IF IN DOUBT, DON'T SEND THAT MESSAGE.
You know that pang in your chest of self doubt when you go to drop the 'hey'. With 'pang' is just a nice, short way of saying 'put the phone down you desperate whore'.
NO YOU DO NOT NEED THE GARLIC BREAD AS WELL.
I know you think you've been working hard, or you've been stressed, or the guy you're cruising has been a cunt and you 'deserve' it but you are only going to feel worse afterwards. Like WAY worse. Fight the urge to purge! SAY IT WITH ME GIRLS!
WITH EVERY MAN YOU ENCOUNTER, YOU ARE TO TEACH THEM SOMETHING NEW.
Do NOT unleash them to the rest of us without telling them they kiss like a wet pop, that your clit is not in your groin, that maybe using teeth on our nipples isn't ideal, and our ass is only for those that hold the golden ticket. Man, every time I cop a dude over the age of 25 who dun know what he's doing I curse the day any female he has ever been with was born!
WHEN YOU NEED TO INTRODUCE SOMEONE AND YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN THEIR NAME JUST INTRODUCE THE PERSON WHOSE NAME YOU DO KNOW FIRST AND THEN THE OTHER WILL JUST AUTOMATICALLY INTRODUCE THEMSELVES.
This has a 90% success rate.
THE VIETNAMESE GIRLS IN THE NAIL SALON ARE DEFINITELY TALKING ABOUT YOU.
But dude, they are scraping the dead skin off your feet and massaging your hands. Allow them please.
IF YOU MUST SEND NAKED PHOTOS, THEN AT LEAST MAKE SURE YOU ARE SENDING ORIGINALS.
Please don't tell me you have reserve photos in your phone tank to send out to whomever asks PLEASE. Are you actually fucking crazy? Dude. That sucks. I mean, how would you feel if you got a stock dick photo that like 6 other girls got? Yeah not so good huh? So no face in the shots, no tattoo's in the shots and delete once sent. It does, after all, become their property. Scary thought.
FOR BOYS ONLY
ALWAYS ASK
It's not OK to try and go for the er...other hole without asking first . Neither is it OK to say you won't cum in her mouth and then you do. Don't be such a sadistic bastard. Half the thrill is making her beg for it surely?
YOU SHOULD ALWAYS WALK STREET SIDE.
Haven't you ever watched old movies? What if there's a puddle and a car drives past and splashes her? THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS!
WHEN IT COMES TO ROMANCE, BE OLD FASHIONED.
Flowers, chocolates and the age old favorite...calling when you say you will.
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS?
If like before you...you know...ejaculated, you put your thumb over the tip of your penis and pretend that you won a Formula 1 race! She'll TOTALLY see the funny side. Or maybe not. I dunno. Do whatever.
REPLY.
Unless of course she is a mentalist and you have firmly and matter of factly told her 'do not contact me you crazy animal'. No replies to innocent messages just make her feel pissed off, shit about herself and anxious. And girls who are reading this: A non reply means that you are absolutely not a priority in his life in the slightest and the fact of you being pissed off that he didn't respond does not bother him at all and it's really not his problem that you are hung up. Don't get mad. Get laid. By somebody else.
T-SHIRT BY FRANCESCO NATHAN
SENDING NUDES - Sure do it. But leave your head out and avoid any tattoo's. Also, if you send them to a bonehead expect said bonehead to let shit 'leak'. You can't get angry with him though, it's not his fault that he is a bonehead. Or just post them yourself on tumblr before he can OR just keep your clothes on.
SOMETIMES NOT HAVING THE LAST WORD IN A TEXT MESSAGE IS THE LAST WORD - Actually it's every time.
WHEN YOU ASK A BOY WHERE HE LIVES AND THE SENTENCE ENDS IN 'AT THE MOMENT'... - ... homeboy is DEFS still living with his parents.
HATING ON OTHER BITCHES IS SO NINETIES - We live in a time where girls are actually beginning to find some self confidence and love themselves. Eurgh, who actually gives a shit if you have always styled yourself on Beyonce and Mary Kate Kardashian and now your best friend does the same? You're young and beautiful go be FREE and be less of a bitch. OK?
