EXERCISE.
I thought everyone was talking shit. Turns out they weren't. There is not enough time to over think and feed paranoia when you are going ham on the cross trainer. I recommend joining a gym, they actually aren't THAT excy hey. I mean, you are probs gonna give up things like loads of booze and shit food so it balances. It's not even really about losing weight, I feel like that's a bonus, it's really about clearing the head. Invest in cute workout gear, it's a total motivation to get your ass moving. There is nothing I can say to convince you really, you just got to do it. Admittedly, I am in the honeymoon phase of working out, I'll let you know how I'm tracking in a month.
DELETING AND BLOCKING.
Do it. Get rid. Move on. Knocking on a wall dun turn it into a door as Coco Chanel or someone French once said. It probably sounded cooler in French to be fair. As do most things.
WAKING UP EARLY AND EATING BREAKFAST.
You totally feel more in control of your day. There is also something really peaceful about mornings. ALTHOUGH the sound of my alarm does not softly nudge me into action, it's more of a sudden jolt of panic. So I'm not really sure how good this advice is, but still. Waking up early and not rushing in the morning lowers stress levels for sure.
SEE A FILM. LISTEN TO MUSIC. GO TO A GALLERY.
Get some culture in your fucking life for God's sake. Be inspired. Take it all in. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
DON'T TALK ABOUT PEOPLE.
Unless the gossip is hilarious. Then by all means. No but srsly, stay away from drama. The saying, 'Drama just follows me' is a pile of wank. You lure it with your seductive ways. Stop it.
DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT INDULGING.
Guilt and jealousy are emotions that are about as useful as a chocolate teapot. They do nobody any good. Go buy those sneakers you've been salivating over for months, have a piece of cake, sleep in, take holiday, go for a massage, have sex all day. But remember, everything in moderation....except the sex part.
WRITE.
Even if it's just a sentence before you go to bed. Even if you just list everything you ate that day. Even if it's just a letter to someone who pissed you off that you will never send. Every day write something down. You'll be amazed at the messages your sub concious wants to convey. Everyone can talk and everyone can write. Write down words as they come into your head and turn them into sentences. It doesn't even have to make sense as you are the only one who will ever read it. Just get it all out. WRITE IT DOWN.
CHEER UP BUTTERCUP.
Smile. It's not so bad. Except sometimes it is that bad and you can't help that. But after the rain the sun must come...and it always will.
It's the 2nd month of 2012 and I feel only now are we able to implement our resolutions for real because lez be honest, we have still all been drunk as fuck up until now and I had 4 Tim Tam's today and I'm necking on red wine as we digitally speak. SO THIS MONTH I THINK WE SHOULD ALL...
TAKE OUR MONEY MORE SRSLY.
Put some aside every single pay. Maybe even have a jar where you empty your change every night OR you can collect $2 coins...or if not dollars then in any currency in which you barter. Saving does not equal boring though I'll have you know, it means taking control of your clams and making shit work for you. Get on top of your shit yo!
VROOM VROOM!
Those that own a vehicle and a vagina TAKE NOTE! Did you know your insurance and your registration and your license EXPIRES??!!? You did? Well fuck you. Yes for those who have a life, they expire. And with expiration comes anxiety so take control and don't let the bastards pull you over and ask for all your monies! The thing that gets you from A to B should be treated with respect. Yes yes, I can hear all you bike riders already, well then next time you need a lift to the airport, I'll drive slowly next to you as you go up hill and pass you Lucozade.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Catch them. They're good for you and make you not want to kill yourself on a whim.
AND ON THAT NOTE...
Wake up early and get to work on time. Your boss will give you a gold star next to your name plus you will feel smug AND it cuts down on our old friend ANXIETY. I'm telling ya, there is something to be said about being on the straight and narrow.
EAT YO GREENS.
Eat right. Avoid the scurvy...and in rare cases, gout (in joke, sozz). Like today for instance, I ate 5 handfuls of jelly beans, 4 biscuits and a burger and fries for lunch. SO GROSS. I feel fat, out of control and yucky. Not because I'm saying you should cut out the fun, but it's more because I had a burger last night for dinner and beer and I'm on antibiotics EEK. When I eat better, I feel better...ya know?
CHEER UP BUTTERCUP.
The world is full of cunts. It always has and it always will be and there is nun you can do to change that. You can change you attitude and approach though and that will relieve the stress and irritation you feel when you come across a winner. Be patient with the faults of other, they have to be patient with yours after all.
