Love is a pretty selfish emotion when you think about it. Romantic love anyway. We only put it out there in the hope that it will be returned because as much as we all want 'to love' we all want to feel that love back. Man, what an unfair burden to put on another human! That is why people get animals...for that no brainer, unconditional reciprocated affection. You can count on the fact that at least once a day a living thing will be happy to see you.
I always thought owning a pet was a bit obnoxious (ha!) until the other day I picked up a puppy because I was hurting inside and it felt good. It was similar to that immediate relief you get when you burn your finger on the oven and stick it under a cold, running tap. Except you know you have to switch the tap off at some stage and walk away and the minute you do, the pain will be back. It's the kind of pain you can live with, but you'd rather not.
Do you think it's why humans are conditioned to want children? To create little, tiny versions of ourselves that we will love so unconditionally which in turn helps us to learn to love ourselves? Maybe.
The Beatles said 'All You Need is Love' but does it matter where you find it? The Bible tells us that we all have it within in the form of the Holy Spirit...I guess thats where it starts. 'Like attracts like' according to the laws of attraction. Happy people who like themselves usually attract other happy people. So if you love yourself then you will probably attract someone who will love you? That sounds a little unfair to be honest. Thats a bit like a millionaire winning the fucking lottery! What about all of us who don't love ourselves that much and need validation in someone else's affection? Hey? What about that?!
This is why God made cheese. And red wine. And $10 dresses that fit like they were made just for you. I love all those things.
- Listen to Ella Fitzgerald on sunny days with all the windows open while you clean your house
- Passive aggressive social media behaviour is for assholes
- Wear less accessories than you did 2 years ago
- If you don't have facebook/twitter/instagram/television then good for you! In fact, GREAT for you! But it's not some fucking right of passage to the cool club OK? You are not better than the rest of us sheep who are all over these platforms sure, you probably have more time on your hands and less cynical but don't make people feel shit for being part of something that is actually a pretty great thing if used wisely. Wait hold up...none of you dickheads will be reading this will you? Oh well...
- Look at your instagram photo roll...is every 2nd photograph a selfie? Even every third? Yeah...people are talking about you and how you love a selfie. Hey man! We all do them! But instagram is the new window to a persons soul in the way that we get to see the world through your eyes...so what you are telling us is that you only see yourself. *thumbs up emoji*
- It's spring! Plant something!
- Sushi is fast food and it is healthy! Get over your raw fish phobia because this isn't the fucking nineties. Sushi is like eating a toasted cheese sandwich nowadays.
- You're not a DJ.
- I hate to say it but Christmas is near. Plan now! Buy one gift for one person every fortnight then spend your December salary on cocktails and fun times. Yum, mince pies are in the stores did you see that?
- Hey Kardashians and Americans in general! It goes 'I couldn't care less' NOT 'I could care less' - the latter means you actually give a shit.
- If you do not have acne prone skin then do not purchase face wash for acne prone skin. It will dry the shit out of it. So you thought you had a spot here or there and thought you'd take a blow torch to it? Well good luck with that dry, papery complexion. You might not have acne but you now look like you have skurvy on your face.
- When the dentist tells you that you need a root canal and you tell him to just give you a filling then you will probably need a root canal approximately 14 months later anyway.
- The day you wash your car will be the day that it rains.
- Mayonnaise makes everything taste better. And so does butter. But if you indulge it means you will never have a flat tummy.
- Reading too far into things brings stress, insomnia and depression. Three great reasons to chill the fuck out.
- When you need a pick me up, change your desktop picture.
- Try tea with no sugar. You will hate it the first time and then not even notice it the second time. Also, it's a great way to avoid that root canal.
- Drink water. Imagine a blender. Now throw a bunch of food into it. Turn it on. Now add water and try. Now imagine thats your digestive system.
- Sometimes when you think you're not an animal person its because you had one bad experience with one asshole dog. Try again...you'll remember a time when you were fearless and they were all cute as a button and not out for blood.
- You always know what to do.
The boys at SB interviewed me last year and made it a feature in their latest edition. Please note: I no longer wear heart shaped sunglasses.
The weather was so nice this evening that I decided to take a solo stroll around Melbourne City. I went in and out a few stores and then sat on a bench on Bourke Street and watched the world go by for a bit. A homeless man asked the person next to me for change and he was refused. He skipped me for some reason and asked the two Asian girls to my right if they had any, to be honest I was insulted. After the girls refused him as well he swore at nobody in particular, stumbled and then walked off down the street but not before he stopped at the public drinking fountain on the sidewalk and elegantly took a sip of water being careful not to get it down himself and went on his way. How about that? Perfectly good drinking water in the middle of the city for everybody to use and its free! About 10 minutes after him a lady stepped toward the drinking fountain dressed in an expensive looking black suit, sky scraper heels and more make-up than Boy George and took a sip. I wondered if she would have done that if she knew who had used the same fountain only moments before her. Thats when I realised I was thinking like a South African. How wonderful is this country with its classless society and it's free, drinkable water on every corner? My mind went on a tangent then and I thought about how homeless are you really when you live in a great climate with free healthcare and education and free drinking water in the middle of the city? A country with active human rights is not to be scoffed at.