THE SKIN UNDER YOUR EYES IS MEGA THIN - Don't rub them! What the fuck are you doing?! Look after your face you idiot.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU LIKE SOMEONE? - You are always annoyed with them. Chill out! They never asked you to put them on that pedestal. FRANKIE SAYS RELAX!
FOR BOYS ONLY
WE ARE MORE MANIPULATIVE THAN YOU CAN EVER BEGIN TO IMAGINE - It all started when your mum told you that eating all your carrots will make you see in the dark. Or when she made 'choo choo' noises with your food and pretended the brussel sprout was a train and your mouth the tunnel. Wherever you look, there is a female 'innocently' convincing you to do something. Some of you turn into cunts and become uber defiant and others doormats. My only advice is for you to know your enemy and pick your arguments.
DON'T OVER DO THE EMOTICONS IN YOUR TEXT MESSAGES - It is SUCH a clit killer dude. Like srsly. Also, if you want the text convo to become a sext convo, then build up to it. Don't be all Seedy Mcgee after just 3 messages.
I DON'T KNOW WHY SOME OF YOU ARE WEARING TOP KNOTS AND HANDBAGS BUT I HOPE IT FUCKING ENDS SOON. - That's all.
IF YOU CAN'T GET IT UP, ITS ACTUALLY NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL - The cringe part is when you make a big deal out of it. It happens! Chill the fuck out. Lay back. Play with her pussy. Stop thinking about it so much. Don't let your brain have all the blood that your dick needs. Sometimes we fanny fart and sometimes you can't get a stiff breeze. It's Gods way of showing us we're only human.
PLEASE DON'T ORDER HOT CHOCOLATE WHEN YOU GO OUT FOR COFFEE WITH A GIRL- It is BEYOND lame. I know some people don't like coffee (its embarrassing) but please don't smear salt in the decaffeinated wounds by ordering hot chocolate. Order tea rather if you really can't handle the bean but hot chocolate drinkers who are dudes that hide behind calling it 'lets go out for coffee' probably listen to James Blunt and/or Coldplay.
DON'T BE A DUMB BITCH AND FALL PREGNANT TO HANG ON TO HIM - It ain't fair to a number of people, but namely the unborn child who doesn't deserve to be some kind of desperate glue to keep two people together who really probably shouldn't be. Plus, having a kid in this kind of situation is like having a souvenir from a bad holiday, except you can't put it in the attic or throw it away. Also, when you 'trick' a guy into making you pregnant, it's bad for the female image and it also makes you a bit of a bitch.
DON'T GO ON WEB CAM IF HE ASKS - He doesn't really wanna see you, he just wants to see if he is able to get you to do it. Please don't flatter him.
TRY NOT TO BE SO TRANSPARENT - When you pretend to like football, English Premier League, certain music, NBA and various other boy stuff just to get boys attention, THEY ALWAYS KNOW. Once in primary school, I pretended to really be into marbles...then I had to start playing...turns out, I was actually pretty good...some might say 'highly talented' and I won heaps of tournaments. So yeah, maybe that ain't a good example. But you know what I mean, and you know who you are.
IF YOU ARE GIVING HIM A HAND JOB AND IT IS BONE DRY, NOT EVEN A BIT OF PRE CUM TO HELP LUBE THE SITUATION, YOU MAY HURT HIM - And he is not enjoying it. There is no shame in spitting on his dick. Trust me. He'll like it.
A DUDE WHO LIKES YOU, WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU HANGING ON FB CHAT/MSN/SKYPE/TEXTING - If he ain't replying/responding yes it does mean he is busy...too busy to speak to you. It's no big deal though, move right along and for fucks sake, don't send the 'Hey, did you get my last message?' CRINGE CRINGE GO KILL YOURSELF CRINGE
REMEMBER HOW YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GROWN UP?- Guess what?! It's happening. Now grow the fuck up.
KICK IT OLD SCHOOL AND GET YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS DEVELOPED - And make real life actual albums! And remember, snaps of your holiday are only interesting to YOU...much like your dreams. Trim the fat on the boring blow by blow details...i.e. 'This is us waiting for a cab' and 'This is us in a cab' - don't beige others to tears please.
IT SHOULDN'T HURT WHEN HE FUCKS YOU - I mean sometimes it might, like if he has an unusually large dick for example...but then...how often does that happen? Exactly. It may hurt slightly if you haven't had a wee and you have a full bladder. But generally it should feel pretty wonderful. You know your own body girl, so you know if something is a little 'off', ya know? Sort it out.
REMEMBER: WIPE FRONT TO BACK - Can't believe I have to tell you this shit.
YOU DID NOT COME UP WITH YOUR STYLE ALL ON YOUR OWN - You KNOW you took inspo from mags/movies/music vids/people on the street. Don't be claiming shit that ain't yours then get angrified when people take inspiration from YOU. If you have mad style, then people will copy. The trick is to keep it fresh...and hard to keep up with. People can tell whether its original or not...belee dat.
FACEBOOK CHAT IS RUBBISH FOR SEX CHAT - It has technological AIDS. Skype is way better...do not underestimate the 'muscle man' emoticon and the never fail 'horny devil'. For instance.
YES CONVERSE DO MAKE YOUR FEET LOOK SLIGHTLY LONGER - But everyone knows they do, so its not like everyone is gonna think that you have canoes for feet, you get me?
SOMETIMES, IN A WORLD FULL OF SOCIAL NETWORKS, TEXTING GAMES, TO 'X' OR NOT TO 'X' AND GENERAL MODERN PARAPHERNALIA, YOU GOTS TO KEEP THE DATING GAME CLASSIC IF YOU REALLY LIKE THE PERSON - i.e. Don't fuck on the first date. Wrist jobs are ok though.
Up the bum means no babies xx
FOR BOYS ONLY
OWN AT LEAST ONE SUIT
It needs to fit perfectly and make you look like James Bond. It needs to not be polyester. Your mum shouldn't have helped you buy it when you were 17 for your year 12 ball. The sleeves should not cover knuckles. A velvet suit can be hot...jus sayin
IF YOU PUT YOUR FINGER IN OUR BUM AND DON'T SPIT ON IT OR LUBE IT UP SOMEHOW, IT WILL HURT.
You bastard.
MAKE IT FEEL AS IF YOU ARE GOING TO RAPE US
But then don't. I'm not saying rape is cool, rape is bad. But to most girls, the feeling of danger is a total turn on. If you are a girl, and you have been genuinely raped and you're reading this, I'm sorry. But I'm not deleting this, because its the truth.
STOP DESCRIBING GIRLS AS 'STARFISH' WHEN THEY JUST 'LAY THERE'
Ever thought that you may be a 'dud fuck' arsehole? She was prolly just bored.
IF YOU READ A TEXT MESSAGE, AND THEN QUICKLY PUT YOUR PHONE IN YOUR POCKET AND DART A LOOK OVER AT YOUR MISSUS, SHE WILL BE SUSPICIOUS
Stop being a wanker and tryna turn your girl into some kinda psycho just so that you a) feel needed and b) can get into a 'who has the most psycho girlfriend' debate with your friends. We're onto you.......
IF YOU HAVE LONG HAIR, WEARING IT IN A BUN IS NOT A GOOD LOOK
Who do you think you are? Mr Miyagi some shit?
Love you x
FOR BOYS ONLY - A BIT OF A SHOUT OUT
I always seem to be having bit of a go...so here's a bit of a 'thanks for that' - this is for the fellas who know what they are doing....x
THANK YOU FOR KNOWING THE RIGHT INTENSITY IN WHICH TO SQUEEZE OUR NIPPLES - There is a fine line between pain and pleasure and you totally get it. We heart you.
THANK YOU FOR NOT OVER GROOMING - You understand that you only basically need to smell nice and to be dressed in such a way that is not contrived and your clothes are clean. You are so hot.
THANK YOU FOR PRETENDING NOT TO NOTICE OUR FANNY FARTS - You totes understand that our vagina's are like little caves and can trap air, so when something is plunged into them it causes the air to escape. You are mature enough to know it's not real and you are gentleman enough to ignore it. Thank you for not being a dick!
THANK YOU FOR NOT BEING A PUSSY - Those of you that know how to be a MAN without being a neanderthal are most appreciated. Just letting you know.
THANK YOU FOR BEING SENSITIVE TO THE FACT THAT WHEN ANOTHER GIRL COPIES OUR STYLE IT PISSES US OFF - We already know it's petty...and you understand that girl politics is best left to girls. Look at you being all understanding and shit...naww 
THANK YOU FOR SPITTING ON OUR AREA WHEN WE ARE NO LONGER...UM, MOIST - Fuck you're hot.
THANK YOU FOR NOT LIKING STUPID MUSIC SUCH AS 'ART VS SCIENCE' - We adore you.
THANK YOU FOR TUGGING OUR HAIR BACK WITH THE RIGHT COMBINATION OF STRENGTH AND GENTLENESS - Of course we'll take it in the bum!
THANK YOU FOR BRUSHING YOUR TEETH - You have no idea what we have to put up with usually.
THANK YOU FOR REPLYING TO OUR TEXT MESSAGES WITHOUT MAKING US FEEL LIKE WE ARE NAGGING BITCHES - Your mama taught you right.
THANK YOU FOR KNOWING WHEN WE WANT TO BE RAVISHED LIKE A DIRTY WENCH, AND WHEN A SOFT LITTLE FUCK WILL DO - You say all the right things...
THANK YOU FOR BEING SO DELICIOUS X
YOU DON'T WANNA BE BRINGING OUT ALL YOUR TRICKS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE SEX - Easy does it tiger. Why watch the whole show if all the good things happen in the beginning?
TOTES LOOK INTO SOME KIND OF 'FEM FRESH' PRODUCT DURING YOUR PERIOD - Why do you even have to be told to sort your life out during these fuck show days? And remember, if you think you're finished...you probs aren't. Give it another day before you get back to your normal daily activities.
DON'T CALL SOMEONE WHO IS WAY OLDER THAN YOU 'MATE' OR 'DARLING' - I seriously wouldn't blame them if they pistol whipped you hey. I mean fuck, I want to punch those little teens who try to act all pal pal with me. Prolly 'cause I'm jealous of their youth and vitality. But mainly 'cause it's irritating.
DRINK THAT WHOLE BOTTLE OF RED - It's good for you.
DO NOT SEND 'THAT' MESSAGE - i.e. 'Why haven't I heard from you?' or 'Why don't you want to speak to me?' or 'Have you been getting all my messages?' CRINGE! Stop ruining your life. If he likes you it means he'll think about you which means he'll message you. Otherwise, let it be. Face facts. It does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It does not mean that there is anything wrong with him either. Some things just don't happen. Welcome to life.
DON'T OVER APOLOGIZE - If you are like me, then you will over analyse the situation thus become more paranoid than a junkie which means you may try to over compensate. Don't. It does nobody any good and it makes you look weak.
TRY NOT TO ASSUME OR PRESUME - Take every moment, person, experience as it comes. You have no idea how many people you are cutting off or things you won't experience because of misguided presumptions. However, this does not mean throw all caution to the tornado. Read the 'how to spot a knob end' post. Plenty of assumption is going on up in there.
YOU SHOULD DEFS RING YOUR NAN EVERY NOW AND THEN - Don't neglect old people. They've lived it, done it and bought the fucking tshirt. Their lives have been in vain if we don't take lessons from them.
DON'T MESSAGE HIM - Put your damn phone down. Chill out. It's all good. It will work out if it's meant to.
POLYESTER KNICKERS WILL GIVE YOU THRUSH - What are you trying to do here? Who even makes this shit? Men. That's who.
NOT EVERYONE IS BITING YOU - Come on! You ain't THAT original. We all got the idea from somewhere.
