Yesterday I went to the place where the treadmills are and where music goes to die, the gym. Yes I am one of those plebs that jogs and watches music clips well, because where else do you watch them besides youtube these days? And also, watching MasterChef whilst working out is just too much irony, even for me. Fuck knows what has happened to MTV these days and as for mainstream music...I'm sorry, there are no words. I'm no musical snob, I'd like to think I have my fingers in a few musical pies and can appreciate most of it but it's like every eurotrash genius with a turntable and a v-neck t-shirt has a number one hit these days. Oh my God have you seen the new Nicki Minaj vid? The one where she has neon green hair and she is in New Zealand of all God damn places? I. cannot. cope.
Anyway, morons making music for morons aside, the new Madonna vid flashed as I hit 40 minutes on a small incline at 358 calories...lets just say I ran a little faster. Say what you like about the sinewy arms of this eighties queen but homegirl is 53. Fifty fucking three. Don't front, she looks good. Now that we got that out in the open, let's talk about this track 'GIRLS GONE WILD'. Good grief. Looks to me like missy here is tryna relive her youth and not only that, this vid screams 'Hey GaGa THIS is how it's done'. I can't help but feel like we've seen it all before. The lady boys in stilettos, the religious references (yawn), the suggestive dance moves, bondage, not to mention the eating of the apple - like I said, religious references. Madge, what the fuck are you doing? The Vatican condemned 'Like a Prayer' back in 1989 and you lost your Pepsi deal because of protests. We know Lady G copies you! Don't you READ tumblr? Now it's like you're copying her! I'm confused! Nobody even cares about all this 'shocking' shit any more. I mean the song is catchy enough, you know, it's a decent pop song. But 'Girls Gone Wild'? Really? Thought you'd dust off the 'ol PVC catsuits and get your 53 year old crotch out hey? Or are you trying to lure all your gay fans back from the cult GaGa? It's becoming a chicken and the egg situation. Like this Lady - Monkey See Monkey Do - GaGa video for instance...
Jesus. Even the old mates in Rome must be like, 'Not this again!'. To hit Christians in 2012 is like holding a midget by the forehead and asking him to try and kick you. How about wearing a PVC burka? Yeah try that on for size and see where it gets you. Or what about dry humping a camel in Saudi Arabia in your flesh tone knickers hmm? Plus Madonna, aren't you like Jewish or something these days? Come on ladies, think outside of the box! We have a black US president now and we've had an Oscar winning movie about gay cowboys and also the other day I er, 'stumbled' across a website selling black rubber dildos in the shape of the Virgin Mary and a Crucifix. Yeah. How do you like them apples? So the two of you can take your tired, always naked asses back to your 'creative teams' and tell them to try harder.
But for old times sake, let's leave on 'Like A Prayer'. Ah 1989...back when it was cool to piss off Christians and insinuating Jesus might be black got you banned from mainstream television. Them's were the days eh?