This train of thought took me back to 6 years ago when I was in a similar situation in Cape Town CBD. I was waiting for a bus outside the Golden Acre and watched how a homeless street kid who couldn't have been more that 11 years old walked up to the trash can in front of the bus shelter and pulled out a bag of half eaten fries and began to munch on them. I winced a little...surprisingly not because they came out of the trash but because I knew they would be cold. He didn't finish the bag but instead of just throwing it back in, he carefully placed them on the inner lip of the steel bin, crossed the street and disappeared around the corner. Weird, I thought. About 5 minutes later another kid walked up to the bin, peered in and reached for the fries. He had a couple of mouthfuls and he did exactly the same thing. Wow. These kids were purposely leaving them in such a way so that when the next person came looking for something to eat it would be ready for them. The attitude of 'we're all in this together' was evitable.
It really is those small acts of thoughtfulness and kindess that can turn your average day into a great day, restores ones faith in humanity or in extreme cases, stop someone from ending it all. Maybe you have to really be at your lowest eb to notice how much good there is. Like when you're on a budget and you can't go out for dinner all the time and become amazed at what you are able to produce yourself through limited means. The big moments in life are wonderful but I so often think about how selfless those moments really are. Like when you buy something huge for someone or cook them their favourite meal, it's also about you getting the credit and feeling good about yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hating on grand gestures I'm just making an observation.
When you think about things that have made a difference in your day they seem almost too insignificant to mention because the person doing it is not looking for praise because they are acting through their sub conscious. Like when you're trying to switch lanes on the freeway and someone lets you in, or when you're snowed under at work and someone gets the phone for you. Or sometimes my girlfriends will find something when they're shopping on the internet and send me a link with 'this is so you!' in the subject line...more often than not it is definitely NOT so me but I love that I am on their mind. Think about those days when a stranger holds the lift for you or opens the door for you when you're arms are full. It's those tiny, and almost immediately once they have happened overlooked things that show us that there really is good in everybody when we momentarily forget ourselves.
Sometimes those grand gestures, those feasts that cost loads of money will still leave you feeling peckish and wanting to stop in at KFC on the way home. But if we kept count of how many free drinking fountains we came across and how many packets of fries that are left perfectly hidden in the secret part of the trash for us to find, we might discover that we will almost always feel sated and quenched.
I was flicking through stations on the drive into work this morning and suddenly Creep by Radiohead filled my little Nissan Micra. To be honest if it were halfway through the song I would have kept on flicking but it was like in the movies when they go to switch on the radio and as if by magic the perfect song comes on that pretty much sums up the entire scene and it happens to be just as the radio presenter is introducing it before he plays it right from the start. That is what happened this morning. I was thinking about this blog. The Obnoxious Owl. Tammy the Owl blogger. The ridiculous persona that I have created and can't seem to keep up with these days. Then I flicked on the radio and Thom Yorke started singing and it all clicked into place.
I started thinking about how great, how iconic this song is and how sick he must be of singing it. But it must be such a crowd pleaser when they decide to bust it out at a gig. Even though you might flick through the song when it comes on the radio whilst driving like you probably would Wonderwall by Oasis or Paper Planes by M.I.A, you would be pretty wrapped and happy to hear it when you're at the live gig and they decided to play it. They probably just perform it now on auto, not even thinking about it like its a chore. A small bit of them must die inside that it still gets the people going and nothing new they ever perform is ever going to get the same reaction then instantly feel ungrateful because it was probably because of that very song that put them in the position to release new material and be more free in the creative sense in the first place.
Then think about us, the listener. We want to embrace their new stuff as much as the old stuff because we also want to evolve and enjoy new things. We tell everyone that we are 'over that song' but secretly love it when we hear it. How many people now claim to 'love' Gotye but really, they only like that one track. Then they fork out money on a ticket to see him and he might decide not to play probably the biggest hit of his life that he will probably never match, I guarantee 90% of the crowd will say he was rubbish even though they know deep down he wasn't, they're just feeling disappointed and were bored. So many of us do that hey? Go to a gig to hear our favourite tunes and stand there feeling pretty bored until they play it and could quite easily go home once they have but we don't because we know how super lame that would be.
