Now listen up! When you like something like say um, cheese. That does not mean that you need to suck the fucking life out of it. You don't have to go out and buy cheese clothes and only listen to cheese music and cop a cheese iPhone cover and only ever listen to cheese and hang out with others who are equally as obsessed. You are going to get cheese fatigue and exhaust the very notion of it and before you know it, you will no longer be excited when you see a smattering of it on your pasta or alternatively, you will end up living in a cheese house and no one will ever visit you except for mice. Of course I am using cheese as a stand in for many other things I could have said and on that note...
Nobody needs 457 pairs of sneakers.
Remember to laugh at yourself because you are pretty hilarious.
'Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better' - as someone once said.
Be careful going around calling people a racist. A racist almost always has malicious intent. Usually, people are not racist. They are prejudice. And this prejudice is usually derived from somewhere, usually ignorance but also sometimes anger. That knee jerk reaction will just kick you in the face.
Who likes drugs?! Go easy on them, OK? It is the element of danger that makes them so much fun but be aware that, that element is there.
If you use your phone while you are in the bath or eat soup while you are on your computer you are basically begging the world to fuck with you.
Quit harping on about 'being humble' and 'feeling inspired' and actually act like you have some fucking humility and show that you've been inspired! Actions speak louder than words! Do you kids just ignore all the cliches these days? Is that where we're at?
He isn't calling, texting, facebook messaging, emailing, liking your instagram photos, liking your facebook photos, retweeting you, @'ing you or acknowledging your 'online presence' because he DOES NOT WANT TO. Move on please. Just.move.the.fuck.on.
How about you have a real life conversation with a friend and you both keep your phones in your bag for one whole hour?
Sometimes (or even most times) it is probably in your best interest to remain silent. One often thinks you have to look at the world as though you are watching a movie. Everyone around you are actors telling you a story, and it is your job to be the audience and to do nothing but ponder.
Everyone has an agenda. Nobody does anything without hoping for some kind of result. There is nothing wrong with that but it depends where their agenda stems from. And also, it depends on what a person considers what the definition of 'winning' is.
You should all try to have real plants in your house. Only a bit of Mother Earth could make a dump look cosy.
In life, you will often be distracted from your dreams and sense of self by someone in authority, or someone you actually respect because they have the ability to sway your thinking. It is important to hear them as advice, rather than an order...no matter how bossy they can be. Except of course if it's your boss getting you to do something...such as your job.
We are going too fast. The world is spinning. You do have the ability to slow down though. When you're finished reading this, switch off your computer and go do something else.
Smell the roses.
Girls...if you are feeling tired, unattractive and unenthusiastic about dressing up then you probably need to have some sex. Like you need to be fucked, and you need to be fucked well.
What? You are having sex and you still feel this way? You're doing it wrong.
Put a bit of Malibu in your hot chocolate. Have your winter with a dash of summer.
How old will you have to be to realise that you don't have to do what everyone else is doing? Hmmm?
Back in the day, one's opinion used to be based on fact, not passion or emotion. Whatever happened to that?
Instead of counting the things that you have loved and lost, try counting your blessings for instant gratification.
Ladies, if a man is fingering you, never allow him to use more than three fingers...even if you can take it! You are a woman, a goddess and your vagina is your majesty. Be kind to it.
Starchy foods such as white bread, white rice and potatoes don't help with weight loss. They fall more under the 'weight gain' category. As do processed sugar and booze. Fuck, I would love to live in a world where woman just don't care about their bodies but I don't. It does exist though! But not in the first world. Here we are surrounded with a abundance of everything and we are suckers to gluttony.
Eat less white bread and potatoes and read more books. It's all fair and well to look good, but it's useless if you are thick in other senses of the word.
Stop shopping! Stop consuming! Stop filling your wardrobe up with crappy, throw away fashion. Buy less but buy well and wear often. Focus more on status which comes from consistency and not statements. Get off that consumer treadmill.
Have you guys worked out your signature dish yet? What is it?
To honestly love comes from lack of judgement.
If he has a girlfriend, then leave him alone. Let's bring back the sisterhood!
Vanilla Ice said it best: Stop, collaborate and listen.
It's ok to love social media. There is no point in berating yourself over using it because you are now part of something that is just modern life. It is how we communicate and consume information, it has even replaced the television for a lot of us which, in my opinion, is a wonderful thing. The TV is something where you just sit in silence as something barks at you, social media calls for dialogue.
You need to control how you use social media or it will use you. Your tweets and instagram photos allow people into your views on the world and everything in it. Your facebook feed is practically an archive to your life. You need to decide what your boundaries and standards are and endeavour not to cross them otherwise, someone else will set them for you and that is when you begin to hate the world wide web.
Smart phones have made us all reachable wherever we are at whatever time of day, this is true. But only if we have it with us. Sometimes it is better to leave your phone in the other room, in your handbag or even better, switched off. You decide when people get to reach you...this will help with your love/hate relationship with modern communication.
Sometimes it is better to fuck and other times it is better to make love. Yes I said 'make love' - it's not corny, it's tasteful.
Salt, pepper and lemon juice can turn fine tasting food into great tasting food. Think about how small these things are and how easy they are to come by. Life is full of small things that can make your days taste better.
