- 'I don't know if I ever want to get married' - this is a defence mechanism girls use in case they don't and then they come across like it was their decision. It's fine to want to get married, it's not about religion or institution etc etc, it is about love. Yes, love. If it was about anything else but love then the gays don't have a case. And if it is about legal matters such as financially protecting yourself then we wouldn't be so picky, would we? Wanting to get married should be like wanting a Chanel handbag....you might never get it but that doesn't mean you should stop trying.
- 'I'll just eat this mac and cheese and then I will start my diet in the morning' - Guess what fatty? Tomorrow never comes. The time is now!
- 'I'm just with him for the sex, I don't want him to be my boyfriend or anything' - You're right, you don't want him to be your boyfriend, but you are happy for him to act like one so you feel comforted while you look for someone who is boyfriend worthy. This is why dudes think we are bitches by the way. We know right from the start that he is not right, but we string him along anyway because it feels nice to have someone who sends you messages and who will fuck you therefore leaving you feel desired and wanted. Look, it's understandable but it is toxic (for you and for him). Hey your self worth called, she is looking for you!
- 'People need to accept me for me' - Great attitude! Now, if you were less of an asshole then you would feel a lot more accepted. Generally people love different people! Why? Because they are interesting. But if you have zero self awareness, talk about yourself constantly and have more photos that you have taken yourself in your bathroom mirror than you've had hot dinners then chances are you don't really need many friends to tell you how wonderful you are because you are doing a good job of that on your own. Or are you like that because you are trying to convince yourself how wonderful you are? Irony is a beautiful 'ting.
- 'I am not like most girls' - Yes you are.
- 'I'm not going to stoop to her level' - You just did.
- 'What's wrong? Nothing.' - Another reason why guys think we are head cases...passive aggression.
- 'You're not fat!' - We call ourselves fat out loud all the time and we say 'I have eaten so much junk today' out loud all time and here's the thing: If your friend is obviously not fat...like she weighs less than 75kg and generally eats well then she is saying these things because she is looking for attention and validation. When a chubbier girl, who is blatantly unhappy with the way she looks is saying these things, she is crying out for help. The worst thing you can say to her is that she is not fat and then take her out to dinner to the latest American diner food place to 'cheer her up'. Flip the question the next time she asks if she is fat, ask her 'Do you think you are fat? Are you happy? If not, what are you going to do about it? It's not even about being thin or fat, it is about being happy and comfortable. Some people are chubby and cool with it and that is just fine, while others have emotional relationships with food. If we had a friend who had a drinking or a drug problem, then we would say something. But why not food? Why is this such a sensitive issue? Because if you say something you come across as rude? Well, quite frankly, it's rude not to.
- Don't instagram the sunset, enjoy it.
- Familiarity breeds contempt and its upsetting.
- Go to the dentist. Don't put it off because its better in the long run for both your smile and your bank account.
- People who are the most irritating are usually the ones who just want to be loved.
- When in a restaurant, put your phone away. It's never OK to have it on the table. Asshole.
- Girls: Never say 'I love you' first.
- Dude, have you ever tried roast cauliflower with pinenuts and crumbled feta over the top? Oh oh and spinach? You're missing out.
- Girls with small boobs: Stop trying to make yourself feel better about it by calling girls with large boobs a slut.
- Girls with large boobs: Stop acting like sluts.
- Stop calling other girls sluts. We get it enough from the men.
- Try a little tenderness.
YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS...
When you get home from work and the last thing you feel like doing is working out because you feel so shit you can either just couch it for the evening and continue to feel shit OR you could drag yourself onto the pavement/gym and without a doubt feel x million times better. JUST SAYING.
TWITTER: READ BETWEEN THE 140 CHARACTERS:
- Tweeting a big statement that goes against known mass opinion/assumption = 'I am creating the illusion of original thought'
- Thanks @nike! Thanks @blah blah = 'I am friends with these guys and I didn't pay for it'
- Starting tweets with 'Dear...' then followed by a non person i.e. 'Dear Weather' = 'I am trying to turn an inane tweet into something interesting'
- Confessional tweets i.e. 'I just ate 6 donuts and I don't care' = 'I am putting something out in the open that I would normally try to keep private in order to seek comfort and to ease my guilt'
- Making statements about one's next purchase, about one's 'personal style', about a tattoo one is 'thinking of getting' etc = 'I just called it and now I 'own' it'
I KNOW IT'S HARD...
