Tagged: penis

Dear O.W.L



I get loads of emails everyday from people asking me questions and for advice and then going 'Please don't post my name!' well I won't, but I will summarise your emails and letters and compile it into one big juicy informative post.

 

Dear OWL,  just before my period I feel fat and gross and oily. Does everyone feel like this?  


Hi! Yes. Yes we do.  Plus even though you feel like a blimp and you hate everyone you will still choose to eat your weight in cheese or chocolate or chips...'CH' things that are all bad for you.  But do not despair! Because once it's over, you will feel like your old self again.  But yeah, most women want to hang themselves during their period.  Have you also noticed that you have never been that horny during that time?  The irony is heartbreaking.

 

Dear OWL, this might sound weird, but is it normal for real girls to have wrinkly vagina lips? I was about to go down on my girlfriend for the first time but got grossed out when I saw her pussy- the skin was kinda saggy and stuff... anyway I think she might have been offended by my reaction. what can I do to make her feel better without being awkward?  


Eat her out like it's for sale and rent is due.  And also, vaginas are all different and not as um, robust as those you might see on your porn collection.  Your penis better look like Gods gift mate.

 

Dear OWL, I went on a date with this guy, it went really well! We kissed at the end and he said he would call me but it's been a week.  Do you think he still might?


Who knows!  Maybe...maybe not.   Just go on with your life and don't expect anything from it.  But I'll be honest, it's not looking good.

 

Dear OWL, the other night after sex I did a fanny fart! I was so mortified! Is this normal?


Yup. Laugh it off. OR you can do what I saw on a porn vid the other night and turn around and say real aggressively, 'Hear that? That's my pussy talking to you'.


Dear OWL, I am always admiring your acrylic nails!  How long have you had them and do you recommend the acrylic route? 


I'e had my claws for 6 years.  I don't really remember ever not having them...they're just a part of me now.  Yeah sure, acrylics are cool.  Yes they ruin your real nail just like hair dye ruins your real hair, smoking ruins your lungs and heels give you ingrown toenails.  Nails grow back though so who cares?  Go forth and get acrylic'd.  PS, the trick is to find a good technician.  I've had some shockers...but generally it's hard to fuck up.

 

Dear OWL, what is the best way to clean my foreskin?


Bleach and a toothbrush.

(Seriously? Is this my life now?)

 

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 33


FOR BOYS ONLY


 

WEAR SUITS, BUT DON'T BE ALL 'I WEAR SUITS' ABOUT IT.


I dunno why, but when men enjoy a good suit they like to scream about it. Suit wearing should be effortless...in my opinion, but then, who else's opinion are you after if you're reading this innit? Once I met this guy at a bar and he was wearing a suit...not in a wanky 'I'm here for after work drinks' way but in a, 'this is what I put on to come out' way. He looked nice, but before I could tell him he did, I'm not sure if he thought I had something in common with Stevie Wonder or something but he said, 'So, have you noticed I'm wearing a suit?' What the fuck hey

 

INSIDE OUR BODIES THERE IS A SOUL, AND SOME OF US HAVE A PERSONALITY.


So don't just use us as a service station to empty your balls thanks. Even if it is a one night thing, make a woman feel sexual and desired and put your fucking back into it.  I know some of you have cock issues i.e. not big enough, goes soft on you, you arrive early to the party etc and that then causes you to rush in quicker than R Kelly on prom night because you're nervous, but seriously girls talk. And lemme tell you, two thirds of you lot need to step your game up.   Hey I know that there are ladies who enjoy a game of planking in the sack but I will take that up with them.

 

HEAD GAMES.


Before you go ahead and label a girl with the ever so original term 'psycho', just take a little step back, make yourself a coffee and consider your part in it all.  Some of you are pretty easy to fall for, despite your head olympics and your cock issues.

 

WE SERIOUSLY DON'T EXPECT *THAT* MUCH FROM YOU HEY


The standards you set for yourself are way taller than those that we set for you.  OK, we like you to smell nice, be nice and dress nice along with being attentive yet assertive, not money hungry but ambitious, sensitive but not a pussy and aggressive yet gentle during love making (yes love making). OK...maybe we DO expect a lot. Don't be such a pussy about it.

