FOR BOYS ONLY
WE DO NOT WAKE UP LOOKING LIKE THIS.
I feel like you have this notion that Scarlett Johansson and Katie Perry wake up looking like they have no pores, have zero body hair and don't indulge in the wonderment that is control underwear...WELL YOU'RE WRONG. They do. And they do it hard. Honey, you lot actually have no idea of how much of this shit is smoke and mirrors hey. Don't get me wrong, to build a fancy house you need a solid foundation. All I'm saying, is that you need to keep your expectations in check OK?
EMOTICONS.
I've told you once and I'll tell you again, if you over use smiley faces then I am here to tell you that you're gay.
WE READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
It's just what we do. I know I know, it ruins everything. But fuck man, we just can't help it. That's why you have to be straight with us. I know you would rather circumcise yourself with a flick knife than hurt a girls feelings which ends up making you feel like the bad guy, but it's in her best interest. She will see it that way eventually.
AND ON THE OTHER HAND...
If you get that she may be into you and you may be feeling somewhat similar, throw her a God damn bone. She reads between the lines, not crystal balls.
I AM ACTUALLY RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO SAY.
I think my work here is done.
FOR BOYS ONLY
WE KNOW YOU LIKE US TO GAG...
But if you jam it in, dun be surprised if you get teeth is all I'm saying.
STOP SHAVING YOUR BALLS, ARMS AND LEGS.
Just because you have a bike does not make you a cyclist. Who the Hell do you think you are anyway? Peter Andre? It's not even the smoothness that puts us off...OK it kinda is, smooth balls look a bit like one of those hairless cats...it's more that you are prickly to touch and also, the very THOUGHT of you sitting/standing in the shower with your leg up and a shaver is not ideal.
WHEN SHE ASKS IF SHE LOOKS FAT DO NOT EVEN HESITATE FOR 1 SECOND BEFORE YOU SAY NO.
Actually, maybe a tiny half second pause is OK, else she will think you are lying and just trying to tell her what she wants to know. Oh God, you can't actually win here. Sorry.
GET JEALOUS SOMETIMES!
It's totally cool. We LOVE it! But not like psycho "you're not going out in that short skirt" jealous, more like, 'hey that guy was flirting with you and you seemed to be flirting back?' Then she will get a bit sheepish which is great, but then don't get all sulky and moody, take her home and fuck her God damn brains out.
STOP BEING SO PRECIOUS WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD.
Try it! Ok maybe you had it when you were 9 or something and you hated it but what, you're like 26 now? Your tastes have changed! Go on, give it a go...I might be your new favourite thing ever! Went out with this guy the other night and he hates pesto...like what the actual fuck? If it's olives or cucumber though I will understand.
YOU KNOW WHO IS TO BLAME FOR MAKING 'SLUT' A DIRTY WORD? WOMEN. THAT'S WHO.
Girls call each other this WAY more than men. If we get a bit jelly when another female looks good in a tight dress? Slut. Our BF thinks some chick who just walked past is hot? Slut. The Kardashians? Sluts. (no really...they are) - seriously ladies, chill out on the 's' word. Even if home girl's vagina is like a 24 hour drive through LIVE AND LET LIVE! So what? She's not hurting anybody (unless her gentleman suitors are married) plus, she is just living the life of equality that our grandmothers and great grandmothers have been fighting for! Although to be fair, I doubt they were burning their bras and chanting 'We will fuck anything with a pulse and will not be judged!' - but you get the picture.
YOU ARE NOT AS FAT AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.
Except for you girls with the back fat who insist on wearing fucking halters. Look honey, it's all about dressing fr your figure. It's the glass half full theory (probs 'cause you drank the other half if it was a milkshake or something) stop tryna hide the shit parts...focus on flaunting the good ones. Instead of focusing on ignoring your enemies, put effort into your good relationships. Praise the good and the bad just melts away. Unless you are actually fat...and if you're actually fat, then you know you are. Stop moping. Quit eating bread and sugar and take the stairs. It literally takes about 10 seconds to indulge in a lifestyle change. But yeah, eat those donuts...they've worked so well for you this far.
GO SAY HELLO.
See someone you like? Go over and say hi. Offer to bye them a drink. Give a coy smile. BUT BEWARE OF GIRLFRIENDS! I'm telling ya, you just never know these days. Just get out of your comfort zone and stop watching/reading 'He's Just Not That Into You'. Rejection is a cunt I KNOW but fuck, you don't not go swimming in the ocean because of sharks do you? What? You do?! Jesus...live a little will ya!
DURING YOUR PERIOD YOU PROBABLY SMELL A LITTLE 'OFF'.
Hygiene bitches. Shower morning and night and use that FemFresh stuff if shits real. Man I know it sucks I KNOW but you have to pay a little more attention. Most of us are such bitches during Flow Season, you don't want to be a smelly one on top of that.
PUT FOOD IN A BLENDER WITH NO LIQUID AND SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES TO BLEND.
Same thing happens in your gut. Moral of the story? Drink water.
GET OUT THE HOUSE.
