Or you could even read older posts of Obnoxious Owl xx
SINGLETS AND TANK TOPS ARE NOT 'GOING OUT' ATTIRE - Yes yes, your muscles look very lovely, but could you please stop tryna compete with the bitches with the barely there tops? It's just all way to much pectoral muscles for one evening.
AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT - PLEASE LOSE THE 'FUNNY' SLOGAN T-SHIRTS - I once saw this guy wearing a shirt that had a picture of a dog on it with the words 'Pussy Chaser' emblazoned above it. I'm guessing homeboy had a wank on his own that night, and used said t-shirt to mop up after himself.
ONLY TEENAGERS AND BOYS THAT THINK THEY ARE MEN SEND TEXT MESSAGES - Call her for God's sake.
DON'T ASK HER TO SEND YOU DIRTY PHOTOS - It's just all a bit strange. Try youporn.com - tell 'em I sent ya.
THE WORST THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GIRL WITH PMS ... 'WHAT'S UP? HAVE YOU GOT YOUR PERIOD OR SOMETHING?' - It is also the worst thing you can say to a girl if she is just in a bad mood. Don't make us want to kill you. Just don't.
TRY NOT TO ROLL OVER IN THE MORNING AND PROD US IN THE BACK WITH YOUR MORNING GLORY - Seriously. Just ask instead of poking us in the back with your willy like you are all manly with your big stick stoking the fire.
CHOOSING TITS OVER SUBSTANCE WILL BITE YOU IN THE ASS IN THE END - Those boobies will drop eventually, and when they do, you best hope she has more beer than foam going on in her head to keep you interested. And don't think that you can just go out and find some new tight ass, because a lot of things on you would have dropped by then as well.
THE FOLLOWING THINGS WOULD MAKE YOU A CHEATER: Sex texting another girl - better know as 'sexting', sending raunchy emails, asking another girl to send you raunchy emails and photos, phone sex, hitting on another girl when you are out and asking for her phone number and then sexting her and arranging to meet up - even if you don't meet up, you have been intimate. So just because you didn't get any pussy, doesn't mean you ain't a bad guy. So screw you and your fucking loop holes.
The last one goes for girls as well, don't worry...I'm always telling them off too x
IF SOMEONE IS UNABLE TO MAKE OUT YOUR CHARACTER, THEY WILL LOOK AT YOUR FRIENDS
Just like your clothes, your apartment, your hairstyle etc your friends are an extension of you. It is a very accurate ruler to measure what someone is like by the kind of people they attract or the kind of people they are attracted to. Yeah yeah yeah we shouldn't judge, but in reality, we all do. On one level or another.
HOLD UP ON THAT FOUNDATION GIRL
I swear to God, young teenage girls single handily keep the cosmetic industry in business with the amount of foundation they pack onto their young, fresh faces. As you get older you definitely start to wear less or maybe you are just able to afford better brands, I don't know. The thing is, the more you wear, the more you make people curious as to what is going on under all that gunk. Sometimes it is smeared on so thick you could probably write your name in it with your fingernail. I think when you are younger you tend to stand closer to the mirror than is absolutely necessary, so obviously you will see the odd flaw or two, but in reality, is that really how close you stand in front of people? Unless you're a creep. Listen my petals, you only need a little. And maybe spend a bit more on a product that will give you some coverage but won't look like you've used a roller to put it on? You need the right colour too, and you need to blend it into your jaw line. How many girls do you see with a different colour face compared to the rest of their body? Yeah, you know who you are. If you pour cement over weeds, they will still grow through.
I AM A BIG BELIEVER IN BUTTONS
I know. Random right? The next time you are at a school fete or car boot sale, look for those little old ladies who are selling things out of their sewing kits and rummage for some unusual buttons. If you are in a second hand store, look for interesting buttons on shirts, even if the shirt is tacky - buy it for the buttons. Go to your nearest haberdashery and find some winners there too. (I do have a point here, just give me a chance) Now you know that very uninteresting jacket that you haven't worn in ages? Put some new dope buttons on to it to breathe some fresh life into it. The most boring beigest item can look uber fresh with some interesting accessories attached to it. It's the icing on the cake. I once had this little black cotton blazer that was super cute but it had some nasty black plastic generic buttons, I replaced them with new ones that were big gold lion faces. Voila! Tres chic non?
