LIVE AND LET LIVE.
I'm serious about this hey. You're on your path and folk are on theirs. There is no accounting for taste and variety in the spice of life. Hmmm I wonder if I can fit in another cliche here....oh yeah, people in glass houses should buy a really good window cleaner. Or something.
DO NOT POINT IT OUT.
People didn't even notice that spot on your face or your weird knees or your semi-chubby calves until you pointed them out. They'll be all like, 'Don't be ridiculous!' and laugh but really they'll be thinking, 'Shit, you're right!' So ssshhhh!
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA PRETEND YOU LIKE SOMETHING SO YOU CAN BOND WITH ANOTHER PERSON.
Pretend you like the same kind of music or movie or whatever. Don't go overboard, just agree, nod, smile and be non abrasive. You don't have to pretend to like anal sex though, that's taking things too far.
I WANNA SAY DON'T SLEEP WITH HIM JUST BECAUSE HE IS FAMOUS...
But you're not gonna listen, are you?
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU MAKE A POSITIVE LIFE CHANGE, PEOPLE WILL HATE ON IT. EVEN THOSE CLOSEST TO YOU.
It's not even from a malicious place and often they don't even realize that they are doing it but people are scared as fuck of change. People get used to you being the depressed one, the one with the weight problem, the dependable one that just lives down the road, the single one who is always ready to party, the one in the a relationship who won't be competition when you go out etc - don't get angry, for they know not what they do. Also, do NOT let it deter you from entering a new chapter or making some positive changes in your life. If you are picking up weight and can't get into your clothes and decide to do something about it, IGNORE THE PEOPLE WHO SAY YOU LOOK FINE, because you know you LOOK fine but you don't FEEL fine...and they will never understand that...especially if they have been a size 10 for a minute. If you really like a dude then follow your instinct, listen to what your mates have to say but make your own decisions. Unless he is a crackhead or something, or married...because they probs have a point. All I'm saying is, don't be surprised where your support does/doesn't come from when you decide to do something to improve your life. Change and improvement in others makes people re evaluate their lives and forces them out their comfort zone so they may lash out. But you're all good because now you've been warned. Nod and smile baby.
YOUR GUT IS THE BEST BULLSHIT DETECTOR EVER.
It's built in! But be careful because paranoia can often be disguised as instinct. Life eh? Wish it came with a manual. Oh wait...
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE BEING MEAN TO YOU, IT'S JUST ALL IN YOUR HEAD.
Paranoia is such a cunt hey? It's like the absolute worst when you think one of your friends don't like you because then you assume that everything they do or say is somehow directed at you. Then you react and become all passive aggressive and then everything is shit. Plus then you get your period and pretty much just want to lie in bed and hate the world with the rest of the people on tumblr. But never fear! Wash those demons out of your head and BE COOL. No emotional outbursts please...that's SO 2011.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT 'TOTES AMAZE'?
Saying 'totes amaze'.
LEARN TO SUMMARIZE AND GET TO THE POINT.
This especially applies to when you are telling a person about your dream. Food you can go into detail with though, and maybe outfits. Oh and movies! Keep that shit tight too...we don't need a blow by blow account thanks.
OH MY GOD, HAVE YOU TRIED USING PRAWNS INSTEAD OF CHICKEN IN A CAESAR SALAD?
Dude. It's life changing hey. Plus carb free if you vito the croutons.
FOR EVERY SHIT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE, THINK OF 5 GOOD ONES.
Are you struggling with this? You may need to get out more...
ON A SCALE OF ONE TO LAME, HIRING A LIMO IS LAME.
It's just not chic darling. Plus the 'For Hire' sign at the back just really takes it to non-chic island. Also, there is no way in Hell that you are a person of discerning taste if you have ever considered hiring a Hummer limo, let alone actually following through and doing it. Hummers are a key indicator that wankers are in the area.
STOP SAYING YOU DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED AND YOU'RE HAPPY BEING SINGLE!
You are like one step away from buying a cat and listening to Adele on repeat. Sure, you don't want to look desperate and needy but jaded and cynical is so not your colour. Just be a whatever will be, will be kinda gal. So much more flattering.
LOSING WEIGHT...
Eat less. Move more. Sorry...I wish I had better news.
