READ IT NOW ON ACCLAIMMAG.COM
READ IT NOW ON ACCLAIMMAG.COM
- Sometimes (or even most times) it is probably in your best interest to remain silent. One often thinks you have to look at the world as though you are watching a movie. Everyone around you are actors telling you a story, and it is your job to be the audience and to do nothing but ponder.
- Everyone has an agenda. Nobody does anything without hoping for some kind of result. There is nothing wrong with that but it depends where their agenda stems from. And also, it depends on what a person considers what the definition of 'winning' is.
- You should all try to have real plants in your house. Only a bit of Mother Earth could make a dump look cosy.
- In life, you will often be distracted from your dreams and sense of self by someone in authority, or someone you actually respect because they have the ability to sway your thinking. It is important to hear them as advice, rather than an order...no matter how bossy they can be. Except of course if it's your boss getting you to do something...such as your job.
- We are going too fast. The world is spinning. You do have the ability to slow down though. When you're finished reading this, switch off your computer and go do something else.
- Smell the roses.
- Girls...if you are feeling tired, unattractive and unenthusiastic about dressing up then you probably need to have some sex. Like you need to be fucked, and you need to be fucked well.
- What? You are having sex and you still feel this way? You're doing it wrong.
- Put a bit of Malibu in your hot chocolate. Have your winter with a dash of summer.
- How old will you have to be to realise that you don't have to do what everyone else is doing? Hmmm?
- Back in the day, one's opinion used to be based on fact, not passion or emotion. Whatever happened to that?
- Instead of counting the things that you have loved and lost, try counting your blessings for instant gratification.
- Ladies, if a man is fingering you, never allow him to use more than three fingers...even if you can take it! You are a woman, a goddess and your vagina is your majesty. Be kind to it.
- Starchy foods such as white bread, white rice and potatoes don't help with weight loss. They fall more under the 'weight gain' category. As do processed sugar and booze. Fuck, I would love to live in a world where woman just don't care about their bodies but I don't. It does exist though! But not in the first world. Here we are surrounded with a abundance of everything and we are suckers to gluttony.
- Eat less white bread and potatoes and read more books. It's all fair and well to look good, but it's useless if you are thick in other senses of the word.
- Stop shopping! Stop consuming! Stop filling your wardrobe up with crappy, throw away fashion. Buy less but buy well and wear often. Focus more on status which comes from consistency and not statements. Get off that consumer treadmill.
- Have you guys worked out your signature dish yet? What is it?
- To honestly love comes from lack of judgement.
- If he has a girlfriend, then leave him alone. Let's bring back the sisterhood!
- Vanilla Ice said it best: Stop, collaborate and listen.
- It's ok to love social media. There is no point in berating yourself over using it because you are now part of something that is just modern life. It is how we communicate and consume information, it has even replaced the television for a lot of us which, in my opinion, is a wonderful thing. The TV is something where you just sit in silence as something barks at you, social media calls for dialogue.
- You need to control how you use social media or it will use you. Your tweets and instagram photos allow people into your views on the world and everything in it. Your facebook feed is practically an archive to your life. You need to decide what your boundaries and standards are and endeavour not to cross them otherwise, someone else will set them for you and that is when you begin to hate the world wide web.
- Smart phones have made us all reachable wherever we are at whatever time of day, this is true. But only if we have it with us. Sometimes it is better to leave your phone in the other room, in your handbag or even better, switched off. You decide when people get to reach you...this will help with your love/hate relationship with modern communication.
- Sometimes it is better to fuck and other times it is better to make love. Yes I said 'make love' - it's not corny, it's tasteful.
- Listen to this
- Salt, pepper and lemon juice can turn fine tasting food into great tasting food. Think about how small these things are and how easy they are to come by. Life is full of small things that can make your days taste better.
- Every woman should own something gorgeous to sleep in.
- Every woman should own at least one dress that makes her feel like Diana Ross in the seventies.
- Every woman should experience an abnormally large penis at least once in her life.
- Every woman should know how to roast a chicken, change a lightbulb, know what is going on under the bonnet of her car, give a decent blow job, take a trip by herself and walk in high heels.
- If you discover that someone has defriended you on facebook (yes, defriended) distract yourself from adding them as a friend again by looking for your dignity in the toilet.