Staying in and refreshing your facebook page (I see you) ain't gonna make you feel motivated, less likely to procrastinate or make you a better person. Instead cabin fever will make you feel isolated, cause you to over think and honey, you can only masturbate so much until you become a wanker.
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ISN'T TALKING TO YOU, DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU.
They just need space and time out. A little holiday if you will. You know how like when you get sick of hearing a song? Then you don't hear it for ages and suddenly it comes on the radio and you're like, 'I fucking love that song!' Yeah that feeling.
START CHRISTMAS SHOPPING NOW.
I mean it. Because your $$$ are about to be hit hard. Besides the whole present thing, there are all the parties that are about to start cropping up. Plus when you leave shit till late you end up buying dumb stuff out of panic and because you were clueless. I know I know, Christmas has lost its meaning blah blah blah but hey, it still means you have to give a little something to the ones you love. Keep it small and meaningful. Are any of you buying me anything? You should considering how much love I pour into these posts! Well, sometimes more than others BUT STILL...
DO NOT SEND NUDES.
Just don't. Yeah there is the whole 'make sure your heads not in' or making sure your tattoo's aren't showing...whatever. Just don't do it. Even if you are sending them to someone you completely trust, remember that you are only trusting them AT THAT PRESENT TIME and more than likely you probably won't down the track. Please trust Aunty Owl on this one and keep your clothes on. *Covering your areola with owl stickers doesn't count fyi
IF IT'S NOT WORKING...
It's because the other person doesn't feel the same way that you do. End of story.
IT'S SUMMER IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE!
Swimsuit season girls! Carrots are the new chocolate bars...get chomping.
NOBODY HAS SET THE SAME STANDARDS FOR YOU THAT YOU HAVE SET FOR YOURSELF IN YOUR HEAD.
Seriously hey...the reasons why you think people like you or are your friend are usually the total opposite of the truth. If someone is trying to be your friend, let them. Who even cares if they have ulterior motives?! It's not like you're a squillionaire or something....or are you? Do you want to be my friend? I want a pony.
FIRST COMES RESPECT THEN COMES INTEGRITY THEN COMES MONEY THEN COMES LOVE.
Love is as frivilous as this blog you read. Don't base anything on love and don't ever count on it. Love is a selfish emotion and makes people do crazy things. Just respect people and let them follow their paths and you follow yours.
CRY.
But only in the privacy of your own shower/bath tub and let it all out baby.
IF YOU THINK HE/SHE IS NOT INTO IT/YOU - THEY PROBABLY AREN'T.
And you can't make them. Yeah it sucks but fuck, its the least of your worries. Trust me.
STOP LOOKING FOR COMPLIMENTS!
You are making people resent giving them to you which makes you try harder which makes them hold back faster and so you end up in the vicious cycle and feeling sorry for yourself. Eurgh, the 'victim' look is so not sexy ESPECIALLY on men. Cringe O Rama.
SEX DOES NOT = LOVE.
It never did. Anyone who told you it did probably believes in fairies and their favourite movie is a Disney one even though they are in their thirties. I'm not even being cynical or jaded here, I speak the truth! IF you are gonna get nude and hop in the sack with someone you think you have feelings for, please turn your attention to an older post about 'expectations'.
YES IT'S FATTENING.
Don't eat it fatty.
FOR BOYS ONLY
THE SEXIEST THING IN A MAN IS HUMILTY WITH A PINCH OF ARROGANCE.
Words are whispers and actions are sirens. It's why Beyonce is having Jay's baby and not Kanye's.
LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH.
I know it's hard to keep your eyes in your head sometimes, and that's fine. Just make sure your dick stays where it is.
WE HATE FEDORA'S.
But if you must, avoid the 'tilt'.
IF YOU CAN'T TAN, ACCEPT IT.
A man that 'buys' a tan is no man at all.
IT IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS IF SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH YOU.
It always starts out as fun and games. But if you're half decent and you have a good time, she may start to care. Go easy on her, she's not a robot.
WE LIKE IT ROUGH.
But then bring it home with some tenderness yeah?
It was The Beatles who said 'all you need is love'. They lied.
SO YOU'RE IN LOVE, NOW WHAT?
Nothing. That's what. Just because you realize you love someone doesn't mean you can start expecting things from them. They never asked for the affection or attention and now here you are professing some kind of irrational feeling and expecting them to take responsibility for the load. Hey, I get it. You need to tell them...just in case they feel the same. But the thing is, this is no soppy Jennifer Aniston movie...you always know if they do or they don't so your 'risk' is a 1 in a million gamble and you know it. People tell other people they are in love with them for 2 reasons: 1) They know the other feels the same or 2) They're an idiot. Saying that, there are some exceptions to the rules.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S LOVE?
Yeah...how do you? I mean, just because you're thinking about them all the time dun mean you love them. What do these thoughts consist of exactly? Are you fantasizing about fucking? That's lust babe. Are you imagining what your kids might look like? That's obsession. Do you want them to be happy no matter where you are left in the picture? That could be love.
WHAT IF THEY DON'T LOVE YOU BACK?
You'll live.
