FOR BOYS ONLY
CHILL OUT ON THE HOMOPHOBIA
It ain't sexy honey. What do you think these gay guys are going to do to you exactly? Hold you down and take your bum hole virginity whilst singing a Cher number into your ear all whilst wearing pink skinny jeans? Listen my dears, half of them can't even hold down their eyelash curlers, let alone hold you down. Straight boys getting freaked out by their homosexual counterparts just makes me want to yawn these days. They are GAY, just leave them the hell alone and stop hating. What makes me laugh even more is that most of the 'alleged' straight dudes dress and act more feminine than Elton John at a tea party. Don't stress about the gay boys sugar, they wont bite...unless you want them to.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, BUY US TEA TOWELS OR BLENDERS AS PRESENTS
It's so frikkin sexy it makes us moist in our knickers. Not.
DO NOT BITCH AND GOSSIP ABOUT CHICKS
Leave that to us. There is something terribly off putting about a guy getting involved in female politics. It's all bull shit anyway, so keep your nose out and just stand there and look pretty OK? I'm kidding! Or am I ...
WOULD YOU KINDLY USE THE TOILET BEFORE COMING TO BED WHEN YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING
Hands up ladies who have had their men piss the bed after a night of boozing? Other things include in the cupboard, in their shoes...even on US - and not in a good way, I might add.
WE REALLY LOVE IT WHEN YOU COOK US DINNER
Even if you can't cook...try. You can buy those pasta sauces in jars these days - they aren't great, but they'll do, boil some linguine, mix in the sauce, sprinkle some parmesan cheese on top. Set the table with some flowers, get a good bottle of wine - splash out and spend more than 20 bucks on it and put 'Kings of Convenience' on the stereo. Seriously, it doesn't have to be fancy. We'll just love it that you made the effort. If you do all of this, and she is a miserable cow about it I THEN give you permission to piss the bed.
God speed fella's x
FOR BOYS ONLY
THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO TELL US HOW HOT YOU THINK OUR FRIENDS ARE
Unless you want to suck your own dick later that is.
CLEANSE AND MOISTURISE YOUR FACE
It. is. not. gay. You need to do it. Do you think that baby bottom skin is gonna last forever? So many brands do skincare for dudes now anyway, so the packaging is all manly and stuff. It's fine. No one will laugh at you.
DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR, AND GO BUY YOURSELF A PAIR OF JEANS THAT FIT YOU WELL
The best thing about your body is your ass. A pair of good jeans well help accentuate this little treasure. You need to avoid boot cuts and please for the love of GOD avoid stone wash. Yes yes some of you think skinny jeans are gayer that Elton John on all fours, so we're not asking you to get them, but get some that make your ass look like two scoops of ice cream please at least. Hardly anywhere does jeans with a zip fly for dudes now so don't ask for them, also, button fly denims are safer...lets be honest. So to sum it up, you need a pair of bog standard straight leg jeans that sit low on the hip, do not have a boot cut, button fly and low back pockets. Find a lady sales assistant to help you, she'll thoroughly enjoy the experience. Trust me.
TIPS FOR BUYING UNDERWEAR
Avoid the word 'polyester'. Avoid Crotchless. Avoid anything from the Adult Store, those things are meant for chicks named Cookie and whores, or for when you and your missus are just wanting a bit of fun. If you are purchasing knickers as a gift it needs to be something sexy yet tasteful. It needs to fit her properly too. You can't buy her a DD just because you want her to be that, a good bra can make her look like she has DD's anyway. Check out her underwear drawer and look at the sizes. Ask her mates...(for her size. Not theirs.) Do some research my dear. Go for black, white, soft pinks or leopard print. She's your lady, not your mistress. Cute polka dots and such is wonderful too. Elle Macpherson, Pleasure State and Agent Provocateur are all good choices. Happy shopping.
YEAH OF COURSE SIZE DOESN'T MATTER
Just like tits don't matter to you.