- If you are ordering pasta then you don't need the garlic bread.
- If your pet has a facebook/twitter account then you are giving the impression that you are either unemployed, not getting laid or mentally unstable (yes people do this). I realise that none of these things may be the case but we are talking about how you are perceived here and the internet is all about perception. Delete that shit.
- If you style your hair whilst naked using hot styling tools then you are basically begging life to fuck with you.
- Oven roasted but unsalted almonds are delicious and will do wonders for your complexion. I used to hate almonds too! Try them again and see if you have changed your mind.
- A real man will go down on you
- If you are feeling uninspired you probably need to leave your cave for a bit. Most normal people don't have the money to just drop everything and go on a trip willy nilly, let alone the time you need off work. Therefore, I suggest you explore the city you live in. Do the things you have always 'been meaning to do'.
- If you are finding your ex in the word sex then quit it immediately unless you love drama and head fuckery.
- Wearing make-up will definitely make your life better. It sure as hell won't make it worse!
- Your Converse should always be slightly fucked up. They are meant to look like that! These are the shoes that carry you through life! Walk through puddles! Wear them to gigs and festivals! Paint the house in them! Let them tell your story! Clean chucks are for chumps.
- Before getting dressed in the morning, do your hair and make-up first. That way the clothes will look better when you're trying them on.
- Other people's personal life decisions are not a reflection of you. If a friend tells you he or she has decided to go vegan, start saving money or go travelling, it is not an opportunity for you to reflect on your own life! You can do that later, but at the time just listen and be happy for them.
- Shut up and listen.
- 'and then I was LIKE and then she was all LIKE and I dunno LIKE' let us try and leave out the word 'like' from conversation. Try it! It's fucking difficult.
- The new passive aggressive thing we do is to continue to be present on instagram and twitter when we haven't responded to a text message or taken a call from someone.
- When it comes to anal sex, even if you've done it heaps lie and say you've never done it.
- When you have guests over you should always offer them a refreshment, even if it's just water. What are you? An animal?
- Revelling in the past turns you into a prisoner of your own mind. Be in the now! Look outside, isn't it a beautiful day? What? It's raining? Think about the rainbow that is going to follow! Keep your mind present but keep your wardrobe and iTunes peppered with days gone by.
- Authenticity happens when we think for ourselves. Sometimes you need to turn off the white noise of other people's opinions and go with your gut. You always know. Always.
- You think therefore you am.
Acclaim Magazine have been supporters of Obnoxious Owl right from the early days. Right in the beginning when I was still a baby Owl and venturing in the world of published writing, the folk at Acclaim were always happy to give advice and to give lil 'ol me a chance. When I first moved to Australia I knew no one and I hadn't written a word in years. A career in fashion and a broken heart was all I had which lead me to start pouring my frustrations onto the internet. Obnoxious Owl was born! This blog, this weird little website full of gibberish, has taken me down so many roads and on so many adventures. I sometimes have mild panic attacks when I think 'What if I never started this?' I would never have met the people I now regard as family, I would never have had the opportunities that 18 year old me used to dream about and I probably wouldn't have found myself living in Melbourne. Acclaim Magazine was one of the publications I always wanted to be involved with. Why? Because I related to it. When you open the page of a fresh new mag and you hear that spine crack, you can sense the late nights, the tears, the arguments, the laughs, the hangovers and most of all, the passion. No one in independent media is doing it for the money let me tell you! The people who are at Acclaim are there because they want to be.
So here I am with my very own regular column over on Acclaims brand new website. Sure, I'm not writing about the political situation in Korea or carbon tax...this particular pile of words is about threesomes. And no, I'm not talking from experience, I'm bringing to light the things that aren't a big deal in the grand scheme of things but they are a big deal in our lives. Us privileged bunch who worry about 'is he/she gonna call?' 'am I hot enough?' 'is my dick big enough?' 'my boyfriend is pressuring me into some cray shit in the bedroom' - yeah, there are bigger problems in the world for sure but that fact won't stop us from worrying about all the other bullshit will it?
So read my weekly column SHOOTING FROM THE HIP by Obnoxious Owl on acclaimmag.com and relish in the trivial.
