BREAD.

Look what happens to bread when you put it in water...it swells.   Look what happens when you mix flour and water together...you can wallpaper walls with it.  AND THEN WE PUT THIS GLUTINOUS GUMBO IN OUR GUT. I gave up carbs back in September and I lost weight for sure...I also was a dumb ass and pretty much lived off eggs and shaved ham so I nearly fainted 392832 times and my mood was um, a little otherwise. I did put weight back on when I got stuck in the pizza and Turkish bread again obviously but that aside, I felt bloated and my skin was fucked and I'm pretty sure I got um, thrush. YES OK THANK YOU WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.  Anyway, this isn't about me, this is about you.  Easy on the wheat, we actually don't need it.  Carbs are OK I've realized, like brown rice and fruit (fruit is a carb!) but it's the wheat and the gluten that is the fucker.  Go easy or get itchy.

 

SUGAR.

Oh our dear friend the sweet tooth how we love thee.  Sugar = crack.  How many of you are craving crack right now?  I hope none.  The reason why you don't crave it is because you aren't having it on the reg.  Sugar works in the same way.  When you come off it you will have withdrawal and you will probably feel like you could stab your granny in the back for a cupcake but it will pass!  Then one day you will wake up and not even need any in your tea.  Hey I'm not saying cut out all the fun I'm just saying less is more when it comes to hard drugs and the sweet crystal like granules you find in most pastries.

 

AVOCADO, PEANUT BUTTER AND NUTS.

Cut out fat by all means. But these babies are what we call unsaturated fat and we need a certain amount of it to keep our hair silky, our nails bulky and our skin err...milky?  We need a bit of oil in our engine to keep shit smooth you dig?

 

BOOZE GLORIOUS BOOZE.

Doctor to me around 2 months ago, 'Your liver has trouble digesting alcohol and fatty foods' YEAH NO SHIT. Lets be honest everyone, we have the time of our lives (and lets not forget how extra hilarious we are) when we are drunk.  Except the next day when cunts call us 'self inflicted' we feel like the devil himself is doing 'Dancing with the Stars' with Hitler in our skulls.  I would say avoid beer because of the yeast and cider because of the sugar and say 'only drink vodka with diet coke' but come on.  Let's get real.  Once we're wasted we'd probably drink urine if we knew it had an alcohol content.   Just be mindful because honey lemme tell you, this surely is a minute on the lips and a lifetime on the hips.

 

CHIPS.

Take the 'c' off 'chips' and what have you got?  Exactly.

 

DAIRY.

Cheese is fattening.  Fuck it's annoying. I don' t know what else to say about it but it is.  And also, have you checked the calorie difference between full cream milk and semi skimmed or skimmed or even that soy crap? Holy shit it's immense!  Yoghurt is good though, and so are those little good bacteria Yakult things, especially if you're woman and you need some PH balancing in your you know where area.  Dairy is cool, but there is no other food group where the full fat and the non fat differ so greatly.

 

I'M NOT A NUTRITIONIST.

Please don't email me like you always do after a post arguing with what I say, I am not claiming to be profesh, I am just going with what I have experienced.  See the other night, I was at a friends place boozing it up as you do and then another girl came over and both girls weigh...hmmm about 55 to 60kg?  Absolute babes!  Nice boobs, small waists, wouldn't look daft in a bikini etc and you know, we had the crackers and dips out, there may have been some chocolate and what not and some gin.  I was a little hammered, but I sobered up fairly quickly when the two of them started discussing their (wait for it) LIPO CONSULTATIONS FROM THE PREVIOUS WEEK.  Really?  We're going down this road like it ain't no thing now?  Drastic measures to feel better about ourselves when all it requires are tiny adjustments here and there and an attitude/lifestyle makeover?

We - and when I say we I mean females - focus so much on our appearance.  Dude I know it's hard when you have those photoshopped to death images being reblogged on tumblr 78 squillion times and then dudes and therefore all of us start to acquire unrealistic expectations of what a female should look like so we resort to going under the knife and have fat hosed out of us just so we can enjoy gin and truffles?  It's bullshit.  Eat healthy because you want to feel better, sure.  Don't eat healthy so you can fit into your $60 dress from ASOS to wear to the next music festival.

I got Hungry Jacks on the way home and I enjoyed every minute of it.