28/06/2011
The Vagine.
Look after your box and she will look after you.
CRANBERRY JUICE/CAPSULES/ETC - Every single time you get your groove on you need to neck some of this red fruited wonder food in any shape or form. I know I keep reiterating but I STILL get emails from girls telling me they are pissing razor blades. Developing a UTI is no laughing matter girls, it is almost not worth having sex. Almost. The next time you are sitting on the toilet wishing you could cut out your bladder and throw it at someone I want you to think of me saying 'I told you so'.
WAX IT OR LAZOR IT - Shaving is mad. OK, SOME of us have Mediterranean blood doing the conga through our veins so shaving is like asking for a cactus to grow in our knickers. Not cool. And I'll tell you what else ain't cricket, scratching your crotch in public. Shaving = a crotch scratch and don't deny it! Don't be scared of getting waxed...we are built for child birth i.e. pain ain't no thang! It's actually not bad at all dude, like sometimes after having shaved because you were too poor to get that shit yanked or just didn't have the time in between being a dope bitch and everything, and your bonnet is itchy as Hell till the point of scratching unashamedly on the side of a busy road...um, for instance, then the 'pain' of waxing is actually somewhat of a relief. Truth. It's all about maintenance yeah? Although sometimes when you know shits gonna go down and there's no time that just a quick tidy up round the edges will suffice with a SHARP CLEAN NEW razor. Believe me, he is just happy to be anywhere near pussy to be bothered about the lawn.
ON THE SAME TOPIC... - I am a little over dudes beginning to specify what they prefer 'down there' hey. 'I prefer it smooth' 'no I prefer a bit of a strip' er..........excuse me, but you will fucking get what you're given yeah? It's not like chicks are all like, 'Hey do you mind getting the snip? I prefer my meat a little kosher if you know what I mean?' Seriously ladies, the minute you give an inch, they take a mile so don't pander to their little whims. Speaking of inches, how often and how many do we get from them hmm? Exactly.
EVERYONE LOOKS A LITTLE DIFFERENT - And that's just fine! Do yourself a favor and watch some porn. Preferably not after some chick has been ploughed by some 9 inch member and her vagina is left looking like an unmade bed. No. Look at them, before the sex happens and they're messing about on their own. Each is a different colour, size, flaps in, flaps out some are darker some have bush and some look like a Pringles tin...I'm not gonna lie. Bear in mind these ladies have seen a fair amount of penis so it's not entirely accurate but yeah the point is, one is not any better or prettier than the next. Some chicks get the bleach in (not BAM, special stuff) but that's next level and that's up to you if you want to take a trip down that slippery slope :/
DOES IT SMELL A LITTLE 'OFF'? - Well does it? It's not the end of the world. You just need to start upping your yogurt and those little 'good bacteria' shake things. Your little fleshy triangle has a ph balance and sometimes, it is disrupted by things like antibiotics, non cotton knickers, over washing with soap (just water ladies), letting him go in the front hole after he has been in the back hole (sorry it needs to be said) and not drinking enough water. A simple pill or cream that you can get over the counter at the pharmacy will sort you right out. And please, don't be all embarrassed to go and ask for it...grow up. If you're old enough for dick you're old enough to ask the nice man for some vagina cream. OK?
WHAT DO WE CALL IT? - Whatever we fucking well want. And you may ALLOW him to occasionally call it 'pussy' in bed or for the daring, he can drop the c bomb but only if you feel comfortable with it yeah? Personally, I prefer 'money box'.
MASTURBATE - Spend some quality time wit yo fine self! Honestly, it is the most fun you will ever have on your own and also, it makes you a better teacher for when homeboy loses his way. Toys and stuff are fun (keep them clean!) but using the tools that God gave you works just fine. I'm not gonna tell you how you should do it because its different for each individual but what I will say is, don't be scared to get adventurous...try tasting it for example.
Love you x
07/06/2011
ISSUE 4 of C.O.P OUT NOW!!
