- If you discover that someone has defriended you on facebook (yes, defriended) distract yourself from adding them as a friend again by looking for your dignity in the toilet.
- If you are ordering pasta then you don't need the garlic bread.
- If your pet has a facebook/twitter account then you are giving the impression that you are either unemployed, not getting laid or mentally unstable (yes people do this). I realise that none of these things may be the case but we are talking about how you are perceived here and the internet is all about perception. Delete that shit.
- If you style your hair whilst naked using hot styling tools then you are basically begging life to fuck with you.
- Oven roasted but unsalted almonds are delicious and will do wonders for your complexion. I used to hate almonds too! Try them again and see if you have changed your mind.
- A real man will go down on you
- If you are feeling uninspired you probably need to leave your cave for a bit. Most normal people don't have the money to just drop everything and go on a trip willy nilly, let alone the time you need off work. Therefore, I suggest you explore the city you live in. Do the things you have always 'been meaning to do'.
- If you are finding your ex in the word sex then quit it immediately unless you love drama and head fuckery.
- Wearing make-up will definitely make your life better. It sure as hell won't make it worse!
- Your Converse should always be slightly fucked up. They are meant to look like that! These are the shoes that carry you through life! Walk through puddles! Wear them to gigs and festivals! Paint the house in them! Let them tell your story! Clean chucks are for chumps.
As you can see I was really hating it. Three days, four girls and some sunshine in the middle of August. It wasn't exactly scorching but it was sunny enough to cop a speckle of a tan. The gold Coast is as tacky as pink neon flamingoes which is probably why I loved it.
Very similar to the Melbourne view in August from a sun bed...not. I bloody love palm trees. Not even that sure why, its not like they actually provide any shade and they're not ideal for climbing (I'm a tree climber) but it's what they represent!
The view of the pool from our hotel balcony. I really enjoyed all the pastel colours of the place. I felt the only thing lacking from this picture were two old ladies in boiler suits playing bridge wearing visors.
Like this hotel opposite ours! All peaches and cream and 1950's fabulousness.
Speaking of fabulous, we hit the hotel Palazzo Versace for some high tea and vulgarity. The logo is on errrr thang...
Look at that foyer! So decadent and indulgent yet still very rough around the edges...which is how I would describe the Gold Coast in general. The Versace hotel is probably not where you would stay if you actually had any taste, you would probably stay there to say that you did or if you were one of those third generation Italians who wear Lonsdale and only have an Italian accent when you order Cafe Lattes.
This was the fabric of the sofas we were perched on. I didn't hate it in fact, I the opposite of hated it. although it is dying for some black and white abstract print cushions to bring it into 2012.
The high tea was a lot of fun and pretty delicious. It's not often you get to wash down itty bitty salmon sandwiches with a glass of sparkling now is it?
Or eat blue macaroons! Seriously, what is the fuss over these fucking things? It's like a My Little Pony farted in my mouth.
I just loved the colours! I felt like I was living in a different time! It was like the movie 'Caccoon' you know that movie? The one when the old people go live with the aliens? No? Check it out yo! I'm making the Gold Coast sound all romantic and nostalgic but believe me, it turns into an abortion of a place at night. Look at the dress code for the fine establishment we visited on the Saturday night...
When a venue has a dress code it is the number one indicator that it is full of winners but when it has a dress code to this extent well...there are no words. I'm not even hating, I knew what I was getting myself in for. I thought I could be ironic! But now that I am 31 it appears I have said goodbye to some of my irony and my socially retarded people tolerance.
That is someones daughter.
A car outside our hotel. Man I'm a sucker for powder blue. It is one of my favourite colours of all time. I've always wanted a powder blue vintage car with cream interior since i lived next door to a guy that had one in London. I would need an entire new wardrobe to match but it would be so worth it.
Me and the ladiezzz. We wined, we dined, we dutty wined and we got drunk. What a bunch of Bettys.
The 10th floor of the QT Hotel. I had to nab this shot, its like something out of The Shining. I know its not an original love but I love hotels. It's like you're not in the real world! What happens there, stays there. Someone turns your room every morning, there is room service, you can throw televisions out of the window or if you're like me and you're too scared to do that, then you can just steal the pen. Although the room service at this joint was disappointing to say the least! I've never eaten a Caesar Salad with my hands before!
Where the QT Hotel lacked in cutlery they made up for in pineapples.
I was obviously in my element.
Me being a tourist. Cute no? I swear to God the sign says 'Surfers Paradise' but I kinda like that Alex couldn't fit it all in, at least it has an element of cool about it. Nah fuck it, its lame.
Time to check out and return to Melbourne! Man, you know you live in a good city when you're happy to return after a holiday.
