- Now listen up! When you like something like say um, cheese. That does not mean that you need to suck the fucking life out of it. You don't have to go out and buy cheese clothes and only listen to cheese music and cop a cheese iPhone cover and only ever listen to cheese and hang out with others who are equally as obsessed. You are going to get cheese fatigue and exhaust the very notion of it and before you know it, you will no longer be excited when you see a smattering of it on your pasta or alternatively, you will end up living in a cheese house and no one will ever visit you except for mice. Of course I am using cheese as a stand in for many other things I could have said and on that note...
- Nobody needs 457 pairs of sneakers.
- Remember to laugh at yourself because you are pretty hilarious.
- 'Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better' - as someone once said.
- Be careful going around calling people a racist. A racist almost always has malicious intent. Usually, people are not racist. They are prejudice. And this prejudice is usually derived from somewhere, usually ignorance but also sometimes anger. That knee jerk reaction will just kick you in the face.
- Who likes drugs?! Go easy on them, OK? It is the element of danger that makes them so much fun but be aware that, that element is there.
- If you use your phone while you are in the bath or eat soup while you are on your computer you are basically begging the world to fuck with you.
- Quit harping on about 'being humble' and 'feeling inspired' and actually act like you have some fucking humility and show that you've been inspired! Actions speak louder than words! Do you kids just ignore all the cliches these days? Is that where we're at?
- He isn't calling, texting, facebook messaging, emailing, liking your instagram photos, liking your facebook photos, retweeting you, @'ing you or acknowledging your 'online presence' because he DOES NOT WANT TO. Move on please. Just.move.the.fuck.on.
- How about you have a real life conversation with a friend and you both keep your phones in your bag for one whole hour?
- Sometimes (or even most times) it is probably in your best interest to remain silent. One often thinks you have to look at the world as though you are watching a movie. Everyone around you are actors telling you a story, and it is your job to be the audience and to do nothing but ponder.
- Everyone has an agenda. Nobody does anything without hoping for some kind of result. There is nothing wrong with that but it depends where their agenda stems from. And also, it depends on what a person considers what the definition of 'winning' is.
- You should all try to have real plants in your house. Only a bit of Mother Earth could make a dump look cosy.
- In life, you will often be distracted from your dreams and sense of self by someone in authority, or someone you actually respect because they have the ability to sway your thinking. It is important to hear them as advice, rather than an order...no matter how bossy they can be. Except of course if it's your boss getting you to do something...such as your job.
- We are going too fast. The world is spinning. You do have the ability to slow down though. When you're finished reading this, switch off your computer and go do something else.
- Smell the roses.
- Girls...if you are feeling tired, unattractive and unenthusiastic about dressing up then you probably need to have some sex. Like you need to be fucked, and you need to be fucked well.
- What? You are having sex and you still feel this way? You're doing it wrong.
- Put a bit of Malibu in your hot chocolate. Have your winter with a dash of summer.
- How old will you have to be to realise that you don't have to do what everyone else is doing? Hmmm?
- 'I don't know if I ever want to get married' - this is a defence mechanism girls use in case they don't and then they come across like it was their decision. It's fine to want to get married, it's not about religion or institution etc etc, it is about love. Yes, love. If it was about anything else but love then the gays don't have a case. And if it is about legal matters such as financially protecting yourself then we wouldn't be so picky, would we? Wanting to get married should be like wanting a Chanel handbag....you might never get it but that doesn't mean you should stop trying.
- 'I'll just eat this mac and cheese and then I will start my diet in the morning' - Guess what fatty? Tomorrow never comes. The time is now!
- 'I'm just with him for the sex, I don't want him to be my boyfriend or anything' - You're right, you don't want him to be your boyfriend, but you are happy for him to act like one so you feel comforted while you look for someone who is boyfriend worthy. This is why dudes think we are bitches by the way. We know right from the start that he is not right, but we string him along anyway because it feels nice to have someone who sends you messages and who will fuck you therefore leaving you feel desired and wanted. Look, it's understandable but it is toxic (for you and for him). Hey your self worth called, she is looking for you!
- 'People need to accept me for me' - Great attitude! Now, if you were less of an asshole then you would feel a lot more accepted. Generally people love different people! Why? Because they are interesting. But if you have zero self awareness, talk about yourself constantly and have more photos that you have taken yourself in your bathroom mirror than you've had hot dinners then chances are you don't really need many friends to tell you how wonderful you are because you are doing a good job of that on your own. Or are you like that because you are trying to convince yourself how wonderful you are? Irony is a beautiful 'ting.