'TELL YOUR SECRET TO THE WIND. BUT DON'T BLAME IT FOR TELLING THE TREES' - Khalil Gibran
We all like to get a load off and we all like to voice what's going on in our heads and sometimes our hearts because it's nice to hear someone say you're not crazy when you're pretty sure you might be. So sure, babble away, but 99.9% of the time that person will tell someone else and no doubt will embellish a little because they are now 'a source who is a close friend' and therefore have the exclusive on any information you have willingly given them. Sure it's annoying when they share your info and you may be left with a sour taste in your mouth but we live and we learn eh? In love and war, hold your cards close to your chest because at the end of the day, everyone is playing their own game.
HOW GOOD ARE SUNSETS?
Yeah sure they're pretty as fuck but they also draw a line under the day and promise a fresh start in but a few hours. As the guys from Fleetwood Mac would say, 'Don't stop thinking about tomorrow' but also, don't forget to stop and smell the roses. When you watch the sun go down, think about what the future holds, but take in the pretty colours that are happening right before your eyes. Then get drunk.
FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERYTHING.
But don't be a fucking idiot and throw yourself in the fire again.
DON'T BE THAT GUY.
Don't line up for shoes or clothing. They do not maketh the man/lady. It's lame and if someone see's you wearing it they know how you got it and they are laughing at you behind your back. Tickets for gigs are OK though, I'd probably camp for Prince. Live for moments not things because if it's all taken away, you'll be lost and going through yet another identity crisis. Eurgh, remember those?
GET UP EARLY.
Your boss and your anxiety problem will love you for it.
GIRLS. PLEASE STOP TALKING IN FUCKING BABY VOICES.
I think the Kardashians are to blame possibly. Or maybe it's an attempt to make the opposite sex think you are a vulnerable little play thing that needs rescuing (ew) or maybe it's because you're uncle touched you in your special place when you were a little girl? Look I don't know your reasons but cut that shit out.
COPY CAT'S ARE MORE TRANSPARENT THAN THEY SEEM.
We were all blessed with an imagination...an ability to conjure up something great, something wonderful, something unique and relevant to our own personalities. I know that it can sometimes require a lot of energy delivering these things on our own but just biting other people's idea's and and vibes is just plain wack. Yeah, ok if you're into street culture you probably all like sneakers, and if you're an indie kid you probably have a pair of black skinny jeans or two but FUCK think outside the box and find your own personality and aesthetic. It's in there somewhere...I promise.
WRITE.
At the end of every day, write down something good that happened that day. Whether you had a particularly good sandwich, or if you rubbed one out at lunch in the toilets or if you got a promotion. Write it down somewhere. Reflect. Life is good even though the thought of killing yourself sometimes crosses your mind.
IF HE IGNORES THE FIRST MESSAGE HE MAY HAVE JUST MISSED IT...
but if he ignores the second one it means he is rude and spineless. If you send a third message then you should go kill yourself. I mean you may as well, you'll feel that worthless anyway. PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND MOVE ON.
YOU MIGHT WANNA GRAB THE DUDE'S NAME BEFORE YOU START SENDING HIM PICTURES OF YOUR PUSSY.
Just a thought.
GRILLED FISH AND SALAD. STEAK AND SALAD. RIBS AND SALAD. BAKED CHICKEN AND SALAD.
Great for the taste buds and even better for the hips. Plus did you know that avocado helps abdominal weight loss? Yeah I know it's bullshit because we just end up finishing it off with cheesecake and a bottle of wine. When do you think we'll learn that putting certain things in our mouths make us unhappy? Including dick.
STOP BEING SO PRECIOUS WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD.
Try it! Ok maybe you had it when you were 9 or something and you hated it but what, you're like 26 now? Your tastes have changed! Go on, give it a go...I might be your new favourite thing ever! Went out with this guy the other night and he hates pesto...like what the actual fuck? If it's olives or cucumber though I will understand.
YOU KNOW WHO IS TO BLAME FOR MAKING 'SLUT' A DIRTY WORD? WOMEN. THAT'S WHO.
Girls call each other this WAY more than men. If we get a bit jelly when another female looks good in a tight dress? Slut. Our BF thinks some chick who just walked past is hot? Slut. The Kardashians? Sluts. (no really...they are) - seriously ladies, chill out on the 's' word. Even if home girl's vagina is like a 24 hour drive through LIVE AND LET LIVE! So what? She's not hurting anybody (unless her gentleman suitors are married) plus, she is just living the life of equality that our grandmothers and great grandmothers have been fighting for! Although to be fair, I doubt they were burning their bras and chanting 'We will fuck anything with a pulse and will not be judged!' - but you get the picture.