And I'm back with another addition for the fridge. I've been collecting fridge magnets since I started travelling back in 1999. Kitch and nostalgic....that is I. Queensland is the 4th place I have visited in this great country, where to next? Drop your suggestions in the box below!
Hey kids! Haven't done one of these in a minute. Probably because I now have instagram so I feel like I'm kind of doing this all the time anyway. Strange thing is though, is that other than the Take My Advice posts, the OWL experience gets a shit load of hits which just shows that humans are a nosy bunch. So here I am giving the people what they want!
A NEW POWER ANIMAL IS ON THE HORIZON.
I'm not gonna be one of those irritating bitches that say, 'I liked Owls for aaaages way before anyone else did' blah blah blah. Truth is I actually don't even dig Owls that much. Most are tacky on a necklace etc. Thing is, when I was little I really hated my big ass round eyes. I yearned for the almond shaped blue peepers of the prettiest girl in my class. So my Nan used to tell me I looked like a little Owl and that I was beautiful. (aawww) so yeah, that's the Owl story. Plus 'ol blue eyes now has 3 kids, been divorced twice and she ate all the pies. But I digress....Owls are on their way out. As are other woodland creatures. I think the hipsters are about to get on the dinosaur bandwagon OR it's all about the African steeze like lions and zebra's and stuff. But remember, you can't claim shit. Animals are there for the taking because they are on this earth for EVERYONE. So don't be all like, 'I used to collect hippo's in the form of jewellery and prints etc and now EVERYONE is doing' say that to the fucking African jungle dipshit. We are all entitled to commercialise and make useless crap inspired by our 4 legged friends. I just wish someone would decide to start making a less glamorous animal cool. Like a pig or an antelope or maybe even a taking the native fauna of Australia away from the bogans and turning the kangaroo into something hipster worthy? I dunno hey, I just think we should think out of the box on this one.
AH OH...I THINK THE VANS OBSESSION IS DWINDLING.
I am about as surprised that I am starting to see more and more Chucks around the traps as I am that JLo just got divorced. Authentics are dope, don't get me wrong but FUCK these iconic foot coverings have been gang raped to within an inch of their lives. Thanks a lot Dog Town! So those who feel as though their parade has well and truly been pissed on by the masses are now turning to Converse. Give it time before you discover your old faithful Chucks are 20 bucks more expensive and your 17 year old sibling is asking Santa for a pair next Christmas.
'TACKY' IS NOW 'TRENDY'.
Everyone is gradually trying to out do one another in the tack game. If I had a dollar for everyone that has typed '90's trends' into Google hey. There is a whole lot of 'Remember this?!' going on. No you don't fucking remember because you were like 3 or something. I know this sounds a bit bitchy. God, my mum must think the same thing when I became obsessed with Madonna's Immaculate Collection. And I suppose young 'uns becoming obsessed with an era they didn't have much to do with keeps it alive and what not. I get it. Ignore me, I'm just turning 30 in a few weeks and I'm feeling sensitive.
BACK TO BASICS.
You know like when you've had loads of really rich food? Like after Chrissy when you have pigged out on a bunch of selection boxes, trifle, every kind of roasted animal you can imagine and your weight in booze? You know how after all this you just want a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea? Or the more ambitious join a gym in January and stock their fridge with mineral water and carrots? THAT my Owlies, is because over indulging inevitably leads to simplicity. I predict that after all this fuss with Minaj inspired multi coloured hair, narcissistic and self indulgent tumblrs and over kill on information via the interwebs is only going to breed the desire to strip things right back and get back to basics. Over use always leads to under use. Belee dat.
Ye old art form of tattoo's will become less enviable than having none at all. There are legit kids under the age of 20 walking around looking not too dis similar to their colouring books from only 5 years ago. What. The. Fuck. You will hate them one day. I swear you will. I'm not even hating! I am all about accepting other folks style and choices and not judging one's style choices because it would be boring if we all looked the same etc etc but fuck kids, chill out on the colour needle yeah? Some things are sure in life: taxes, death, heart break and you growing up and being a very different person when you are 28 from when you were 18. Anyway, my point is, is that we all strive to be different hence going under the needle in the first place. But I really think that NOT having is on the verge of becoming way 'out there' than having any at all. Ya kna?
CHICKS IN KICKS.
Yeah yeah, it's nothing new. Just remember, as a friend of mine once said: Owning 100 pairs of air max does not make you a 'sneakerhead'. It makes you a consumer.
I'm putting the kettle on, who wants in?
JUST TO TOUCH ON AN EARLIER POST...