- 'I am not like most girls' - Yes you are.
- 'I'm not going to stoop to her level' - You just did.
- 'What's wrong? Nothing.' - Another reason why guys think we are head cases...passive aggression.
- 'You're not fat!' - We call ourselves fat out loud all the time and we say 'I have eaten so much junk today' out loud all time and here's the thing: If your friend is obviously not fat...like she weighs less than 75kg and generally eats well then she is saying these things because she is looking for attention and validation. When a chubbier girl, who is blatantly unhappy with the way she looks is saying these things, she is crying out for help. The worst thing you can say to her is that she is not fat and then take her out to dinner to the latest American diner food place to 'cheer her up'. Flip the question the next time she asks if she is fat, ask her 'Do you think you are fat? Are you happy? If not, what are you going to do about it? It's not even about being thin or fat, it is about being happy and comfortable. Some people are chubby and cool with it and that is just fine, while others have emotional relationships with food. If we had a friend who had a drinking or a drug problem, then we would say something. But why not food? Why is this such a sensitive issue? Because if you say something you come across as rude? Well, quite frankly, it's rude not to.
- Back in the day, one's opinion used to be based on fact, not passion or emotion. Whatever happened to that?
- Instead of counting the things that you have loved and lost, try counting your blessings for instant gratification.
- Ladies, if a man is fingering you, never allow him to use more than three fingers...even if you can take it! You are a woman, a goddess and your vagina is your majesty. Be kind to it.
- Starchy foods such as white bread, white rice and potatoes don't help with weight loss. They fall more under the 'weight gain' category. As do processed sugar and booze. Fuck, I would love to live in a world where woman just don't care about their bodies but I don't. It does exist though! But not in the first world. Here we are surrounded with a abundance of everything and we are suckers to gluttony.
- Eat less white bread and potatoes and read more books. It's all fair and well to look good, but it's useless if you are thick in other senses of the word.
- Stop shopping! Stop consuming! Stop filling your wardrobe up with crappy, throw away fashion. Buy less but buy well and wear often. Focus more on status which comes from consistency and not statements. Get off that consumer treadmill.
- Have you guys worked out your signature dish yet? What is it?
- To honestly love comes from lack of judgement.
- If he has a girlfriend, then leave him alone. Let's bring back the sisterhood!
- Vanilla Ice said it best: Stop, collaborate and listen.
I have a bit of a confession to make...I am not in love Melbourne. Alex calls me ungrateful and she is right. I don't not like it but well, I don;t love it like I am supposed to. Maybe I have travelling fatigue as I have lived in so many different places and I am hopelessly in love with Cape Town and London and even Perth to an extent because it holds my two greatest loves being my family and an incredible coastline.
The truth is, I have never given Melbs a chance. I came here depressed and was depressed for the last two years. Yawn! I know! Another depressed creative right? I hate to be a cliche but not even I can escape being generalised. I enjoy it here and I have made some incredible friends and I don't even hate the weather so it's not that. I literally have not made the effort because there is no reason why I shouldn't love this incredible city. The rest of Australia adore it! It is like everyone's sweetheart. As far as music, art, food, fashion and architecture go, Melbourne is the one.
Lately, I have been watching a lot of Woody Allen flicks and I have been inspired by the weird little twerp. No, I don't want to move to New York...I'm not that predictable. What I do want to do though, is have a love affair with my city just like he does. So today, instead of using my car or getting the tram back from the city I decided to walk. There was method to my madness because I had a brownie for breakfast and I could do with the exercise.
Now that everyone has an iPhone and instagram everyone is also a photographer...including myself. And I will be using these tools to document this burgeoning love affair. I urge you to try and find the silver linings in your own city if you can't travel. Trust me, they're everywhere! You just have to pay attention.
- It's ok to love social media. There is no point in berating yourself over using it because you are now part of something that is just modern life. It is how we communicate and consume information, it has even replaced the television for a lot of us which, in my opinion, is a wonderful thing. The TV is something where you just sit in silence as something barks at you, social media calls for dialogue.
- You need to control how you use social media or it will use you. Your tweets and instagram photos allow people into your views on the world and everything in it. Your facebook feed is practically an archive to your life. You need to decide what your boundaries and standards are and endeavour not to cross them otherwise, someone else will set them for you and that is when you begin to hate the world wide web.
- Smart phones have made us all reachable wherever we are at whatever time of day, this is true. But only if we have it with us. Sometimes it is better to leave your phone in the other room, in your handbag or even better, switched off. You decide when people get to reach you...this will help with your love/hate relationship with modern communication.