My family at C.O.P mag have just unleashed their latest creation. I may or may not have penned a little something for them, but that is not the point. Who is over those fucking mags with sealed sections and yet another cover of some kind of Kardashian type clone with a photoshop glow? Same hey. That's why this rag is like the girl at school you weren't allowed to play with. Go get her here
29/11/2010
Take Justin Ward from Soggybones Magazine’s advice…he actually raises some interesting points
BIATCH THE FUCK UP - If your man's taking you for a cunty joy ride, sucking off your cheques and slumming at your place like an obese rodent, ask yourself, what's he good for? Chances are everyone outside your relationship knows he's taking you for granted. His mates will be glad to have him back, your friends will respect you and you'll appreciate true colours...just take time out to clean your dirty windows. The sex can't be that mental, can it?
PAY ATTENTION TO THE WAYS OF A FOREIGN JUNGLE - It's one thing to be all about your roots, but another to be totally rooted in the wrong jungle. For example, if you're heading south to Margaret River or Denmark for a summer weekend with your girls, remember such country places are full of feral men, they're as willing as city dudes, but they just don't give a shit about the latest fashion trends. There is nothing more off putting than a group of Perth girls rock up at the country Tavern looking like they're hitting some crook bar in Subiaco. Leave your heels and cakes of makeup on the floor. Keep it mellow, and if your stomach's down, Coopers it is.
SHOULDERS BACK - What is with attractive girls whipping around town with weak arse posture? Holy fuck! Girls, if you've got bad posture, but the rest of you is fine and polished, you're not getting in the car. There is nothing worse than a lady slouching mid conversation sipping on her drink. It's off putting. Shoulders back will do wonders for your short/long term health.
EAT IT - If you order, demolish the Kebab, even if it hits the floor. Don't order something and sit there gawking at it for 10 minutes. There is nothing lamer than cruising with a girl and having her order lamb to simply remark when it arrives, "oh, I'm not in the mood anymore. Sorry. Do you mind finishing it off?" Fuck oath we do, eat!
GO ONE UP THIS XMAS - That's if you're thinking of buying me a t-shirt. Men typically sink more beer and drop more kebabs. If it's a little o/s we will grow into it. We won't be offended if you buy one size too big. Nothing worse than a rad looking Tee that's one size too small.
Coopers? No cider in the sticks?, Owl x
Justin is the editor of SOGGYBONES MAGAZINE
Yup, it's still all about the boys. Let's hear it from another perspective, it's not all about me you know! Well for November anyway. Perth based Artist Ryan Boserio from Last Chance Studio shares some words of wisdom for the bitches ...
DRINK IN PUBLIC - Street drinking is the perfect test of a woman. If you're too good to street drink then what else are you too good for?
DON'T WEAR HEELS IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT - If you're drunk and you fall off your heels, or if they are turning your feet into something that looks like Freddy Kruegers face then learn your lesson and just chill out- rock something else for a while.
READ MORE - You dumb.
DEVELOP INTERESTS - Shopping and hair don't count. It's a cruel joke that men have interests and women have interests in men. If you get rejected picking up and you've got nothing to fall back on, then how can you play it cool like “Whatever- I didn't want to waste time with him anyway, I got some Lego building to do.” ?
SHUT UP WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK - For real, we all know that ladies like crying and freaking out and getting all upset and getting hell deep. Stop that. The lads that were thinking about hooking up with you are now thinking about your mental instability.
STOP YELLING AT YOUR BOYFRIEND IN PUBLIC - Get mad all you like, you're allowed, but know that this isn't a reality TV show. Airing your dirty laundry is for plebs. Go home and fight.
WATCH PORN. - I mean the kind of porn that men watch. It's cool if you get turned on by it, but if you don't, then think of it as research. Dudes watch that shit all the time and they probably want to do some of those things with you. If you're already with a dude and he suggests some shit you haven't tried; fucking google it.
This one time I Googled it, and the men in suits came over and took my computer away wearing rubber gloves...what do you think it means?? , Love Owl x
Ryan loves planes and twitter, sometimes even facebook.
