff out of panic and because you were clueless. I know I know, Christmas has lost its meaning blah blah blah but hey, it still means you have to give a little something to the ones you love. Keep it small and meaningful. Are any of you buying me anything? You should considering how much love I pour into these posts! Well, sometimes more than others BUT STILL...
DO NOT SEND NUDES.
Just don't. Yeah there is the whole 'make sure your heads not in' or making sure your tattoo's aren't showing...whatever. Just don't do it. Even if you are sending them to someone you completely trust, remember that you are only trusting them AT THAT PRESENT TIME and more than likely you probably won't down the track. Please trust Aunty Owl on this one and keep your clothes on. *Covering your areola with owl stickers doesn't count fyi
IF IT'S NOT WORKING...
It's because the other person doesn't feel the same way that you do. End of story.
IT'S SUMMER IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE!
Swimsuit season girls! Carrots are the new chocolate bars...get chomping.
Don't let the bad guys affect your relationships with the good guys.
Don't let the approval or disapproval of others affect your mental stability.
Don't let technology replace books and the written word.
Don't let anyone walk away with your atm card and your pin number.
Don't let him cum in your mouth if you just met him.
Don't let him cum in anything but a condom.
Don't let tumblr distort your view of the world and creativity.
Don't let anyone tell you that you are part of a 'scene'. Go everywhere. Be apart of everything. Adapt.
Don't let anyone tell you 'you can't wear that'
Don't let bad experiences taint the good ones.
Don't let paranoia make your mind up for you. Sit it out, wait a while, it will pass...and then make your move.
Don't let anything or anyone 'offend' you. To be 'offended' is to be weak and petty...build a bridge babe.
Don't let material things and brands define you. STUFF is easy come and easy go...you are not.
Don't let him put it anywhere without asking.
Don't let your skin get sunburnt.
Don't let procrastination infect you. (says me...I'm supposed to be writing a book)
Don't let delusion ruin your life.
Don't let people piss on your parade.
Don't let anyone near your pussy with dirty fingernails.
Don't let sleeping in 'ruin your day'. You obviously needed it.
NOBODY HAS SET THE SAME STANDARDS FOR YOU THAT YOU HAVE SET FOR YOURSELF IN YOUR HEAD.
Seriously hey...the reasons why you think people like you or are your friend are usually the total opposite of the truth. If someone is trying to be your friend, let them. Who even cares if they have ulterior motives?! It's not like you're a squillionaire or something....or are you? Do you want to be my friend? I want a pony.
FIRST COMES RESPECT THEN COMES INTEGRITY THEN COMES MONEY THEN COMES LOVE.
Love is as frivilous as this blog you read. Don't base anything on love and don't ever count on it. Love is a selfish emotion and makes people do crazy things. Just respect people and let them follow their paths and you follow yours.
But only in the privacy of your own shower/bath tub and let it all out baby.
IF YOU THINK HE/SHE IS NOT INTO IT/YOU - THEY PROBABLY AREN'T.
And you can't make them. Yeah it sucks but fuck, its the least of your worries. Trust me.
STOP LOOKING FOR COMPLIMENTS!
You are making people resent giving them to you which makes you try harder which makes them hold back faster and so you end up in the vicious cycle and feeling sorry for yourself. Eurgh, the 'victim' look is so not sexy ESPECIALLY on men. Cringe O Rama.
SEX DOES NOT = LOVE.
It never did. Anyone who told you it did probably believes in fairies and their favourite movie is a Disney one even though they are in their thirties. I'm not even being cynical or jaded here, I speak the truth! IF you are gonna get nude and hop in the sack with someone you think you have feelings for, please turn your attention to an older post about 'expectations'.
YES IT'S FATTENING.
Don't eat it fatty.