The other night I was going through old posts on this thing. I really used to say some shit hey? God damn. No wonder my mother stopped talking to me for a while. Reading back is kind of like looking at old photos of myself from the nineties. I cringe and almost don't recognise myself but then I have to remind myself that is was all relevant at the time.
I started writing this because I felt like I had something to say. Writing so openly about sex and other risque subjects whilst trying to keep some mystique has been difficult. I have allowed room for assumption. So many assume that I have written about my own experiences and I've never tried to correct anybody. It started out suggestive and then kind of became my crowd pleaser. I would have to sneak it in mid paragraph to keep my audience interested...to trick them into reading my new stuff. I have moulded and shaped this persona and while it was completely appropriate and relevant at the time, I have outgrown it yet still feel compelled to give the people what they want. Editors and interviewers want me to be apart of their publications and always give me the same brief, 'Don't hold back' and I don't. Don't get me wrong, I am naturally out spoken and feel strongly about all things taboo and like to give my opinion with my tongue firmly placed in my cheek but I catch myself saying things for the sake of saying things and either over compensate or underwhelm. I have made my bed so to speak.
So this little blog turns 3 this weekend. 3 Years of laughs, tears, shocks and horrors. This says more about my life from the transition of twenty something party animal to thirty something grown up than any photo album ever could. Reading between the lines will tell you even more if you have the skill to do that. Don't worry , this isn't an announcement about me throwing the baby out with the water or anything. It's very easy to rest on my laurels by busting out the crowd pleasers and embracing the notoriety and high Google analytics stats that come with it but then I would just become a whisper of who I actually am. Sure if I continued delivering the goods that sell, the big hits, I would probably be as rich and famous as the Black Eyed Peas! Nobody wants to be like the Black Eyed Peas.
So let's raise our glasses! Here's to growing up, to evolving, to reading between the lines and to feeling good and knowing what to put out as your latest release and what is best kept for the greatest hits.
IF YOU WANT THINGS IN YOUR LIFE TO CHANGE, YOU NEED TO CHANGE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE.
If you want to lose weight, you will need to stop eating in front of the telly. If you want to stop having difficult relationships with people then you need to re think your attitude. If you are always broke then you need to stop buying shoes. If you are fourth time victim to unrequited love then you may need to reassess your approach. If we want the same thing to stop happening then we need to stop doing the same thing. When will we learn that we are in the drivers seat of our own destiny? Prolly never.
BE WHO YOU ARE AND SAY WHAT YOU FEEL BECAUSE THOSE WHO MIND DON'T MATTER AND THOSE THAT MATTER DON'T MIND. - DR SEUSS
It's strange that the most natural thing to do, to be be yourself, requires so much effort. In order to be yourself you have to know yourself which is quite the daunting task. Knowing oneself is not about knowing whether you like olives or not, whether you like east coast or west coast rap, whether you are into tropical fashions or like to keep shit simple. No...none of this matters and these things change with the wind. Even when the Twin Towers came crashing down, the foundation remained. What are your values? Figure them out. Write them down if you have to. All things external comes and goes but integrity will always be last man standing.
TELL YOUR SECRETS TO THE WIND, BUT DON'T BLAME IT FOR TELLING THE TREES - KHALIL GIBRAN
I know what its like, I am the worst for it. You need to say things out loud so that someone can make you feel better about them. 'A problem shared is a problem halved' and all that shit BUT! Do not underestimate your own ability to sort shit out. Come on people, you are stronger than that.
LIVE WITH NO EXCUSES. LOVE WITH NO REGRETS.
The former is way easier than the latter, I know this. It's particularly hard when the pain you feel from love gone wrong keeps you awake at night, turns you into an anxious, neurotic version of your former self to the point where you question your mental health. Believe me, I know! I know you sit there wishing you could rewind to the time when things were going so well, so light with the other person and that you handled the transition into emotional territory with a little more tact and skill. Well boo hoo, that is life. Wake up every day knowing that yesterday is now a part of unchangeable history and the new day is filled with promise. I know it's hard but try to be present. Be in the now because now is whats happening.
NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE TO BE YOUR PRIORITY WHILE YOU'RE JUST THEIR OPTION.
Girls, this one is especially for you. You KNOW the difference between a booty call and a normal call by now. You know what it is deep down yet you hang onto the hope that it could be different this time and that he will see the light and see how fucking awesome you are. Truth is, he won't ever see the light ever because he only texts you when his dick is hard and that is the only thing on his mind at the time so drop a 'Who's this?' in reply and call someone who you know will be happy to hear from you.
ADVICE IS JUST CONFIRMATION OF WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW.