LIVE AND LET LIVE.
I'm serious about this hey. You're on your path and folk are on theirs. There is no accounting for taste and variety in the spice of life. Hmmm I wonder if I can fit in another cliche here....oh yeah, people in glass houses should buy a really good window cleaner. Or something.
DO NOT POINT IT OUT.
People didn't even notice that spot on your face or your weird knees or your semi-chubby calves until you pointed them out. They'll be all like, 'Don't be ridiculous!' and laugh but really they'll be thinking, 'Shit, you're right!' So ssshhhh!
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA PRETEND YOU LIKE SOMETHING SO YOU CAN BOND WITH ANOTHER PERSON.
Pretend you like the same kind of music or movie or whatever. Don't go overboard, just agree, nod, smile and be non abrasive. You don't have to pretend to like anal sex though, that's taking things too far.
I WANNA SAY DON'T SLEEP WITH HIM JUST BECAUSE HE IS FAMOUS...
But you're not gonna listen, are you?
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU MAKE A POSITIVE LIFE CHANGE, PEOPLE WILL HATE ON IT. EVEN THOSE CLOSEST TO YOU.
It's not even from a malicious place and often they don't even realize that they are doing it but people are scared as fuck of change. People get used to you being the depressed one, the one with the weight problem, the dependable one that just lives down the road, the single one who is always ready to party, the one in the a relationship who won't be competition when you go out etc - don't get angry, for they know not what they do. Also, do NOT let it deter you from entering a new chapter or making some positive changes in your life. If you are picking up weight and can't get into your clothes and decide to do something about it, IGNORE THE PEOPLE WHO SAY YOU LOOK FINE, because you know you LOOK fine but you don't FEEL fine...and they will never understand that...especially if they have been a size 10 for a minute. If you really like a dude then follow your instinct, listen to what your mates have to say but make your own decisions. Unless he is a crackhead or something, or married...because they probs have a point. All I'm saying is, don't be surprised where your support does/doesn't come from when you decide to do something to improve your life. Change and improvement in others makes people re evaluate their lives and forces them out their comfort zone so they may lash out. But you're all good because now you've been warned. Nod and smile baby.
YOUR GUT IS THE BEST BULLSHIT DETECTOR EVER.
It's built in! But be careful because paranoia can often be disguised as instinct. Life eh? Wish it came with a manual. Oh wait...
YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING.
People bond with each other by sharing something new and interesting and then shutting up and learning. Give and take. Push and Pull. Sometimes, like maybe, if you want, start a sentence with, 'Oh really? I never knew that!' instead of, 'Well funny you should say that, because I am also just as interesting as you are!' Nothing to prove when meeting new people hey, it's not a job interview. Chill out.
BE FUN.
I don't mean be 'crazy' and arrange sky diving weekends and shit like that. Just be up for stuff. Stay up a bit late. Agree to go to a gig even though it's not really the music you're in to. Be silly and laugh. Be spontaneous and infectious and someone people want to be around. Stop going on and on about what you 'don't do i.e. "I don't do facebook/twitter/iPhones. I don't have a TV. I don't drink' WELL WHOOPY DOO FOR YOU! What do you do then hmm? Not doing those things is fine, but BE COOL, you don't need to shout about it and make a big point of it. Enough of what you don't and more of what you do. If what you're not doing defines you instead of what you are doing then honey, you gots a problem yo.
JUST DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.
It really is that simple. Be nice. Bring something to the table. Encourage and give credit where credit is due. Ask for help when you need it and be grateful and thankful. Take praise and say thank you. Use your skills and resources to help others and you'll find they'll often do the same back...unless they're also an asshole, then they probably won't.
GET A ROUND IN.
Buy some drinks and maybe shout a friend a fucking coffee from time to time eh?
THROW SOME SUGGESTIONS OUT.
Are you a 'I'll first see what someone else has planned and if I like it I'll take part and if I don't I'll just stay in and think about how awesome I am' kind of person?
TALK ABOUT YOURSELF LOADS AND YOUR 'PERSONAL STYLE'
It's not boring at all. People love it.
DON'T BE SO SELECTIVE.
Variety is the spice of life. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Um....I can't think of any more cliche's. So what if they dress different, talk different, are older than you, younger than you or listen to shit music? Find common ground, get to know, expand your horizons. But DO NOT be friends with crack heads and people who love hiring limos. They will just drag you down.
MAKE OTHERS FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES AND BE GENUINE ABOUT IT.
Don't be a kiss ass, but be someone people want to be around because they feel better for it. Then you'll feel better about YOURSELF. Truth.
FOR BOYS ONLY
AS THE PHILOSOPHER JANET JACKSON ONCE SAID, 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL IT'S GONE' - In a relationship? You love her? She can cook, great in bed, holds your head when you're sad and laughs at all your lame ass jokes? However you can't help but wonder if maybe there might be someone better? Guess what sunshine, there ain't.
MINI LESSON ON WHAT'S A CLIT KILLER: Getting involved in girl beef (not curtains, just general daily gossip and stupid shit). Over using emoticons. A filthy bedroom. Dirty fingernails. Over using social media with blatant contrived statements you thought of earlier that day and have been waiting for the perfect moment to unleash it on your followers. No job and no desire to even get a job. Homophobia. Lying on your back with your hands behind your head whilst gesturing at your hard dick with your eyes and saying, 'Go mad'.
'BED SHEETS' HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE THINGS THAT GIRLS LOOK AT - I know what you think I'm gonna say...'no Power Ranger or Ninja Turtle sheets' - you did think that hey? NO. That's fine. Although, they seldom make those kids covers for anything bigger than a single bed so....what the fuck dude? We look at CLEANLINESS and how threadbare the bloody duvets are. Also for girls underwear, used tissues under the pillow and those tell tale white marks. Sort it out love.
WHY MUST YOU INSIST ON HEAD GAMES? - Yeah I know chicks do it too, but you guys are WAY worse. I truly believe it's because you are so scared of confrontation that you would rather us read your actions or between the lines of you not texting/calling/skyping back so we ironically 'get the message'. Grow some yeah?
MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM MARS ALSO - You guys apply logic towards emotion which makes you come across as insensitive. Women apply emotion to logic which makes them come across dramatic. We don't know why we all do the things we do and life is all about figuring that out in my opinion. But in the meantime, let's just get naked and laugh about it.
OH THE TANGLED LIES WE WEAVE THAT WE ARE NAIVE ENOUGH TO BELIEVE - Sometimes...no actually MOST times we are indecisive so when we think we have made up our mind the need to over articulate and speak about it becomes unbearable. Almost as though talking ourselves into it in public will provide us with a witness which then sets the bullshit in stone which will hopefully force us to stick to our guns. The other reason could be our quest for validation that we have in fact made the right choice. Ever noticed how when you know its the right decision that no further discussion is required and you don't need any assistance in helping you sleep at night? Wake up and smell the Nescafe Blend babe.
WE ALL COME WITH AN EX - Unless you are dating a 14 year old, your current squeeze most likely has an ex. Sometimes you might bump into them. Sometimes they might rear their head on a facebook feed. Sometimes they might send a text. Don't freak out about it and look like a fucking psycho. See? You just made me use the word I hate, but you are a frikkin psycho if you lose your shit over your boyfriend/girlfriends saying hi to an ex if they happen to be around. Just like opinions and assholes...we all have an ex. Hell, your ex's new shag probably hates your guts as well! Let's just all agree to acknowledge that whomever we are dating at present once had a life before you and that it is all water under the bridge. (and that we all still have a sneaky wank over them from time to time)
OLIVE OIL IS GREAT FOR REMOVING EYE MAKE UP - No seriously, I was amazed at how well it works. A bit on a cotton wool pad and BAM! the dirt is gone. The oil is moisturising round your peepers as well. Double win.
BACK HANDED COMPLIMENTS - 'Oh that would look really good on you, but I wouldn't be seen dead it it' Yeah. Great. Thanks for that. Man, it's totally fine to acknowledge something is dope even though it's not really your thang. I never understand when indie chicks are all like , 'EWWW' over David Beckham and 'SCHWING!' over Pete Doherty. Yeah sure, whatever floats your boat, but David Beckham is a looker whether you admit it or not. One can acknowledge something is decent without having to enjoy it. A bit like heavy Metal for me.
USE NATURAL YOGURT INSTEAD OF CREAM- If you wanna drop a few kay geez but still like you some pasta, use yogurt as a base to the sauce instead of cream. Don't add it to heat though, just stir it through the tomato paste or pesto. It's way kinder to dem thighs girl. Be sensible. If you feel fat and are unhappy with the way you look, then do something about it. Just stop fucking moaning about it to your friends because they actually hate you for it. And you know they do so just stop it OK?
SOME DECORUM WHEN TAKING A LEAK IN PUBLIC PLEASE! - At a party a few nights ago a dude who was winning at life stumbled over, whipped his little pecker out and started to pee in a corner right next to us - the fumes from his 90% beer urine blended with the balmy summer night and it totally aroused us. Then he walked over and tried to kiss my friend. She declined. He couldn't understand why! Then he sat down on the arm of the chair and it broke. All of us started fighting over who was gonna have his children.
UM, I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS ... - But putting your flaccid penis in our mouth to help make it hard just makes us dry as a bone. There. That wasn't that hard actually! *pun intended*
PLEASE DON'T OVER USE THE SMILEY FACE IN TEXT MESSAGES - It's gay.
EASY WITH THE WORD 'SLUT' - OK maaaaaaaybe in bed once or twice. But just because we played with our hair when we spoke to another dude or decided to maybe lift the hemline on our skirt a bit, does NOT give you the right to just throw the word 'slut' around. Take your Chris Brown attitude and check yourself. Dickhead.
Phew. I'm angry today.
IF YOU ARE FEELING PARANOID AND SAD, THE WORST THING EVER IS TO GO ON SOCIAL NETWORKS - Oh dear God. Every single status update, tweet or general comment will be about you. Well...at least in your head it will be. You'll wonder why somebody did or didn't like your status. You will wonder how the person you haven't spoken to in 4 years and now lives in Brazil knows about your 'situation' when clearly their status update is about you. UNREASONABLE ASSUMPTIONS WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE. Switch off the laptop, put a mindless DVD on and go to bed.
IT SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD - Er....no, not that. I'm talking about relationships here. It really shouldn't be such a fuck show...unless you're well...fucking! But having these long God damn drawn out 'talks' about where shit is going and giving things '6 months' or won't live together until you're 'ready' is just ridiculous. How the hell do you know when you're ready? Someone calls out your ticket number? Choosing a partner is not like family members you know, you actually have a choice in the matter. Consider the percentages of how often you are happy vs sad or content vs angry. It's not rocket science.
DRINK WATER - You will pee a lot, but your skin will look like the untouched buttocks of a newborn baby.
GUESS WHAT?!?!?! - Girls like sex! Yup. True story. They're not even a slut if they do. They also sometimes write about it for a) humor and b) because it's real life. It does not warrant every Tom, Dickhead and Harry to try and get them to say rude things so they can have a little wank about it later. Got that? Only genuine mature souls need apply.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE FINISHED YOUR PERIOD? - You probs haven't so don't have sex. It will be embarrassing and you know it. The dregs is kinda like the wasps nest you don't wanna disturb...if you know what I mean? Sorry if this is grossing you out boys, but I'm doing this for YOU.
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON IF YOU CAN'T STAND A CHILD- They will probably grow up to be an asshole of an adult anyway, so maybe put your dislike on lay by if you are really feeling that bad about it. But seriously, some kids need to recognize hey...
DON'T BE A DUMB BITCH AND FALL PREGNANT TO HANG ON TO HIM - It ain't fair to a number of people, but namely the unborn child who doesn't deserve to be some kind of desperate glue to keep two people together who really probably shouldn't be. Plus, having a kid in this kind of situation is like having a souvenir from a bad holiday, except you can't put it in the attic or throw it away. Also, when you 'trick' a guy into making you pregnant, it's bad for the female image and it also makes you a bit of a bitch.
DON'T GO ON WEB CAM IF HE ASKS - He doesn't really wanna see you, he just wants to see if he is able to get you to do it. Please don't flatter him.
TRY NOT TO BE SO TRANSPARENT - When you pretend to like football, English Premier League, certain music, NBA and various other boy stuff just to get boys attention, THEY ALWAYS KNOW. Once in primary school, I pretended to really be into marbles...then I had to start playing...turns out, I was actually pretty good...some might say 'highly talented' and I won heaps of tournaments. So yeah, maybe that ain't a good example. But you know what I mean, and you know who you are.
IF YOU ARE GIVING HIM A HAND JOB AND IT IS BONE DRY, NOT EVEN A BIT OF PRE CUM TO HELP LUBE THE SITUATION, YOU MAY HURT HIM - And he is not enjoying it. There is no shame in spitting on his dick. Trust me. He'll like it.
A DUDE WHO LIKES YOU, WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU HANGING ON FB CHAT/MSN/SKYPE/TEXTING - If he ain't replying/responding yes it does mean he is busy...too busy to speak to you. It's no big deal though, move right along and for fucks sake, don't send the 'Hey, did you get my last message?' CRINGE CRINGE GO KILL YOURSELF CRINGE
REMEMBER HOW YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GROWN UP?- Guess what?! It's happening. Now grow the fuck up.
FOR BOYS ONLY
IF A GIRL TALKS ABOUT HER PERIOD OR FARTS IN FRONT OF YOU, SHE PROBS ONLY WANTS TO BE FRIENDS - This does not apply to long term relationships obvs...those people do loads of wack shit in front of each other. No chick will do that stuff in front of a dude she is crushing on.
DON'T LOOK FOR COMPLIMENTS - You know how you find it amusing/irritating/off putting when girls do it? Ditto.
STOP GETTING INTO FIGHTS - Fuck it's annoying. ESPECIALLY when it didn't even concern you in the first place, but you just HAD to 'jump in' to 'help' a friend. Boys who love drama and scenes SO need to be voted off the island.
THE TINIEST AMOUNT OF JEALOUSY CAN BE A TURN ON - Just a smidge. However. I will confirm right here and now for you fellas that girls definitely do try to make you jealous on purpose...usually with someone you know, but not always. But the way to counter it, is to pretend not to notice. It will drive her up the wall and she will let you drive one up her later.
PLEASE DON'T SULK - For the love of GOD. It might have worked with Mummy, but it ain't gonna work here sunshine.
DO NOT SEX YOUR BUDDY'S SISTER - It's not like you are in love. It's lust. And it's selfish. Don't think you can keep it under your hat either, because this crap ALWAYS gets out. You stand to potentially lose a pretty good friendship over your wondering penis. Don't shit where you eat basically.
WASH YOUR SHEETS - It should be fortnightly, but I'm a realist, so I guess monthly...at a push. And ALWAYS wash them after a one night stand. If you can't be bothered, at least lay down newspaper before you get your freak on.
Dirty dogs x
Yeah I know, two special editions in a row ... but circumstances this week have lead to some inspiration.
THE WHOLE EVENT IS JUST A SHOW OF FUCKERY - There is no right or wrong and nothing about it is easy. It's like cracking and separating an egg. You crack the shell (your heart) and tip the egg whites to and fro (your relationship) and try to hold on to the yolk (your pride) - Some of the shell may get caught amongst the whites, but that is easily lifted out ... it just takes time. A bit of the yolk might creep in there too...but that's only if you let it. Am I making sense? If not read it again, because it's a perfect analogy. What I'm saying is, is that these situations are hard ... but try to get out of it with some dignity.
KEEP IT AS PRIVATE AS YOU CAN - Oh God, fucking facebook and it's fucking "blah di blah is now single" bullshit. Just don't change your status, just choose to hide it. Believe me, all the little critters come out to play when relationships end...they wanna know the who's whys and what's. It's inevitable and we are all guilty of being nosy parkers. But break ups are private, tell people what they need to know and leave it at that. Don't keep it to yourself, as that only leads to assumptions and rumors. Ah, what would life be without a bit of A and R hey?
BREAK UPS HAPPEN TO THE BEST OF US - Exhibit A
Relationships are weird ... I get the 'not wanting to die alone' thing and 'sex on tap' can't be bad either. But having been in a long term relasho myself and then going through the searing white hot pain of a break up a few years back, I came out of it with new perspective on the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing.
It kinda scared me how I put all my eggs in one big relationship basket (eggs again). I didn't just lose the man I loved, I lost my apartment, the country I lived in because I decided to move away and a fair few amount of DVD's. But these things are material and retrievable, what I found I lost the most was a sense of self. I never typed a single word in the 6 years I was with him, I attended hardly any gigs or festivals and I never really wore whatever I wanted. I'm not blaming him by any means, he was a sweetheart...nobody is to blame really.
What I learnt was the importance of having a strong hold on your identity. You are your own best friend and you can even be your own lover (take it from someone who nearly gave herself carpal tunnel once) - finding your 'soulmate' is bullshit. What the fuck is a soulmate anyway? What if you never find this bloody soul twin? You die unhappy and unfulfilled? Watching people around me get into relationships is always heart warming at the start...then it gets weird. Hey, maybe I am being a bitter cynic...but I just think it's dangerous to think of the single you as some kind of dress rehearsal, or that you are sitting on the 'life reserve bench' until someone 'saves' you from being left on the shelf. I hate to sound all Oprah on your ass, but you really need to sort the relationship with yourself. You are Beyonce, and you need a Jay Z. Someone who supports your dreams and respects your wants. Someone who lets you express your creativity in whichever manner you please and has loads of money and a MONSTER black cock....woops, did I say that out loud?
I think the term 'break up' should be changed to 'shake up'
WHEN YOU ATTEND ONE OF THOSE 'SCHMOOZY' AKA 'CUNTY' EVENTS WHERE EVERYONE THINKS THEY POO ICE CREAM, REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE COOLEST PERSON IN THERE - Fuck I hate these things. Where do these people come from anyway? Art exhibitions are the WORST for this shit oh and fashion shows. And anything with 'launch' in the title. Walk in with your head held high and be charming and not wanky...there's a fine line. None of these people are more important that you. None.
SHORT SHORTS AND BIKINI TOPS ARE NOT APPROPRIATE FESTIVAL ATTIRE - Oh God, and then these chicks usually throw some cheapo fake tan into the mix. Ya'll look like a cheese twistie in spandex. Except unlike a twistie, you ain't delicious.
SO HERE'S THE THING WITH GIVING A HAND JOB ... - It's gotta be wet and it's gotta be fluid. You aren't starting a fire, so chill out out the friction. The idea is that it should feel like a vagina. So lots of spit and don't break the rhythm. Get your tits out as well, they need a visual.
WHATS WRONG WITH GOING TO SEE A MOVIE ON YOUR OWN? - Stop being so fucking needy all the time.
ARE YOU ALWAYS WORRIED THAT PEOPLE ARE ANGRY WITH YOU? - It's because you aren't 100% happy with the way you are leading your life. Screw everyone else, what do YOU want?
IF YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED CLEANING YOUR HOUSE, AT LEAST GIVE THE BATHROOM AND KITCHEN A ONCE OVER - Jesus Wept woman, what are you? An animal? If there is any mold on any kind of surface then you are dirty and you don't deserve to get laid.
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO INSPIRE YOU - Not everyone has your best interest at heart...that's a given, it doesn't mean you can't be friends with them. YOU should have your best interests at heart anyway. Stop relying on others to make sure you don't land in fucked situations. Some people may be bell ends, but they might be funny, inspiring, fuckable whatever...don't just write them off because they aren't bff potential.
How good is it that summer is almost here? Sorry UK peeps...you've had your fun xx