FOR BOYS ONLY
WE DO NOT WAKE UP LOOKING LIKE THIS.
I feel like you have this notion that Scarlett Johansson and Katie Perry wake up looking like they have no pores, have zero body hair and don't indulge in the wonderment that is control underwear...WELL YOU'RE WRONG. They do. And they do it hard. Honey, you lot actually have no idea of how much of this shit is smoke and mirrors hey. Don't get me wrong, to build a fancy house you need a solid foundation. All I'm saying, is that you need to keep your expectations in check OK?
I've told you once and I'll tell you again, if you over use smiley faces then I am here to tell you that you're gay.
WE READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
It's just what we do. I know I know, it ruins everything. But fuck man, we just can't help it. That's why you have to be straight with us. I know you would rather circumcise yourself with a flick knife than hurt a girls feelings which ends up making you feel like the bad guy, but it's in her best interest. She will see it that way eventually.
AND ON THE OTHER HAND...
If you get that she may be into you and you may be feeling somewhat similar, throw her a God damn bone. She reads between the lines, not crystal balls.
I AM ACTUALLY RUNNING OUT OF THINGS TO SAY.
I think my work here is done.
I STARTED THIS BLOG WHEN I WAS 27 AND I SAID IT THEN AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN...USE EYE CREAM.
It dun even have to be expensive! Just get lashing some moisture under your peepers quick smart because those lines are TELL TALE. Eyes, back of your hands and your neck. Start now! Moisturise! Don't leave it. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.
NOW IS THE TIME TO QUIT YOUR WHINING.
Shit just ain't cute. You're supposed to know better, be independent, have a better idea of problem solving, be a woman of the world etc etc. Teenagers and stupid bitches that do the Kardashian baby talk can kinda get away with tantrum throwing and being emotionally unstable so the big, heroic man will come and save them. But seriously, you gotta sort that out as you head into your thirties. More assertive less annoying.
START WORKING OUT.
In you're thirties you are still 'young' but in 10 years time people will start saying things like 'you look so good for your age!' and you know what? You will. If you work out. Now is the time! Get serious. The party is semi over, say bonjour to your twenties and the frivolity and recklessness that went with it, and start thinking about your future! And by future, I mean your looks. Eye cream and the tread mill are your friendsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
AVOID THE TEENAGE PARTIES.
MAINLY because you'll get irritated and whine (refer to 2nd segment of this post) And here's the thing: You are in THEIR world if you are at one of THEIR parties, they don't give a shit if your old ass is there or not so don't huff and puff and get wound up because everyone is so 'childish' and talk about boring shit and their hair for about an hour when you have no place being there in the first place. But when in Rome and all that...so either drink the cheap booze that tastes like candy or take your ass home and put on some eye cream.
IF YOU'RE PUSHING 30 AND YOU ARE SINGLE DO NOT GET A FUCKING CAT.
Laying in bed with your anti wrinkle cream and your cat, watching Sex and the City and wondering whether you're a 'Carrie' or a 'Charlotte' and trying to convince yourself that you don't actually even want to get married is so lame hey. Go rub a different kind of pussy and pop a bottle of vino.
YOU CAN STILL DRESS YOUNG!
Just with a little more decorum is all. Push that boundary because once you cross the line there is no going back. Especially on the right side of 36, you can get away with loads! Just look after your face, that's the give away. I can't stress it enough. So sunscreen, eye cream and get more sleep. Also, avoid 'cute' go for 'hot' or 'sexy' but 'cute' is for the kids and Thai prostitutes.
NOW IS THE TIME TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
Maybe an ex boyfriend fucked you up and you have 'trust issues', maybe your parents were weird and gave you your insecurities and complex's as a kid, maybe you were bullied at school WHO KNOWS, thing is, you can use that as your crutch for only a while, but now you have to go, 'OK sure, this person/situation was a fuck wit in my life, but now it's time to build a bridge, and long jump over it'. Honey, you are about to enter a decade of better self worth, higher self esteem, sexual peak! (apparently). You don't want all that lame ass baggage coming into this new time of your life. Cut it off like the gangrenous limb that it is and free yourself of this shit once and for all. Whatever you don't like, change it. I do hate a cliche, but life really is too short. Like srsly, how quick did 30 come round? Exactly.