 

TRY TO FIND HAPPINESS BEFORE SUCCESS


One would think that with one comes the other, but this is just not so.  Also, take some responsibility for your misery but don't hate on yourself...IT IS WHAT IT IS - God that saying is annoying.

 

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 31


FOR BOYS ONLY


ALWAYS ASK


It's not OK to try and go for the er...other hole without asking first .  Neither is it OK to say you won't cum in her mouth and then you do.   Don't be such a sadistic bastard.  Half the thrill is making her beg for it surely?

 

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS WALK STREET SIDE.


Haven't you ever watched old movies? What if there's a puddle and a car drives past and splashes her? THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS!

 

WHEN IT COMES TO ROMANCE, BE OLD FASHIONED.


Flowers, chocolates and the age old favorite...calling when you say you will.

 

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS?


If like before you...you know...ejaculated, you put your thumb over the tip of your penis and pretend that you won a Formula 1 race!  She'll TOTALLY see the funny side. Or maybe not.  I dunno. Do whatever.

 

REPLY.


Unless of course she is a mentalist and you have firmly and matter of factly told her 'do not contact me you crazy animal'. No replies to innocent messages just make her feel pissed off, shit about herself and anxious. And girls who are reading this: A non reply means that you are absolutely not a priority in his life in the slightest and the fact of you being pissed off that he didn't respond does not bother him at all and it's really not his problem that you are hung up. Don't get mad. Get laid. By somebody else.

T-SHIRT BY FRANCESCO NATHAN


 

 

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part vingt-dix-neuf



TUMBLR USERS... 


Please stop saying 'mine is different 'cause all content is original'. Shut the fuck up. You don't need to ANNOUNCE or advertise what you are. Just be it. Originality is always obvious.

 

DRY SHAMPOO.


Know it. Use it. Love it. It's life changing.

 

DON'T BE A DESPERATE WHORE. 


When a guy has 'bored' or 'I'm bored' or 'SO BOORRRED' as his status update, it means he is fishing for a little midnight snack in the shape of your pussy. Please do not be one of the 12 comments that says, 'me too' or 'same' or blah blah 'likes this'. We all know whats going on here!

 

WHEN IS TIME TO UNFOLLOW/DELETE?


a) When you are crushing on someone and you feel the need to investigate every girl they are chatting to. b) When you find yourself feeling tense and/or angry every time you see their feed and you practically have to cut your fingers off to stop yourself from typing a sarky/cunty remark. c) When they make you feel like an asshole. d) When THEY are an asshole.

 

WAKE HIM UP BY GOING DOWN ON HIM 


He might return the favor.

 

GO TO BED EARLY AND WAKE UP EARLY. PEOPLE WHO GET SHIT DONE ARE EARLY RISERS AND BREAKFAST EATERS.


Good Night x

Obnoxious Owl Tumblr 

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 29




FOR BOYS ONLY



PLEASE! RATHER JUST SAY NOTHING INSTEAD OF 'TAKE CARE' 



This goes hand in hand with calling us 'mate'.  It's kind of the same feeling when you are into a girl and she tells you that you are like a brother to her.  Yeah. THAT fucking feeling.




DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE CLIT IS?



Like for real, do you?  Because according to recent studies (my girlfriends) 97% of you are still in struggle town.  Yeah I KNOW it's harder than it seems and we are a fickle lot but there is being a millimetre off to the right and then there is tenderly stroking our groin.  Here you go.




LENGTH IS NOT IMPORTANT 


Girth is more our thang.  But if you weren't blessed with either, just fuck like it's massive.  She'll never know!  But also, if you are in fact massive don't pretend to be drunk just so you can get your cock out and everyone can go ,'Whoah dude you're huge' and don't think that your giant member makes you some kind of chick whisperer either...that attitude just makes you a big dick.



IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE THE JEWELRY WEARING KIND OF CHAP, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT OWN A JEWELRY BOX 


I don't feel I need to elaborate on this.