- Sometimes it is better to fuck and other times it is better to make love. Yes I said 'make love' - it's not corny, it's tasteful.
- Listen to this
- Salt, pepper and lemon juice can turn fine tasting food into great tasting food. Think about how small these things are and how easy they are to come by. Life is full of small things that can make your days taste better.
- Every woman should own something gorgeous to sleep in.
- Every woman should own at least one dress that makes her feel like Diana Ross in the seventies.
- Every woman should experience an abnormally large penis at least once in her life.
- Every woman should know how to roast a chicken, change a lightbulb, know what is going on under the bonnet of her car, give a decent blow job, take a trip by herself and walk in high heels.
- If you discover that someone has defriended you on facebook (yes, defriended) distract yourself from adding them as a friend again by looking for your dignity in the toilet.
- If you are ordering pasta then you don't need the garlic bread.
- If your pet has a facebook/twitter account then you are giving the impression that you are either unemployed, not getting laid or mentally unstable (yes people do this). I realise that none of these things may be the case but we are talking about how you are perceived here and the internet is all about perception. Delete that shit.
- If you style your hair whilst naked using hot styling tools then you are basically begging life to fuck with you.
- Oven roasted but unsalted almonds are delicious and will do wonders for your complexion. I used to hate almonds too! Try them again and see if you have changed your mind.
- A real man will go down on you
- If you are feeling uninspired you probably need to leave your cave for a bit. Most normal people don't have the money to just drop everything and go on a trip willy nilly, let alone the time you need off work. Therefore, I suggest you explore the city you live in. Do the things you have always 'been meaning to do'.
- If you are finding your ex in the word sex then quit it immediately unless you love drama and head fuckery.
- Wearing make-up will definitely make your life better. It sure as hell won't make it worse!
- Your Converse should always be slightly fucked up. They are meant to look like that! These are the shoes that carry you through life! Walk through puddles! Wear them to gigs and festivals! Paint the house in them! Let them tell your story! Clean chucks are for chumps.
The end of summer has dawned upon us over here in the Southern Hemisphere and whilst the weather Gods reckon it ended on the 28th February, the actual Gods have turned up the volume on the sun and I sit here on March 10th looking out of my window at the glorious blue sky and waiting for my bikini to dry from the rinse after yesterdays swim in the sea so that I may wear it again today for another baptism.
Yes, I said baptism as this is what it feels like. After going swimming in something that is larger than life, larger than comprehension, so insatiable and uncontrollable as the ocean you feel renewed and cleansed from the inside out.
Not to get all religious about it, but I'm going to quote the Bible. Actually, I don't think it gets more religious than that but there you go. This is a verse from the book of Romans and is as popular at church baptisms as the funky chicken is at weddings and it goes like this:
Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.
I often ponder whether the ocean was gifted to us as a tool to obtain clarity and focus. From the moment we are conceived, the moment daddy's tadpole hits mummy's egg (ew) we live in water for 9 months. It is our first natural state. We are then born perfect. Free of insecurity, of fear, of corrupt thoughts and opinion as we take our first breath of air.
And then, like a fish out of water, we are immediately vulnerable to the ways of this world. Our parents, our teachers, our friends, our siblings, the creepy man next door, a selfish boss, the masses who love shit music, the people who break our heart, our best friends, our enemies, the colleagues who we spend more time with than our own families, the way we lost our virginity or the way we found out that Santa wasn't real (same thing)..all these people, all these things and experiences begin to mould and shape our mind. They distract us from the very core of who we really are and how we really think. We have the power to influence therefore we are easily influenced. We become a link in the pattern of this world and they way we think is not really the way we think...if you know what I mean.
The ocean, the huge majestic and unfathomably bottomless body of undrinkable water will help to wash away excess thoughts leaving you with only the ones you know to be true. An angry sea with relentless waves is best for a relentless mind. Calm waters are good for contemplation and an evening swim with a sunset is the best setting for reflection. But whatever condition your waters are in, they will all make you feel vulnerable again as well as the best feeling of all...insignificant.
It is that feeling of insignificance that will enable you to see the bigger picture in whatever situation you have found yourself in. It reminds us how big the world is and how small we are in it. It helps to wash away hurtful thoughts and intentions towards yourself and others and if your mind and eyes are open wide enough, you will discover that the answer to everything lies inside of you and has yet to be corrupted and with the result, the world becomes a more enticing place to be and that, my dear readers, is what being grateful is all about.