YOU ARE NOT AS FAT AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.
Except for you girls with the back fat who insist on wearing fucking halters. Look honey, it's all about dressing fr your figure. It's the glass half full theory (probs 'cause you drank the other half if it was a milkshake or something) stop tryna hide the shit parts...focus on flaunting the good ones. Instead of focusing on ignoring your enemies, put effort into your good relationships. Praise the good and the bad just melts away. Unless you are actually fat...and if you're actually fat, then you know you are. Stop moping. Quit eating bread and sugar and take the stairs. It literally takes about 10 seconds to indulge in a lifestyle change. But yeah, eat those donuts...they've worked so well for you this far.
GO SAY HELLO.
See someone you like? Go over and say hi. Offer to bye them a drink. Give a coy smile. BUT BEWARE OF GIRLFRIENDS! I'm telling ya, you just never know these days. Just get out of your comfort zone and stop watching/reading 'He's Just Not That Into You'. Rejection is a cunt I KNOW but fuck, you don't not go swimming in the ocean because of sharks do you? What? You do?! Jesus...live a little will ya!
DURING YOUR PERIOD YOU PROBABLY SMELL A LITTLE 'OFF'.
Hygiene bitches. Shower morning and night and use that FemFresh stuff if shits real. Man I know it sucks I KNOW but you have to pay a little more attention. Most of us are such bitches during Flow Season, you don't want to be a smelly one on top of that.
PUT FOOD IN A BLENDER WITH NO LIQUID AND SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES TO BLEND.
Same thing happens in your gut. Moral of the story? Drink water.
JUST THINK IT.
You don't always need to say it. Choose your arguments and think your opinions through...you'll find folk will listen and take you more seriously. But if you can't bite your tongue...
...THEN WRITE IT DOWN.
Keep a journal. Whether it be digital or old school it dun matter, but creating an avenue in which to channel your thoughts will make you more bearable in person. The only reason I still have friends is because I write because CAN YOU ACTUALLY IMAGINE?!
YOUR PARENTS WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.
Its the ciiiiiiiiircle of liiiiife! Don't get frustrated, just accept it. We live in the time of the IN TERRRR NET. We have information coming at us quicker than Britney Spears has deep fried pizza. It's not even that you know better...it's that you know too much. Zip. The. Lip.
SMELL THE ROSES.
I know life feels like we are constantly chasing the carrot. But take time to notice that the carrot that you are currently eating is the one you once were chasing. Get it?
BE MORE SELF AWARE.
Quit cutting people off mid sentence. Quit talking about yourself so much. Quit agreeing to disagree. Just quit. Take a breath. Listen. Refer to point one of this post.
AND JUST LIKE THAT OLD GUY SAID IN THE NINETIES...
Wear sunscreen.
FRIENDS.
Don't pretend to be one. The thing with friends over family is you get to choose them...so they're almost better than family because they are hand picked and nurtured. They don't have to love you regardless and nor you them. Now think of those buddies in your life that make you laugh, feel better about yourself, not out to sabotage and lift you when you're down and pat your back when you're up. Now compare the rest to those guys. It's a no brainer. Trim the fat Owlies...it's almost a new year.
FRENCH MANICURES.
Get rid of them immediately. Like seriously, I can't believe they can even go around calling them 'French' like it's meant to suddenly become chic out of no where. French manicures are about as stylish as a print of the Eiffel Tower from Ikea.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE KISSING THEN YOU PROBABLY WON'T LIKE THE SEX.
Do not let him enter your underwear just because you feel sorry for him or you feel you 'let it go too far so now you can't reverse'. Bull shit. It's all in the kiss...sometimes the banter, but its really the kiss.
YOUR VAGINA IS NOT A DRIVE THRU MCDONALDS.
If homeboy wants a piece he can put some decent time aside. Even if your fling is casual you are still a human being and you are a treat therefore it's 3 courses or nothing. Lay down the law baby girl!
STOP CALLING THE PARTY YOU ARE GOING TO A 'FUNCTION'.
'Last night I went to a work function' - oh God it sounds lame.
DO NOT NEGLECT YOUR AREOLA.
Pluck those fucking errant hairs and put sunscreen on them when you're sun bathing in the buff. A beautiful areola is not to be scoffed at.
Straight up, Imma get straight to it...anal sex.