Every woman should own something gorgeous to sleep in.
Every woman should own at least one dress that makes her feel like Diana Ross in the seventies.
Every woman should experience an abnormally large penis at least once in her life.
Every woman should know how to roast a chicken, change a lightbulb, know what is going on under the bonnet of her car, give a decent blow job, take a trip by herself and walk in high heels.
If you discover that someone has defriended you on facebook (yes, defriended) distract yourself from adding them as a friend again by looking for your dignity in the toilet.
If you are ordering pasta then you don't need the garlic bread.
If your pet has a facebook/twitter account then you are giving the impression that you are either unemployed, not getting laid or mentally unstable (yes people do this). I realise that none of these things may be the case but we are talking about how you are perceived here and the internet is all about perception. Delete that shit.
If you style your hair whilst naked using hot styling tools then you are basically begging life to fuck with you.
Oven roasted but unsalted almonds are delicious and will do wonders for your complexion. I used to hate almonds too! Try them again and see if you have changed your mind.
A real man will go down on you
If you are feeling uninspired you probably need to leave your cave for a bit. Most normal people don't have the money to just drop everything and go on a trip willy nilly, let alone the time you need off work. Therefore, I suggest you explore the city you live in. Do the things you have always 'been meaning to do'.
If you are finding your ex in the word sex then quit it immediately unless you love drama and head fuckery.
Wearing make-up will definitely make your life better. It sure as hell won't make it worse!
Your Converse should always be slightly fucked up. They are meant to look like that! These are the shoes that carry you through life! Walk through puddles! Wear them to gigs and festivals! Paint the house in them! Let them tell your story! Clean chucks are for chumps.
Before getting dressed in the morning, do your hair and make-up first. That way the clothes will look better when you're trying them on.
Other people's personal life decisions are not a reflection of you. If a friend tells you he or she has decided to go vegan, start saving money or go travelling, it is not an opportunity for you to reflect on your own life! You can do that later, but at the time just listen and be happy for them.
Shut up and listen.
'and then I was LIKE and then she was all LIKE and I dunno LIKE' let us try and leave out the word 'like' from conversation. Try it! It's fucking difficult.
The new passive aggressive thing we do is to continue to be present on instagram and twitter when we haven't responded to a text message or taken a call from someone.
When it comes to anal sex, even if you've done it heaps lie and say you've never done it.
When you have guests over you should always offer them a refreshment, even if it's just water. What are you? An animal?
Revelling in the past turns you into a prisoner of your own mind. Be in the now! Look outside, isn't it a beautiful day? What? It's raining? Think about the rainbow that is going to follow! Keep your mind present but keep your wardrobe and iTunes peppered with days gone by.
Authenticity happens when we think for ourselves. Sometimes you need to turn off the white noise of other people's opinions and go with your gut. You always know. Always.
The art of being cool. It is innate and cannot be bought. To be cool is to have more character than you do shoes and more integrity than you do nice cars and more compassion than visits to the hairdresser.
There is something a little wrong with you if you don't like Fleetwood Mac
In times of strain you will probably be more surprised who doesn't jump to your aid than who does.
If times are tough get a second job, work hard and sell what you don't need. A better excuse for not being able to go out is 'I can't I'm working' than 'I can't I'm broke'
Dried figs, almonds and cheese eaten together is extremely delicious
Call your mum
The things that are making you unhappy in life are completely within your control, See #8
FML = Fuck My Life. Why would we say that? Let's all agree to stop saying it. What you put out into the world via your mouth is usually what you get back and being all FML about everything makes you sound ungrateful. It's not funny anymore.
Some girls need other girls (even sometimes their own friends) to be lesser than they could be in order to feel better about themselves. Is it you?
Sometimes all you want to do is stay in with a bottle of wine, watch teen movies from the nineties and paint your toenails on a Friday night and that is just fine. Just don't let it be every Friday night.
I will never stop repeating what I have to say right now: Never ever put your self worth second and a boy first. Not even a boy, it can be anybody but we mainly do it when our knickers are wet so I say boys. If you are out with your friends and having a good time you don't need to jump when he says so. In fact, put your phone away. Don't be the ball and chain, be the women who has a life! A mysterious creature! A fireball of fun! An independent lady!
Get off your phone.
Everyday is like a movie that you don't know the ending of. Unpredictability is what keeps things interesting.
Clean your room and change your sheets regularly. If you are doing it less than once a fortnight then you are doing it wrong you big grubby so and so!
Accept compliments! Even if you don't think you deserve it. If someone gives you a present on your birthday do you say 'Ah I'd rather not have this, could you take it back?' No. No you don't. Say thank you when someone compliments you. It's a present made out of words.
Going through a break up? I swear to God you will be fine. Just don't over eat and get fat like I did.
We gossip about people because we think it gives us power. By talking about someone else it draws the attention away from all the bullshit that we do. Don't get it twisted though...there is talking about someone with someone else because you are unsure of them and often you can come out of a conversation like this with a better opinion of said person. Then there is having a third party conversation with someone else with malice intent. The power of words! If you put out negativity then it will come back on you. If you trust me on nothing else then just trust me on this one.