FOR GIRLS ONLY
DRINK IN PUBLIC - Street drinking is the perfect test of a woman. If you're too good to street drink then what else are you too good for?
DON'T WEAR HEELS IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT - If you're drunk and you fall off your heels, or if they are turning your feet into something that looks like Freddy Kruegers face then learn your lesson and just chill out- rock something else for a while.
READ MORE - You dumb.
DEVELOP INTERESTS - Shopping and hair don't count. It's a cruel joke that men have interests and women have interests in men. If you get rejected picking up and you've got nothing to fall back on, then how can you play it cool like “Whatever- I didn't want to waste time with him anyway, I got some Lego building to do.” ?
SHUT UP WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK - For real, we all know that ladies like crying and freaking out and getting all upset and getting hell deep. Stop that. The lads that were thinking about hooking up with you are now thinking about your mental instability.
STOP YELLING AT YOUR BOYFRIEND IN PUBLIC - Get mad all you like, you're allowed, but know that this isn't a reality TV show. Airing your dirty laundry is for plebs. Go home and fight.
WATCH PORN. - I mean the kind of porn that men watch. It's cool if you get turned on by it, but if you don't, then think of it as research. Dudes watch that shit all the time and they probably want to do some of those things with you. If you're already with a dude and he suggests some shit you haven't tried; fucking google it.
This one time I Googled it, and the men in suits came over and took my computer away wearing rubber gloves...what do you think it means?? , Love Owl x
Ryan loves planes and twitter, sometimes even facebook.
Hi everyone, I thought I’d just take this time to introduce myself. I’m from South Africa and my legs are made from vuvuzelas. I drive an elephant to work (it’s an auto). My cat is a lion and my father is a bastard.
I’ve been asked (what with it being Movember, you moustache growing hipsters) with giving you guys some advice about lady parts and boy parts. I thought that perhaps it would be best if I provided the ladies with some cool advice about dudes, guys, bruchachos so that they don’t break the men in their life.
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| Hey Dad, you big asshole. MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO - Just because most men open beer bottles using their foreskins as some kind of suction-powered bottle opener doesn’t mean that they don’t have feelings. Those of you who don’t have foreskins, I feel ya, we just smash beer bottles open on our balls. Sometimes when you’re playing on your little videogames-machine and you can’t beat the final boss, it can get quite intense. Sometimes your sports team loses to those other bastards. And sometimes your girlfriend’s dogs won’t stop barking in the car when you’re driving them to the forest and it nearly makes you cry. That happened to me once. |
WHATEVER YOU'RE WEARING IS FINE - In South Africa we (I) have a saying: Never judge a koek (Afrikaans slang for vagina, pronounced like cook) by its cover. That small-eyed lady who played that Bridget Jones chick was lying. Granny panties are fine, as long as they’re not covering granny bits. What’s that lame-ass American-sounding saying? Those clothes would look great, on my floor (while you shove this cucumber up my bum, but in a heterosexual way).
TOOTHPASTE TUBES ARE MEANT TO BE SQUEEZED FROM THE BOTTOM - I’ve done a scientific study into this. A friend of mine and I both have girlfriends who squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle. Why do all girls do this? To emasculate us? Jesus Christ.
MEN HAVE NIPPLES TOO - Just saying.
SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO DRIVE FAST - And block other people in traffic who are trying to pass us, because they are douchebags. This is just a fact of life. As sure as Madonna’s arms are actually the hardest substance known to humankind. And the most sinewy.
JUST BECAUSE A TEE SHIRT HAS A HOLE IN THE ARMPIT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T WEAR IT ANYMORE - It’s ventilation. They built ventilation shafts in the pyramids at Giza and you don’t think those are stupid, do you? No, you want to go there on a romantic holiday when it’s very easy to make a beer can pyramid on the kitchen table and save a lot of money.
I’d just like to finish this guest blog by saying I’m sorry.
Oh, and you can always follow me on twitter if you like (it’s even worse than this).
Paul White
I squeeze it from the bottom...it makes it look bigger. Love Owl x