FOR BOYS ONLY
WEAR SUITS, BUT DON'T BE ALL 'I WEAR SUITS' ABOUT IT.
I dunno why, but when men enjoy a good suit they like to scream about it. Suit wearing should be effortless...in my opinion, but then, who else's opinion are you after if you're reading this innit? Once I met this guy at a bar and he was wearing a suit...not in a wanky 'I'm here for after work drinks' way but in a, 'this is what I put on to come out' way. He looked nice, but before I could tell him he did, I'm not sure if he thought I had something in common with Stevie Wonder or something but he said, 'So, have you noticed I'm wearing a suit?' What the fuck hey
INSIDE OUR BODIES THERE IS A SOUL, AND SOME OF US HAVE A PERSONALITY.
So don't just use us as a service station to empty your balls thanks. Even if it is a one night thing, make a woman feel sexual and desired and put your fucking back into it. I know some of you have cock issues i.e. not big enough, goes soft on you, you arrive early to the party etc and that then causes you to rush in quicker than R Kelly on prom night because you're nervous, but seriously girls talk. And lemme tell you, two thirds of you lot need to step your game up. Hey I know that there are ladies who enjoy a game of planking in the sack but I will take that up with them.
HEAD GAMES.
Before you go ahead and label a girl with the ever so original term 'psycho', just take a little step back, make yourself a coffee and consider your part in it all. Some of you are pretty easy to fall for, despite your head olympics and your cock issues.
WE SERIOUSLY DON'T EXPECT *THAT* MUCH FROM YOU HEY
The standards you set for yourself are way taller than those that we set for you. OK, we like you to smell nice, be nice and dress nice along with being attentive yet assertive, not money hungry but ambitious, sensitive but not a pussy and aggressive yet gentle during love making (yes love making). OK...maybe we DO expect a lot. Don't be such a pussy about it.
TRY TO FIND HAPPINESS BEFORE SUCCESS
One would think that with one comes the other, but this is just not so. Also, take some responsibility for your misery but don't hate on yourself...IT IS WHAT IT IS - God that saying is annoying.
BOOK A DENTIST APPOINTMENT - Once a year is enough. Yeah I know it's expensive but private health is surprisingly affordable so sort it out. Getting old is hard on the body so preserve what you can and look after the teeth in your head!
SAVE - Even if it's twenty bucks a week...and don't touch it. You know whats worse than having cavity's in your teeth? Not being able to afford to pay to get them fixed. Be prepared for rainy days Owlies. If life was that much of a smooth sail then these advice posts wouldn't be so fucking popular INNIT.
DON'T PUT UP WITH A SHIT BOSS. - Guess what? If you are lucky enough to live in the first world then you don't have to put up with a boss that takes the piss. That said, you can't be a slacker either...reap what you sow and all that jazz. You spend 80% of your life at work, you should not hate it. Be strategic about it, write down what you love then write down what you hate. Look at the things that you hate and objectively think about what you could do to change it. If it all falls down to 'your boss is an asshole' well then. You've gotta put your decision cap on don't you babe?
THE ONLY TIME YOUR WEE SHOULD BE BRIGHT YELLOW IS WHEN IT'S THE FIRST ONE OF THE DAY. - Drink more water.
STOP GOING ON ABOUT WHAT YOU 'DON'T' DO/HAVE/BELIEVE IN. - Great, you don't have facebook or twitter. Woopee doo for you. Great, you don't even OWN a television. Awesome. Happy for you. What? Really? You don't believe in God?! What an alternative thought. *sigh*
SPEND THAT LITTLE EXTRA - I know there is a saying that goes 'Look after the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves' or some shit, but hey there are some things that are worth splashing on. Save 400 bucks on a long haul flight which turns a 21 hour journey into 43 hours. Yeah man, totally worth it! Not. Other things that are not worth the scrimp: baked beans (Heinz only thanks), shampoo and conditioner, underwear and toilet paper. You get what you pay for!
IF HE WANTS YOU, HE'LL FIND YOU. - Especially if he knows you are keen, and believe me...they know.
DON'T SIGN OFF YOUR EMAIL WITH 'THANKS YA'LL' - It's fucking lame. As my friend Alex would say, 'On the scale of 1 to lame this is lame'
IF YOU ARE ON A BUDGET GO TO GALLERY OPENINGS AND ART SHOWS - Those fuckers aren't shy with the wine and cheese buffet let me tell you!