... but you just HAVE to try and find your self worth from somewhere deeper than your instagram 'likes' honey.
KNOW WHEN TO CUT IT OFF!
This goes for hair, acrylic nails, toxic friendships, bar tabs and unreciprocated crushes. Snip snip!
DRESS UP PARTIES ARE LAME.
First of all, they're bossy. Second of all, the only reason why anyone has one of these is because they have an outfit they have been dying to wear and therefore the entire theme will revolve around said outfit. RSVP: No Thanks, I'm staying home to drink and get blazed in wearing whatever I want.
A LIMO IS NEVER CHIC UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY OWN IT.
Seriously? The 'for hire' sign on the back? Really? You're gonna go there? And don't even get me started on Hummers...
I thought everyone was talking shit. Turns out they weren't. There is not enough time to over think and feed paranoia when you are going ham on the cross trainer. I recommend joining a gym, they actually aren't THAT excy hey. I mean, you are probs gonna give up things like loads of booze and shit food so it balances. It's not even really about losing weight, I feel like that's a bonus, it's really about clearing the head. Invest in cute workout gear, it's a total motivation to get your ass moving. There is nothing I can say to convince you really, you just got to do it. Admittedly, I am in the honeymoon phase of working out, I'll let you know how I'm tracking in a month.
DELETING AND BLOCKING.
Do it. Get rid. Move on. Knocking on a wall dun turn it into a door as Coco Chanel or someone French once said. It probably sounded cooler in French to be fair. As do most things.
WAKING UP EARLY AND EATING BREAKFAST.
You totally feel more in control of your day. There is also something really peaceful about mornings. ALTHOUGH the sound of my alarm does not softly nudge me into action, it's more of a sudden jolt of panic. So I'm not really sure how good this advice is, but still. Waking up early and not rushing in the morning lowers stress levels for sure.
SEE A FILM. LISTEN TO MUSIC. GO TO A GALLERY.
Get some culture in your fucking life for God's sake. Be inspired. Take it all in. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
DON'T TALK ABOUT PEOPLE.
Unless the gossip is hilarious. Then by all means. No but srsly, stay away from drama. The saying, 'Drama just follows me' is a pile of wank. You lure it with your seductive ways. Stop it.
DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT INDULGING.
Guilt and jealousy are emotions that are about as useful as a chocolate teapot. They do nobody any good. Go buy those sneakers you've been salivating over for months, have a piece of cake, sleep in, take holiday, go for a massage, have sex all day. But remember, everything in moderation....except the sex part.
Even if it's just a sentence before you go to bed. Even if you just list everything you ate that day. Even if it's just a letter to someone who pissed you off that you will never send. Every day write something down. You'll be amazed at the messages your sub concious wants to convey. Everyone can talk and everyone can write. Write down words as they come into your head and turn them into sentences. It doesn't even have to make sense as you are the only one who will ever read it. Just get it all out. WRITE IT DOWN.
CHEER UP BUTTERCUP.
Smile. It's not so bad. Except sometimes it is that bad and you can't help that. But after the rain the sun must come...and it always will.
It's the 2nd month of 2012 and I feel only now are we able to implement our resolutions for real because lez be honest, we have still all been drunk as fuck up until now and I had 4 Tim Tam's today and I'm necking on red wine as we digitally speak. SO THIS MONTH I THINK WE SHOULD ALL...
TAKE OUR MONEY MORE SRSLY.
Put some aside every single pay. Maybe even have a jar where you empty your change every night OR you can collect $2 coins...or if not dollars then in any currency in which you barter. Saving does not equal boring though I'll have you know, it means taking control of your clams and making shit work for you. Get on top of your shit yo!
Those that own a vehicle and a vagina TAKE NOTE! Did you know your insurance and your registration and your license EXPIRES??!!? You did? Well fuck you. Yes for those who have a life, they expire. And with expiration comes anxiety so take control and don't let the bastards pull you over and ask for all your monies! The thing that gets you from A to B should be treated with respect. Yes yes, I can hear all you bike riders already, well then next time you need a lift to the airport, I'll drive slowly next to you as you go up hill and pass you Lucozade.