IF YOU HATE GETTING LAID YOU SHOULD WEAR A BEANIE IN SUMMER 


And sandals during winter.  It's not essential but it will definitely help.



Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-treize




USE THOSE EARTH BRAND PRODUCTS TO CLEAN YO CRIB 


I never used to, but then that ad came on the telly where that bird is mopping the floor with an octopus and he looked so sad! I Google'd that shit, and it turns out that those super chemical heavy brands we use to clean our kitchens and bathrooms totally do major damage to the big pond when it all goes down the drain. This might go above some of your heads because you don't even buy cleaning products and YOU need to check yourself before you wreck yourself you dirty slag.

 

THE PERFECT HANDJOB 


This section was inspired by 'Anon' who asked me how to give a good hand job.   Well my dearest Anonymous, I must applaud you for wanting to please your man. I hope he is out there somewhere asking what is the best way to flick your bean because otherwise the bonehead don't deserve you.  Firstly, no one knows how to give a better handjob than a man. Why?  Because they are all wankers. Literally. The only thing they are thinking when they are beating themselves off is, 'Man! Wouldn't it be handy if someone else was doing this for me?!' So yeah, make sure you are lying next to him and kind of wrap your hand around his pee pee as if he was holding it himself.  Hold it firm enough to get a grip but loose enough so not to hurt him...kind of like how you would hold a water balloon. Kinda. You need to start with slow long strides up and down...maybe massaging his balls with your other hand as you go. The big no no here is for it to be dry...you are not starting a fire so no friction. You can use some KY but if you are wanting to be a dirty little girl, a bit of spit goes a long way.  You have to build up pace and keep it consistent. Not stop start stop start...that's just frustrating for our lucky little man. If you have stamina and can keep up the pace it shouldn't be too long before they blow but if he is being a difficult bastard then give him the 'ol '2 hander' and maybe just wrap your mouth around the tip. Getting your tits out wouldn't hurt because boys sure do like dem visuals. And lastly, look as though you are enjoying it. I mean, I know it can be tedious but a look of boredom and no 'ooohs' and 'aaahs' is just not cricket. Asking him for a bit of guidance and a bit of 'do you like that baby?' won't go astray either.  God speed!

 

STOP TRYNA CLAIM WORDS AND PHRASES AND POP CULTURE WAYS OF SPELLING WORDS LIKE IT'S 'YOUR THING'


You are irritating and lame. And if you are over 25, you are slightly retarded as well.

I don't know where I get this shit.

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway HOMME Part 28




FOR BOYS ONLY




WE ARE MORE MANIPULATIVE THAN YOU CAN EVER BEGIN TO IMAGINE 


It all started when your mum told you that eating all your carrots will make you see in the dark. Or when she made 'choo choo' noises with your food and pretended the brussel sprout was a train and your mouth the tunnel.  Wherever you look, there is a female 'innocently' convincing you to do something. Some of you turn into cunts and become uber defiant and others doormats. My only advice is for you to know your enemy and pick your arguments.

 

DON'T OVER DO THE EMOTICONS IN YOUR TEXT MESSAGES 


It is SUCH a clit killer dude. Like srsly. Also, if you want the text convo to become a sext convo, then build up to it. Don't be all Seedy Mcgee after just 3 messages.

 

I DON'T KNOW WHY SOME OF YOU ARE WEARING TOP KNOTS AND HANDBAGS BUT I HOPE IT FUCKING ENDS SOON. 


That's all.

 

IF YOU CAN'T GET IT UP, ITS ACTUALLY NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL


 The cringe part is when you make a big deal out of it. It happens! Chill the fuck out. Lay back. Play with her pussy. Stop thinking about it so much. Don't let your brain have all the blood that your dick needs. Sometimes we fanny fart and sometimes you can't get a stiff breeze. It's Gods way of showing us we're only human.

 

PLEASE DON'T ORDER HOT CHOCOLATE WHEN YOU GO OUT FOR COFFEE WITH A GIRL


It is BEYOND lame. I know some people don't like coffee (its embarrassing) but please don't smear salt in the decaffeinated wounds by ordering hot chocolate. Order tea rather if you really can't handle the bean but hot chocolate drinkers who are dudes that hide behind calling it 'lets go out for coffee' probably listen to James Blunt and/or Coldplay.