NEVER TRUST A MAN WHO DRIVES A NON PRIMARY COLOUR CAR - Nothing says 'I'm a dickhead' like a bright and shiny purple/lime green or orange vehicle with a huge exhaust pipe. You know what they say....big exhaust, little penis.
DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANYONE THAT HAS EVER GOTTEN BACK WITH AN EX AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER? - Serious question.
EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!
This is a sure fire way in making sure that you hate yourself. You may even consider sticking your finger down your throat after you have inhaled the family size instant mac and cheese followed by 2 mars bars and it's probably not a bad idea. I mean, vomiting and over eating whilst crying is the ideal way to make yourself feel better when you're going through a fuck show.
TEXT/MESSAGE/FB/TWEET THE DUDE THAT HAS ONLY EVER MADE YOU AN OPTION.
It will be even WORSE if he doesn't reply. Here you go, why don't you just take this knife and make a few wounds on your arm and then I'll just pour all this salt in them?
YOU SHOULD GOSSIP AND TALK SHIT ABOUT EVERYONE.
I mean, when you are feeling lonely and a bit down, the best thing to do is to start alienating and stabbing all your friends in the back. You will feel like such a champion for doing it so why not take it a step further and flirt with their boyfriends?
YOU SHOULD HAVE LOADS OF MEANINGLESS, UNPROTECTED SEX WITH BONEHEADS.
It just does wonders for the soul and self esteem. Nothing quite says 'I love myself' like getting naked with someone that probably can't remember your name and convinces you that using a condom is a silly idea. Why not take some naked photos of yourself with your head in smiling and waving and send it to his phone AND email just in case he didn't get it?
SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON JUNK AND/OR BOOZE AND DRUGS.
Because the anxiety of not being able to pay rent and your phone bill and the impending sense of doom one gets when they are having financial problems will far out weigh any troubles that are going on in your world innit?
DON'T CLEAN THE HOUSE OR DO ANY LAUNDRY FOR AGES.
It's great to just sit in squalor and look shit as well as feel shit. You want to be authentically shit inside and out hey? It's awesome when you open the fridge and it smells like somebody's cat died in there, you just feel like you are in complete control of your life. All good, nothing to see here!
18/05/2011
Old sayings that fry my bacon.
NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER .
Oh rly? What if it looks boring as hell and is all dirty and shit? Why would I pick it up? Do you go for a magazine that has someone you can't tolerate on the cover? I don't think you do!! The way we dress sends a message about the kind of person we are. Shallow you say? Oh boo fucking hoo. Sure, there are exceptions but unfortunately, we are visual beings. How many times do video clips make you fall in love with a song for instance? No one is expecting you to be the coolest kid on the block, but take a bit of pride in what you look like. A pie intact is way more appealing than a dropped one. Get me?
NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK.
Um, there is actually a lot of use thanks. What if you are having a shit day and that bit of milk was all you had going for you? It's like saying you can't cry over someone who died. It's called mourning! Yes yes we shouldn't worry about what happened in the past. Whats done is done and all that but fuck man, we are entitled to be pissed when things don't go the way we expect them to. Leave us be with our tears for a second!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, TALKS LIKE A DUCK AND LOOKS LIKE A DUCK ITS A DUCK.
Yes thanks for that.
A CHANGE IS AS GOOD AS A HOLIDAY.
I'd prefer laying on my front in a hammock, sipping on a coconut cocktail with someone named Guido in a little shorts gives me a back rub over changing jobs any day!
KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER.
Now why in Gods name would I want to do that huh? 'Oh hey dude, I know you hate me and stuff and say wack shit to me but you know what? I'm gonna keep you in my fold in case you decide to ruin my life at some point' SCREW THAT! Get the asshole out of you life! Sure, keep a beady eye on them like on FB or something, but bloody hell, cut dem ties!.
MONEY DON'T BUY YOU HAPPINESS.
The only people who say this are those who don't have it (me) and are trying to appease themselves. Money is more powerful than love mate. Two people in love living in the gutter? Yeah don't think so.
If you cant cook don't tell someone their food
needs salt.
(that should be my new bi line)
FOR BOYS ONLY
FAIL PROOF STEEZE - Not enough of you wear well fitted jeans with plain CLEAN white t shirts. Too many of you are still wearing boxers with cartoons on them. Girls like you to be simple, fresh and clean. Some girls like those dirty ones who haven't showered in about a week and look like they were on a heroin binge instead. Each to their own I s'pose, but I know my kind of girl, and my kind of girl ain't rollin with none of that.
DON'T BE LAZY - We do not see it as a privilege to give you a blow job for 20 minutes until our jaw feels like it does after you have been in the dentist chair for half an hour. The moaning, the eye watering, the watching of the teeth, the remembering to not forget your balls, the pretending like we love it...we do this for YOU. Then when you ask us 'if we want to sit on it' like you are doing us a favor while all the while you just get to lay there and we have to be some kind of pole dancer on a fleshy pole, it isn't really doing THAT much for us. You just look like a starfish with a hard on.
DON'T SQUEEZE SO HARD - We'll squeeze your balls as hard as you squeeze our tits. Deal?
'LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU ARE FREE TO CATCH UP' - If you are into a girl, then this is the line of a pussy. Eurgh, just be a fucking man. Set a date. Be keen but not pushy. Be assertive but not bossy. Pull our hair but do it tenderly. Read between the lines but don't be presumptuous. We don't ask for much do we?
WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO DRIVE AND AMBITION- Ever wondered why Donald Trump is macking out with a hot piece of ass on the reg? Don't even get me started on Hugh Hefner! Money you say? Sure it helps to be laying on 5000 count Egyptian cotton when his old ass is jack hammering you, but the cash is a bi product of the ultimate attraction...power. Jay Z did not nail Beyonce because of his rugged good looks 'cause homeboy ain't no oil painting, and Lord knows 'yonce don't need the money. Ms Knowles got excited in her knickers because he is a man of integrity, ambition and determination. Nice guys really do finish last, and not because you have no money, but because you suck on your bong all day watching South Park.
26/08/2010
Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: ’cause I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
The things I wish that someone told me ...
YOU KNOW THAT BOY YOU'RE CRYING OVER? THE ONE YOU THINK YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? - It's all bullshit. In ten no FIVE years from now you will either a) laugh at the fact you ever had a thing for him and/or b) you will have forgotten all about him. Don't cry baby girl, they only get worse as they get older. Sozz about the bad news.
YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE PLAN YOU HAVE? THE ONE WHERE YOU ARE GONNA GET MARRIED BY THE AGE OF 23? HAVE YOUR FIRST BABY BY THE TIME YOU TURN 26 ETC? - All bollocks. People in their 20's seem sooooooooo old when you're teenager. They ain't. One day you will wake up and it will be your 29th birthday and you would have done none of those things. Don't plan. Live!! party, meet people, have loads of sex (safely)...if marriage and brats happen during this? Awesome! If not? So fucking what! As John Lennon once said to me; 'Life happens when you're busy making other plans'
YOU ARE NOT FAT - I promise you will look at a photograph of yourself one day and yell out, 'Look how thin I was!' I swear on my life.
TRAVEL - I'm guessing if you are a reader of this blog, you would be shall we say a little wordly or open minded? Maybe you just like swear words I dunno, but I want you to clean your ears and litsen to Aunty Owl...sort out your passport, save your $$$, pick a country and hit it up. You have nothing to lose. Nothing.
SPEAKING OF MONEY - Say a massive 'fuck you' to debt. Don't get a credit card and don't get sucked in to owing people for stupid stuff you don't need. Except for studying. Thats different.
ON THE SUBJECT OF STUDYING - Alot of olds have plans for their offspring before they leave the bloody womb. Fathers want their sons to maybe continue the family business, some Mum's want their daughters to marry well and breed. With this kind of input, you can get your own future plans twisted and end up sucked into something you can't stand. Research!! FUCK, you guys have the internet these days man! Hit up people who are doing jobs you would be intersted in and ask questions...most would be happy to oblige beacuse they to know what it's like to be part of the fuck show that is being a teenager.
DRINKING AND DRUGS - blah blah blah in moderation blah blah blah. Nobody likes a junkie basically.
SEX IS NOT DIRTY - And it doesn't have to be with someone you love....thats just a bonus. But it DOES have to be with some you feel comfortable with and who doesn't make you doubt yourself. You don't even have to respect the other person, you just need to make sure you maintain the respect for yourself. And if homeboy doesn't call you after you've done the deed? Hey babe, it's happened to the best of us. Bee. Leave.
YOU KNOW THOSE BITCHES AT SCHOOL? - Fuck 'em. The effect they will have on your life is a big fat ZERO. Unless of course you let them. I swear to God you will look at photos of them on facebook one day and they will look older than your Mum. And if you are the bitch? Sort your shit out now please. We have enough arsehole adults in the world already thanks.
Stay in school kids x