HOW MANY TIMES CAN ONE BE IN LOVE?
How long is Kanye West's ego trip gonna go on for? Who knows! I reckon just love everyone and decide who you're NOT gonna love instead of the other way round. Maybe.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE LOVED.
Some people are cunts. We know this. But most aren't ya know? Just 'cause you burnt yourself on the stove that one time doesn't stop you from cooking burgers now does it? Allow people in, be free and open to meet someone new, lose your 'type' - it's bullshit. Strip away the baggage we pick up through our travels and you might find yourself a shiny new human.
AT THE END OF THE DAY...
We're gonna break hearts and have our hearts broken. We're gonna swear off love and we're gonna celebrate it. We are going to love the wrong people and we are going to make bad decisions based on feeling.
Does any of this make sense? No? Fitting really.
SPEND THAT LITTLE EXTRA - I know there is a saying that goes 'Look after the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves' or some shit, but hey there are some things that are worth splashing on. Save 400 bucks on a long haul flight which turns a 21 hour journey into 43 hours. Yeah man, totally worth it! Not. Other things that are not worth the scrimp: baked beans (Heinz only thanks), shampoo and conditioner, underwear and toilet paper. You get what you pay for!
IF HE WANTS YOU, HE'LL FIND YOU. - Especially if he knows you are keen, and believe me...they know.
DON'T SIGN OFF YOUR EMAIL WITH 'THANKS YA'LL' - It's fucking lame. As my friend Alex would say, 'On the scale of 1 to lame this is lame'
IF YOU ARE ON A BUDGET GO TO GALLERY OPENINGS AND ART SHOWS - Those fuckers aren't shy with the wine and cheese buffet let me tell you!
NEVER TRUST A MAN WHO DRIVES A NON PRIMARY COLOUR CAR - Nothing says 'I'm a dickhead' like a bright and shiny purple/lime green or orange vehicle with a huge exhaust pipe. You know what they say....big exhaust, little penis.
DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANYONE THAT HAS EVER GOTTEN BACK WITH AN EX AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER? - Serious question.
FOR BOYS ONLY
AS THE PHILOSOPHER JANET JACKSON ONCE SAID, 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL IT'S GONE' - In a relationship? You love her? She can cook, great in bed, holds your head when you're sad and laughs at all your lame ass jokes? However you can't help but wonder if maybe there might be someone better? Guess what sunshine, there ain't.
MINI LESSON ON WHAT'S A CLIT KILLER: Getting involved in girl beef (not curtains, just general daily gossip and stupid shit). Over using emoticons. A filthy bedroom. Dirty fingernails. Over using social media with blatant contrived statements you thought of earlier that day and have been waiting for the perfect moment to unleash it on your followers. No job and no desire to even get a job. Homophobia. Lying on your back with your hands behind your head whilst gesturing at your hard dick with your eyes and saying, 'Go mad'.
'BED SHEETS' HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE THINGS THAT GIRLS LOOK AT - I know what you think I'm gonna say...'no Power Ranger or Ninja Turtle sheets' - you did think that hey? NO. That's fine. Although, they seldom make those kids covers for anything bigger than a single bed so....what the fuck dude? We look at CLEANLINESS and how threadbare the bloody duvets are. Also for girls underwear, used tissues under the pillow and those tell tale white marks. Sort it out love.
WHY MUST YOU INSIST ON HEAD GAMES? - Yeah I know chicks do it too, but you guys are WAY worse. I truly believe it's because you are so scared of confrontation that you would rather us read your actions or between the lines of you not texting/calling/skyping back so we ironically 'get the message'. Grow some yeah?
MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM MARS ALSO - You guys apply logic towards emotion which makes you come across as insensitive. Women apply emotion to logic which makes them come across dramatic. We don't know why we all do the things we do and life is all about figuring that out in my opinion. But in the meantime, let's just get naked and laugh about it.
SENDING NUDES - Sure do it. But leave your head out and avoid any tattoo's. Also, if you send them to a bonehead expect said bonehead to let shit 'leak'. You can't get angry with him though, it's not his fault that he is a bonehead. Or just post them yourself on tumblr before he can OR just keep your clothes on.
SOMETIMES NOT HAVING THE LAST WORD IN A TEXT MESSAGE IS THE LAST WORD - Actually it's every time.
WHEN YOU ASK A BOY WHERE HE LIVES AND THE SENTENCE ENDS IN 'AT THE MOMENT'... - ... homeboy is DEFS still living with his parents.
HATING ON OTHER BITCHES IS SO NINETIES - We live in a time where girls are actually beginning to find some self confidence and love themselves. Eurgh, who actually gives a shit if you have always styled yourself on Beyonce and Mary Kate Kardashian and now your best friend does the same? You're young and beautiful go be FREE and be less of a bitch. OK?
THE SKIN UNDER YOUR EYES IS MEGA THIN - Don't rub them! What the fuck are you doing?! Look after your face you idiot.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU LIKE SOMEONE? - You are always annoyed with them. Chill out! They never asked you to put them on that pedestal. FRANKIE SAYS RELAX!
