I get loads of emails everyday from people asking me questions and for advice and then going 'Please don't post my name!' well I won't, but I will summarise your emails and letters and compile it into one big juicy informative post.
Dear OWL, just before my period I feel fat and gross and oily. Does everyone feel like this?
Hi! Yes. Yes we do. Plus even though you feel like a blimp and you hate everyone you will still choose to eat your weight in cheese or chocolate or chips...'CH' things that are all bad for you. But do not despair! Because once it's over, you will feel like your old self again. But yeah, most women want to hang themselves during their period. Have you also noticed that you have never been that horny during that time? The irony is heartbreaking.
Dear OWL, this might sound weird, but is it normal for real girls to have wrinkly vagina lips? I was about to go down on my girlfriend for the first time but got grossed out when I saw her pussy- the skin was kinda saggy and stuff... anyway I think she might have been offended by my reaction. what can I do to make her feel better without being awkward?
Eat her out like it's for sale and rent is due. And also, vaginas are all different and not as um, robust as those you might see on your porn collection. Your penis better look like Gods gift mate.
Dear OWL, I went on a date with this guy, it went really well! We kissed at the end and he said he would call me but it's been a week. Do you think he still might?
Who knows! Maybe...maybe not. Just go on with your life and don't expect anything from it. But I'll be honest, it's not looking good.
Dear OWL, the other night after sex I did a fanny fart! I was so mortified! Is this normal?
Yup. Laugh it off. OR you can do what I saw on a porn vid the other night and turn around and say real aggressively, 'Hear that? That's my pussy talking to you'.
Dear OWL, I am always admiring your acrylic nails! How long have you had them and do you recommend the acrylic route?
I'e had my claws for 6 years. I don't really remember ever not having them...they're just a part of me now. Yeah sure, acrylics are cool. Yes they ruin your real nail just like hair dye ruins your real hair, smoking ruins your lungs and heels give you ingrown toenails. Nails grow back though so who cares? Go forth and get acrylic'd. PS, the trick is to find a good technician. I've had some shockers...but generally it's hard to fuck up.
Dear OWL, what is the best way to clean my foreskin?
Bleach and a toothbrush.
(Seriously? Is this my life now?)
FOR BOYS ONLY
WEAR SUITS, BUT DON'T BE ALL 'I WEAR SUITS' ABOUT IT.
I dunno why, but when men enjoy a good suit they like to scream about it. Suit wearing should be effortless...in my opinion, but then, who else's opinion are you after if you're reading this innit? Once I met this guy at a bar and he was wearing a suit...not in a wanky 'I'm here for after work drinks' way but in a, 'this is what I put on to come out' way. He looked nice, but before I could tell him he did, I'm not sure if he thought I had something in common with Stevie Wonder or something but he said, 'So, have you noticed I'm wearing a suit?' What the fuck hey
INSIDE OUR BODIES THERE IS A SOUL, AND SOME OF US HAVE A PERSONALITY.
So don't just use us as a service station to empty your balls thanks. Even if it is a one night thing, make a woman feel sexual and desired and put your fucking back into it. I know some of you have cock issues i.e. not big enough, goes soft on you, you arrive early to the party etc and that then causes you to rush in quicker than R Kelly on prom night because you're nervous, but seriously girls talk. And lemme tell you, two thirds of you lot need to step your game up. Hey I know that there are ladies who enjoy a game of planking in the sack but I will take that up with them.
Before you go ahead and label a girl with the ever so original term 'psycho', just take a little step back, make yourself a coffee and consider your part in it all. Some of you are pretty easy to fall for, despite your head olympics and your cock issues.
WE SERIOUSLY DON'T EXPECT *THAT* MUCH FROM YOU HEY
The standards you set for yourself are way taller than those that we set for you. OK, we like you to smell nice, be nice and dress nice along with being attentive yet assertive, not money hungry but ambitious, sensitive but not a pussy and aggressive yet gentle during love making (yes love making). OK...maybe we DO expect a lot. Don't be such a pussy about it.
TRY TO FIND HAPPINESS BEFORE SUCCESS
One would think that with one comes the other, but this is just not so. Also, take some responsibility for your misery but don't hate on yourself...IT IS WHAT IT IS - God that saying is annoying.
FOR BOYS ONLY
PLEASE! RATHER JUST SAY NOTHING INSTEAD OF 'TAKE CARE'
This goes hand in hand with calling us 'mate'. It's kind of the same feeling when you are into a girl and she tells you that you are like a brother to her. Yeah. THAT fucking feeling.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE CLIT IS?
Like for real, do you? Because according to recent studies (my girlfriends) 97% of you are still in struggle town. Yeah I KNOW it's harder than it seems and we are a fickle lot but there is being a millimetre off to the right and then there is tenderly stroking our groin. Here you go.
LENGTH IS NOT IMPORTANT
Girth is more our thang. But if you weren't blessed with either, just fuck like it's massive. She'll never know! But also, if you are in fact massive don't pretend to be drunk just so you can get your cock out and everyone can go ,'Whoah dude you're huge' and don't think that your giant member makes you some kind of chick whisperer either...that attitude just makes you a big dick.
IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE THE JEWELRY WEARING KIND OF CHAP, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT OWN A JEWELRY BOX
I don't feel I need to elaborate on this.
IF YOU HATE GETTING LAID YOU SHOULD WEAR A BEANIE IN SUMMER
And sandals during winter. It's not essential but it will definitely help.