Catch them. They're good for you and make you not want to kill yourself on a whim.
AND ON THAT NOTE...
Wake up early and get to work on time. Your boss will give you a gold star next to your name plus you will feel smug AND it cuts down on our old friend ANXIETY. I'm telling ya, there is something to be said about being on the straight and narrow.
EAT YO GREENS.
Eat right. Avoid the scurvy...and in rare cases, gout (in joke, sozz). Like today for instance, I ate 5 handfuls of jelly beans, 4 biscuits and a burger and fries for lunch. SO GROSS. I feel fat, out of control and yucky. Not because I'm saying you should cut out the fun, but it's more because I had a burger last night for dinner and beer and I'm on antibiotics EEK. When I eat better, I feel better...ya know?
CHEER UP BUTTERCUP.
The world is full of cunts. It always has and it always will be and there is nun you can do to change that. You can change you attitude and approach though and that will relieve the stress and irritation you feel when you come across a winner. Be patient with the faults of other, they have to be patient with yours after all.
EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!
This is a sure fire way in making sure that you hate yourself. You may even consider sticking your finger down your throat after you have inhaled the family size instant mac and cheese followed by 2 mars bars and it's probably not a bad idea. I mean, vomiting and over eating whilst crying is the ideal way to make yourself feel better when you're going through a fuck show.
TEXT/MESSAGE/FB/TWEET THE DUDE THAT HAS ONLY EVER MADE YOU AN OPTION.
It will be even WORSE if he doesn't reply. Here you go, why don't you just take this knife and make a few wounds on your arm and then I'll just pour all this salt in them?
YOU SHOULD GOSSIP AND TALK SHIT ABOUT EVERYONE.
I mean, when you are feeling lonely and a bit down, the best thing to do is to start alienating and stabbing all your friends in the back. You will feel like such a champion for doing it so why not take it a step further and flirt with their boyfriends?
YOU SHOULD HAVE LOADS OF MEANINGLESS, UNPROTECTED SEX WITH BONEHEADS.
It just does wonders for the soul and self esteem. Nothing quite says 'I love myself' like getting naked with someone that probably can't remember your name and convinces you that using a condom is a silly idea. Why not take some naked photos of yourself with your head in smiling and waving and send it to his phone AND email just in case he didn't get it?
SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON JUNK AND/OR BOOZE AND DRUGS.
Because the anxiety of not being able to pay rent and your phone bill and the impending sense of doom one gets when they are having financial problems will far out weigh any troubles that are going on in your world innit?
DON'T CLEAN THE HOUSE OR DO ANY LAUNDRY FOR AGES.
It's great to just sit in squalor and look shit as well as feel shit. You want to be authentically shit inside and out hey? It's awesome when you open the fridge and it smells like somebody's cat died in there, you just feel like you are in complete control of your life. All good, nothing to see here!
Ever feel like you are losing control of your life? You know there is nothing major happening yet you just don't feel like you've got a grip on things? Shit is falling through the cracks and it makes you feel mildly anxious? I feel like that all the God damn time. I am in a continuous mind set that I 'should' be doing something and it sucks horses balls. I find a bit of general admin puts things into perspective.
BILLS/FINES/AND OTHER $$$$ RELATED ISSUES
This is the worst of the worst 'cause it hangs over your head like the acid rain cloud that it is. Every time I put my hand in my bag to look for something I would find another hot damn parking fine that I stuffed in there before forgetting about it. Then when I think I'm on top of something another little winner of a bill rears it's life ruining head in my mailbox. WOULD THE WORLD GIVE ME A BREAK PLEASE. It's very easy to just throw money at whomever shouts loudest but you have to prioritise. Firstly, you don't want to lose your license, so you want to get onto anything that is fine related. Secondly, you don't want to live in darkness so pay yo bills. Phone and Internet should be last on the priority list if you are up to your ears in paper that ain't worth much, they are the more understanding folk when you give them a ring and ask for an extension. But for real, don't ignore money issues. They are sleepless night inducing fuck shows.
