Again, late. But last week I wrote a piece for Acclaim Magazine about incestious friends.
FOR BOYS ONLY
WE DO NOT WAKE UP LOOKING LIKE THIS.
I feel like you have this notion that Scarlett Johansson and Katie Perry wake up looking like they have no pores, have zero body hair and don't indulge in the wonderment that is control underwear...WELL YOU'RE WRONG. They do. And they do it hard. Honey, you lot actually have no idea of how much of this shit is smoke and mirrors hey. Don't get me wrong, to build a fancy house you need a solid foundation. All I'm saying, is that you need to keep your expectations in check OK?
I've told you once and I'll tell you again, if you over use smiley faces then I am here to tell you that you're gay.
WE READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
It's just what we do. I know I know, it ruins everything. But fuck man, we just can't help it. That's why you have to be straight with us. I know you would rather circumcise yourself with a flick knife than hurt a girls feelings which ends up making you feel like the bad guy, but it's in her best interest. She will see it that way eventually.
AND ON THE OTHER HAND...
If you get that she may be into you and you may be feeling somewhat similar, throw her a God damn bone. She reads between the lines, not crystal balls.
I AM ACTUALLY RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO SAY.
I think my work here is done.
FOR BOYS ONLY
WE KNOW YOU LIKE US TO GAG...
But if you jam it in, dun be surprised if you get teeth is all I'm saying.
STOP SHAVING YOUR BALLS, ARMS AND LEGS.
Just because you have a bike does not make you a cyclist. Who the Hell do you think you are anyway? Peter Andre? It's not even the smoothness that puts us off...OK it kinda is, smooth balls look a bit like one of those hairless cats...it's more that you are prickly to touch and also, the very THOUGHT of you sitting/standing in the shower with your leg up and a shaver is not ideal.
WHEN SHE ASKS IF SHE LOOKS FAT DO NOT EVEN HESITATE FOR 1 SECOND BEFORE YOU SAY NO.
Actually, maybe a tiny half second pause is OK, else she will think you are lying and just trying to tell her what she wants to know. Oh God, you can't actually win here. Sorry.
GET JEALOUS SOMETIMES!
It's totally cool. We LOVE it! But not like psycho "you're not going out in that short skirt" jealous, more like, 'hey that guy was flirting with you and you seemed to be flirting back?' Then she will get a bit sheepish which is great, but then don't get all sulky and moody, take her home and fuck her God damn brains out.
FOR BOYS ONLY
YOU ARE JUDGED BY YOUR SHOES.
Different brogues for different hoe's but we look at them.
Because being a tight ass won't let you near our tight ass.
NEVER CANCEL OR POSTPONE BY TEXT MESSAGE.
If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times...call her.
WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ALL THE OTHER GIRLS YOU'VE BEEN ON A DATE WITH.
Even if it's casual have some fucking respect and consideration for her feelings. Sure you're not in a relasho nor are you 'married' but guess what asshole? She is a human being with feelings.
IF YOU BORROW SOMEONE'S CAR, FILL THE TANK BEFORE YOU GIVE IT BACK.
Instead of thinking about the man you hope to be one day, just be it.
A TAN IS EARNED NOT BOUGHT.
Spray tans on a man are about as attractive as a cock and balls on a hot chick.
PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON.
Unless you're at home, on the beach or in the shower that is.
FOR BOYS ONLY
DO NOT OVER DO THE AFTERSHAVE OR MAN PERFUME.
That cloying, horrible OTT smell puts us off our dinner, let alone you.
'I'M BORED' READS 'I'M HORNY'
Who can blame you really, with 37 'likes' on FB it shows that shit works. And let's not forget the 'me too's'
IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT YOU BABE!
Yeah like there is no reason for us to even get undressed really is there? Oh no wait, there is...you need something to look at.
NO GLOVE NO LOVE.
Wear a condom dickhead and don't try your luck either.
IF YOU ARE OVER HER/IT THEN END IT AND PUT THE POOR BITCH OUT OF HER MISERY INSTEAD OF IGNORING HER MESSAGES AND CHEATING.
Cut shit loose otherwise she'll get pregnant. I'm warning you.
FOR BOYS ONLY
WEAR SUITS, BUT DON'T BE ALL 'I WEAR SUITS' ABOUT IT.