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-onze




NOBODY CARES THAT YOU DON'T HAVE FACEBOOK


Some will just think you are weird and others just get bored when you start to tell them that you 'miss bumping into your friends on the street' and over 'being friends with randoms' etc. Firstly, why only be friends with people on facebook whom you see every day? A bit fucking pointless if you ask me. Secondly, yes I know its a weird way in which to communicate but geez, don't you recks they woulda said the same thing when the telephone was invented? And then the cell phone? It's called progression. Don't wanna take part? Cool. But don't make a frikkin song and dance about it like you are some kind of exception to the rule or some shit.

 

CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK 


The world is totally unaware about those goals you have set yourself inside your head. The world is also clueless to the times that you don't meet said goals. It's important to never be complacent and to continuously strive to be thinner, cooler, cleverer, richer, any other 'er' that you may think is necessary, but remember that you are not a salmon.

 

BODY HAIR ON A CHICK IS NEVER OK


 

It's actually fucking gross.  Yeah yeah yeah, feminism bullshit about equality...whatever dude, if you get a tash, wax that shit.  If your knickers look like you are staging a Jackson 5 concert inside them, sort shit out. Hair removal separates us from the animals.

 

BLACK DICKS ARE NOT NECESSARILY LARGER THAN WHITE DICKS 



This is the biggest urban legend of all time. I blame porn. The chicks on there are so full of shit.  They're always being like, 'oohhh, gimme your big black cock' and sure enough, home boys cock is pretty damn humongous.  But then of course it is! He is a porn star for Gods sake! I think black men have a reputation for having larger than life manhood because they walk with swagger and have that whole 'attitude' thing down, so you reckon they must be packing. But in reality, penis size really is luck of the draw and having a small penis is not necessarily restricted to one race or nationality. Unless you are Japanese. Or my last boyfriend.

LISTENING TO THE BEATLES PUTS LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE 



Let the simplicity of the lyrics say it all. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-cing




BACK UP AND DOUBLE CHECK


I'm talking about insurance here people. This 'ere blog was deleted by a little SPAM 'c' word and I nearly had a heart attack. Not because of it disappearing, I mean, I can always start again, but more so because nothing I have ever written on here had been saved. God I'm a knob end. ANYWAY it' back now and I'm backing up. But the theme continues...ensure your expensive possessions, lock up your bike, lock your front door and take out private health. I'm not saying become a neurotic control freak, I'm just saying that storms are inevitable, and you should always be prepared.

 

IF YOUR FRIEND MAKES NO COMMENT ON YOUR OUTFIT, IT PROBABLY MEANS YOU LOOK BANGING 


Insecurity in females will be the death of us. We have our own to deal with and to keep in line so it doesn't turn us into spiteful little bitches...you can't be worrying about others.

 

GET OFF YOUR PHONE !!!


Or at least pretend to be offline and give the illusion that you have a life.

 

IT'S KIND TO NOT MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF HIM FAILING TO GET A HARD ON


Fuck man. They have it tough. They've been drinking and doing God knows what else and that really does affect their ability to become Iron Man.  Just be understanding and don't make a big deal about it. Give him a massage, touch yourself in front of him, get him to talk filth while you do it...help him to forget about it. It's the only way old mate Woody is gonna make an appearance. Failing that, maybe tie it to a stick like some people do to wilting plants? Just a suggestion.

 

RED WINE AFTER DRINKING SPIRITS AND/OR BEER WILL MAKE YOU THROW YOUR GUTS UP 


FACT. I don't need to say much more on the subject.

 

THE MINUTE YOU FIND YOURSELF BECOMING THE PERSON YOU HATE AROUND SOMEBODY, GET RID


Do you usually have your shit together but around certain boys you feel needy and anxious? He ain't good for you honey.  Do you leave the company of some girls feeling like a dirty gossip mouth and on a one way ticket no stop over to Hell? Pick a new crowd.