Go to the doctor and book that dentist appointment. Apply for private health and go to the supermarket and stock up on things that are good for you for once. Those fast food treats and booze benders always seem like they are occasional but before you know it, you are all up in an unhealthy highway and you need to pull your fucking head in. A few nights in and an early night or two won't go astray either. Trust me, you'll feel better for it. Just please Lord don't become boring. Also, have a lot of rough, vigorous sex. Masturbate. Buy some toys. Watch porn on those nights in. Get sensual and healthy baby.
Clean your fridge, do your laundry, vacuum, take your car through the car wash. Sterilize your bathroom, buy some new bed sheets and buy a new toothbrush. A scented candle wouldn't be a bad idea either. Be all Frankie magazine about it as well, and cop yourself some flowers and put them on the side of the bath. Then have a bath and shave your legs. You can have your first wine for the week now as well.
BODY AND MIND
Please girl, shave your legs and get your nails done. They don't have to be some mad manicure, just file them and keep them clean. Cover yourself in body lotion (even your boobs), and put on a face mask. Dye your hair and buy some new make up. Put the computer away for a bit, switch your phone off and watch a flick you've been meaning to watch or...*shock horror* .... read a book! Make a list of all the boys who are bad for you and cut the fuckers off. Spring clean that little black book baby girl! Stop thinking about 'him' - you only miss 'him' because you are scared of the future. Don't be. It's gonna be the tits!
Have an early night and set your alarm a little earlier than normal. When you wake up the first thing you do after you pee is drink a full glass of water before you do anything else (a Korean beautician I used to have in London told me this years ago and I swear to God it changed my skin forever) then have a shower and do your hair and make up with the same amount of care you would for a night out. Get into work focused and pick up your favorite coffee. DO NOT SIGN INTO FACEBOOK. Fuck that shit right off...it's a time zapper. Start your working day as you mean to go on. Avoid office gossip. Avoid negative talk. Avoid moaning. Avoid cunts. You get paid to be there, you don't have to be besties with these people. Key word here: FOCUS.
Start putting them into action. The age old list system with a piece of paper and pen is still the best way to go about this. Make your dreams tangible. Nothing is over the top, aim high! (sorry if I sound like
Oprah) then make make some plans babe. Also, don't tell anyone your plans. Keep your cards close to your chest, assholes wanna hate and put doubt in your mind. Don't think out loud and only speak about it when it starts to unfold.
Remember, keep it tight. Especially your vagina.
S - is for SEX.
Sozz. Nothing wack here...just plain old sex. I have kind of dug my own hole regarding this blog, because now I have created this online persona of being some kind of sex expert. I most certainly am not. I just know what I like and I know what I don't. And I am just a regular girl, so if I feel this way, then I know others do and because no matter how many times Lady Gaga dances in her underwear, or Carrie Bradshaw type shows there are, it is still taboo for women to talk openly and honestly about it. But then men can just open their little blow horns about it all they want and they aren't pegged as 'shocking' or 'inappropraite'. Bite me.
T - is for TOYS.
Embrace them. Be adventurous with them. Collect them. Don't be scared of them. CLEAN THEM.
U - is for UTI's.
Imma tell you this once and that's it. The fuck show that is the UTI can all be avoided if you a) pop a cranberry tab after sexy times b) have a wee wee c) don't let him put it in your foo foo after your poo poo. Failing these three things means you will be pissing razor blades for a solid amount of time. Don't say I didn't warn ya.
V - is for VAGINA.
Look after yours. Wax her. Wash her. Keep her entertained. She's a person too and we don't want her getting all depressed. Only let interesting, thoughtful penis's visit her and keep it tight.
W - is for WANK.
Do it on the reg. If you don't know what you like, then the other person won't know what you like. WANK WANK WANKITY WANK X
A - F G - L M - R
Yes everyone I had a bit of a blip there for a second, well...more for a fucking week! SPAM was a bastard and got into the crevices of the OWL and NOT in a good way! But hey, I'm back now and it's like it never happened. Just in time mind you because I had a 'lil chat with LA band HEALTH where I gave them a few situations with which they provided me with the best fitting tune. Did any of you catch them on their Aus tour? So good huh?! Plus if I were to hold the twitter Oscars, hands down I would give the gold bird to these fuckers. Funny shit. Check it.