The following should also be avoided being used as lube: olive oil, Vaseline, lube that is made to 'tingle' (some sadistic bastard made this), hand cream or any other kind of moisturiser, baby oil, flavoured lube (seriously, what are they playing at here?) - stick to KY - or any other brand that has no bells and whistles. Or anything you would use to make dinner afterwards.
DO NOT JUST ACCEPT THAT YOUR GUMS BLEED EVERY TIME YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH
Can you say 'gingivitis'? Well try, because that's what you have. Buy a mouth wash that specifically targets gum disease, same with toothpaste. Floss those fuckers too...yes it's a pain in the ass, but bleeding gums are not chic. And don't give me the 'mouthwash can cause mouth cancer' bullshit. Just stop your gums from bleeding OK?
USE YOUPORN.COM SPARINGLY
I'm all for porn in fact, I love the stuff. Thing is though, it can make you a little jaded and you may lose touch on reality. For example; after watching it for hours the 'amateur gang bang' may become like watching a Disney movie, so you may find yourself typing in 'drunk girl abused on train' into the search engine to get your fix. I'm just saying it's a possibility.
EVERYONE SHOULD OWN A PAIR OF HIGH TOP CONVERSE
And they should be black. I don't mean leave out the other colours, I'm just saying you should have a black pair. It's a classic and is in the same family as blue jeans, RayBan's and white tshirts.
'PLAYBOY', DRAGONS, 'SKIN' AND OTHER SUCH TACKY STICKERS BELONG ON TEENAGERS PENCIL CASES
Not on your car. The odd bumper sticker is alright I suppose. And if you are one of the lucky ones to have an Obnoxious Owl sticker...well...that goes without saying.
peace out x
COCKTAIL GOGGLES ARE REAL
When we are drunk, guys suddenly seem a lot more like Brad Pitt than 'the pits'. It's a bit of a double edged sword really, because without the drunken, embarrassing hook ups, we don't have those hilarious 'remember when I ...' sessions with the girls later. With every hot guy, one ugly duckling must come. Don't feel too bad about those cringe worthy snog fests on those messy night outs, but at the same time, try not to make it a habit. There are messy nights out, then there are MESSY NIGHTS OUT. If you know what I mean. Oh and if someone less attractive than you turns you down...you might need to re assess yourself.
MEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES
No, I don't mean great to look at, well...that too, but I mean they are visually stimulated. So don't hold back. If you want to indulge in some sexy time with a male or turn up the heat, there are a few tricks you can do ... I don't actually think I am about to tell you anything you don't already know really. But here we go anyway: 1) Let your lips glide over the neck of your bottle of beer - his mind will be awash with blow jobs and beer...it's boy heaven. Please ladies SUBTLETY is the key word here, you don't wanna be indulging the bottle in deep throat, just a gentle innuendo will suffice. 2) Let him in the change rooms when you are trying on clothes...especially lingerie. Put it on slowly and gently let your hands run over your curves and lady bumps all while acting unaware that he is watching you. 3) When you are putting make up in front of him, lean over your dressing table and stick your bum in the air whilst arching your back...he will oblige you.
ORDER THAT SKINNY CAPPUCCINO
If we're being honest, there is not much of a difference in taste between skim and full fat milk, but the calorie difference is immense. LITTLE PICKERS WEAR BIGGER KNICKERS!
THE LITTLE BLACK DRESS REALLY IS A WARDROBE STAPLE
Yeah yeah, nothing new. But seriously, it is so true. Find a basic, short, black, well fitted dress and the possibilities are endless! I'd go with more of a floaty whimsical number than a stiff, tight one. You can throw a denim jacket over it with Converse high tops for a urban street kinda look, or obvious heels for night time, but instead of just putting on the boring matching black pair, go with red, green or even neon pink...the dress is black for God's sake, black goes with everything. Add a vintage brooch with black ballet flats and a little blazer for a date or lunch with the girls, put a stripey tshirt underneath teamed with huge hoop earrings and flip flops for ice cream at the beach. Wear your hair up in a messy sexy do with strands and strands of pearls and your best 'Fuck Me Heels' to lure a prospective penis. If you have a cute black dress, you will always have something to wear.
REALLY? YOU LOVE OBAMA?
Please, do not get me wrong. I love president Barack Obama. The fact that we have a man of multicultural heritage in charge of a great nation is a positive step in the right direction in my opinion. However, the amount of cats who claim to LOVE him because Beyonce has made it fashionable by wearing a tshirt with his face on it, or because you can get Obama bobble heads just irritates me. These same people HATED George W and didn't really know why they did either, but they knew everyone else did so it must be the right thing to do. Sure Mr Obama is doing some good things, why don't you go find out what they are before you declare yourself a big fan...I guess in life we need the sheep so the shepherds don't get bored.
Yeah. I went there x