Nothing new as we have touched on this subject many times, but it seems to be cropping up in conversation a lot lately. Gentleman of modern times have somehow come to the conclusion that this act is on the menu right under handjobs. Now which of you are allowing them to think this to be true is what I want to know? Sure it is less 'taboo' than it once was but seriously hey, this little treat should only be wheeled out for the worthy and as a treat. If we just start giving them the ass willy nilly then homeboys are gonna become jaded and start expecting you to get it on with their alsatian in say 5 to 8 years...let's not spoil them is what I'm trying to say. I mean, they're already making their 'demands' on their preference of bush vs no bush and I fear we are nurturing a bunch of brats.
Hair done, nails done, everything did.
Do not under estimate what a little grooming can do for your self esteem and your mood. Go see your beautician/hairdresser - sorry, 'hair artist' - instead of buying new clothes. It's MUCH more of an investment beleee meee.
It's summer, your face is probably shiny...
Get some powder on that shit OR you can get those little face blotting thingo's
If you are creative, be so with abandon.
Some people will hate it, some people will judge it, some may even be offended. You cannot allow the world we live in to dictate the way you create because then it is not honest or sincere. The minute you start caring what people are going to think or feel in any way constricted or limited...it's over.
He isn't replying/responding/reacting because he doesn't want to.
You can't push these things. You're also probably feeling anxious about it so you're trying to salvage something which is just making you come across as desperate/annoying/crazy. Leave be. You'll speak again one day, and it will be all good and if you don't...well it will probably be because you forgot all about him. Just stop poking the wasp nest though...k babe?
*This advice is not strictly for girls.
GET OUT THE HOUSE.
Staying in and refreshing your facebook page (I see you) ain't gonna make you feel motivated, less likely to procrastinate or make you a better person. Instead cabin fever will make you feel isolated, cause you to over think and honey, you can only masturbate so much until you become a wanker.
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ISN'T TALKING TO YOU, DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU.
They just need space and time out. A little holiday if you will. You know how like when you get sick of hearing a song? Then you don't hear it for ages and suddenly it comes on the radio and you're like, 'I fucking love that song!' Yeah that feeling.
START CHRISTMAS SHOPPING NOW.
I mean it. Because your $$$ are about to be hit hard. Besides the whole present thing, there are all the parties that are about to start cropping up. Plus when you leave shit till late you end up buying dumb stuff out of panic and because you were clueless. I know I know, Christmas has lost its meaning blah blah blah but hey, it still means you have to give a little something to the ones you love. Keep it small and meaningful. Are any of you buying me anything? You should considering how much love I pour into these posts! Well, sometimes more than others BUT STILL...
DO NOT SEND NUDES.
Just don't. Yeah there is the whole 'make sure your heads not in' or making sure your tattoo's aren't showing...whatever. Just don't do it. Even if you are sending them to someone you completely trust, remember that you are only trusting them AT THAT PRESENT TIME and more than likely you probably won't down the track. Please trust Aunty Owl on this one and keep your clothes on. *Covering your areola with owl stickers doesn't count fyi
IF IT'S NOT WORKING...
It's because the other person doesn't feel the same way that you do. End of story.
IT'S SUMMER IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE!
Swimsuit season girls! Carrots are the new chocolate bars...get chomping.
GET RID OF DELUSION.
I'm telling you, getting rid of pre conceived idea's and what you THINK is the truth is way easier than trying to figure out what is actually going on. Delusion leads to failures and broken hearts and all the things that make you want to eat cake and get fat.
HURT LEADS TO BITTERNESS, BITTERNESS LEADS TO ANGER...
And anger leads to acting out and doing dumb shit BUT don't beat yourself up over it too much. We've all been there and we've all been powerless at some stage. We aren't programmed to feel shit all the time, it will pass. So in the meantime hang out with people who make you feel better not worse and do something that makes you happy. Like Kim Kardashian's career, this soon will pass.
IT IS WHAT IT IS.
And never what it is supposed to be. Let this be your mantra and disappointment will be less frequent. Also, some people are just cunts. Remember that.
DO NOT PRESS 'SYNC' IF YOU'RE NOT SURE.
I tell ya, them iPhones are more fucking trouble than they are worth. I am actually more inconvenienced since I've had the damn thing because now people can get at me all the dang time. It's pretty good for instagram though and you know, its fun. But there is no longer an excuse to not replying to emails and that is where it bites you in the ass.
FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES.
It will piss them off.