I dunno why, but when men enjoy a good suit they like to scream about it. Suit wearing should be effortless...in my opinion, but then, who else's opinion are you after if you're reading this innit? Once I met this guy at a bar and he was wearing a suit...not in a wanky 'I'm here for after work drinks' way but in a, 'this is what I put on to come out' way. He looked nice, but before I could tell him he did, I'm not sure if he thought I had something in common with Stevie Wonder or something but he said, 'So, have you noticed I'm wearing a suit?' What the fuck hey
INSIDE OUR BODIES THERE IS A SOUL, AND SOME OF US HAVE A PERSONALITY.
So don't just use us as a service station to empty your balls thanks. Even if it is a one night thing, make a woman feel sexual and desired and put your fucking back into it. I know some of you have cock issues i.e. not big enough, goes soft on you, you arrive early to the party etc and that then causes you to rush in quicker than R Kelly on prom night because you're nervous, but seriously girls talk. And lemme tell you, two thirds of you lot need to step your game up. Hey I know that there are ladies who enjoy a game of planking in the sack but I will take that up with them.
Before you go ahead and label a girl with the ever so original term 'psycho', just take a little step back, make yourself a coffee and consider your part in it all. Some of you are pretty easy to fall for, despite your head olympics and your cock issues.
WE SERIOUSLY DON'T EXPECT *THAT* MUCH FROM YOU HEY
The standards you set for yourself are way taller than those that we set for you. OK, we like you to smell nice, be nice and dress nice along with being attentive yet assertive, not money hungry but ambitious, sensitive but not a pussy and aggressive yet gentle during love making (yes love making). OK...maybe we DO expect a lot. Don't be such a pussy about it.
TRY TO FIND HAPPINESS BEFORE SUCCESS
One would think that with one comes the other, but this is just not so. Also, take some responsibility for your misery but don't hate on yourself...IT IS WHAT IT IS - God that saying is annoying.
FOR BOYS ONLY
THE SEXIEST THING IN A MAN IS HUMILTY WITH A PINCH OF ARROGANCE.
Words are whispers and actions are sirens. It's why Beyonce is having Jay's baby and not Kanye's.
LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH.
I know it's hard to keep your eyes in your head sometimes, and that's fine. Just make sure your dick stays where it is.
WE HATE FEDORAS.
But if you must, avoid the 'tilt'.
IF YOU CAN'T TAN, ACCEPT IT.
A man that 'buys' a tan is no man at all.
IT IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS IF SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH YOU.
It always starts out as fun and games. But if you're half decent and you have a good time, she may start to care. Go easy on her, she's not a robot.
WE LIKE IT ROUGH.
But then bring it home with some tenderness yeah?
FOR BOYS ONLY
AS THE PHILOSOPHER JANET JACKSON ONCE SAID, 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL IT'S GONE'
In a relationship? You love her? She can cook, great in bed, holds your head when you're sad and laughs at all your lame ass jokes? However you can't help but wonder if maybe there might be someone better? Guess what sunshine, there ain't.
MINI LESSON ON WHAT'S A CLIT KILLER:
Getting involved in girl beef (not curtains, just general daily gossip and stupid shit). Over using emoticons. A filthy bedroom. Dirty fingernails. Over using social media with blatant contrived statements you thought of earlier that day and have been waiting for the perfect moment to unleash it on your followers. No job and no desire to even get a job. Homophobia. Lying on your back with your hands behind your head whilst gesturing at your hard dick with your eyes and saying, 'Go mad'.
'BED SHEETS' HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE THINGS THAT GIRLS LOOK AT
I know what you think I'm gonna say...'no Power Ranger or Ninja Turtle sheets' - you did think that hey? NO. That's fine. Although, they seldom make those kids covers for anything bigger than a single bed so....what the fuck dude? We look at CLEANLINESS and how threadbare the bloody duvets are. Also for girls underwear, used tissues under the pillow and those tell tale white marks. Sort it out love.
WHY MUST YOU INSIST ON HEAD GAMES?
Yeah I know chicks do it too, but you guys are WAY worse. I truly believe it's because you are so scared of confrontation that you would rather us read your actions or between the lines of you not texting/calling/skyping back so we ironically 'get the message'. Grow some yeah?
MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM MARS ALSO
You guys apply logic towards emotion which makes you come across as insensitive. Women apply emotion to logic which makes them come across dramatic. We don't know why we all do the things we do and life is all about figuring that out in my opinion. But in the meantime, let's just get naked and laugh about it.