IF YOU FINALLY WORKED UP THE COURAGE TO MESSAGE YOUR CRUSH AND HE REPLIES WITH A 'WHO'S THIS?' - IT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN
The dude didn't even think it was worth saving your number! Do not even reply to a 'who's this?' message unless you are replying with 'your mum'. Your phone number should be regarded the same as the winning lottery numbers...anyone who gets it, should consider themselves a lucky mother fucker.
LISTEN TO 'FOALS'
A wonderful band from Oxford, England. Get excited.
FOR BOYS ONLY
WE ACTUALLY NOTICE WHEN YOU ARE RE ARRANGING YOUR BALLS
Could you stop doing that in public please? How would you like it if we went around sticking our hands down our trousers in front of you? Actually never mind, you would love that.
MAKE YOUR LADY A MIXED TAPE
Like in the good 'ol days. Except this time round it'll be a CD. It's not gay, it's sweet.
YOU DO NOT ALWAYS NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN SOME SORT OF FIGHT TO PROVE YOUR MANLINESS
Seriously, that dude spilt his beer on you by accident. Do you really think he would spend $8 on a beer and then pour it all over you when he could have just stuck to water? When it is crowded people bump into each other. Sure it's annoying but it's even more annoying when some fuckwit makes the whole situation about him and throws all his toys out the cot. Keep it together man.
IT IS COMMON COURTESY THAT YOU LIE IN THE WET PATCH
It's part of you anyway! Then again, I'll lie in it if I want to show how much you mean to me, but don't count on it.
IT'S OK TO CRY DURING A SAD MOVIE
It's only human.
THROWING GIRLY LITTLE TANTRUMS IS NOT SEXY HONEY
Get angry, sure, but sulking and going all 'moody' on us just makes us want to vomit.
DO NOT TRY TO SEND US MMS PICTURES OF YOUR MANHOOD
You really are the only one who thinks it is the most spectacular thing ever. If you love it that much, instead of sending us pictures of you squeezing the base in order to make it appear larger, why don't you go knit it a little hat?
AVOID WHITE LEATHER DRESS SHOES
The only time these are acceptable are if you are in the Navy. Otherwise the only other time is...wait...no no, there is no other time.
BE CAREFUL OF HOW YOU ARE PORTRAYED ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB
So let's get this straight. Your by line on your Myspace page says, 'HI-LIFE,RIDE-LIFE,RICH-LIFE,BITCH-LIFE [[fuck the pretenders, EARN RESPECT]]' next to a photo of you dressed in your knickers taken by yourself in the mirror of mummy and daddy's en suite bathroom? Do you understand the word 'I.R.O.N.I.C' - or do I have to explain it to you? Yup, thought so. The irony of this little situation is that you want to be respected yet you are acting like an online slut bag. Clear enough for ya? I have seen many a profile of individuals which give the illusion (and believe me, it IS an illusion) of being this independent, creative and sexual being, yet in real life I know them to be quiet as a mouse, still living at home and are just your bog standard wall flower. Instead of figuring out html code, building your account on photobucket and taking angle shots of your boobies go out and get a life. And if you absolutely must take those photos of you in the mirror, make sure you've cleaned it after squeezing your spots.
DO NOT BE SCARED TO GO TO THE MOVIES ON YOUR OWN
I swear there is something liberating about it. It's like you are just having a moment with the story and yourself. Don't tell anybody you are going, switch your phone off and forget about everything for 2 hours. No one in the entire world will know where you are or what you are doing for those few hours. There is a certain dignity to it.
DON'T SEND NAUGHTY PHOTOS OF YOURSELF OR VIDEO'S
These things have the habit of biting you in the ass. OF COURSE the dude is going to show his friends, why the hell wouldn't he? What makes you so special? If he is asking for them, trust me, he has bad intentions. Just don't do it.
FIND YOUR SIGNATURE SCENT
People never forget a smell.
GET A PAP SMEAR, HAVE YOUR BOOBS CHECKED FOR WEIRD LUMPS AND IF YOU MESS AROUND WITH A BOY - GET AN HIV TEST
Welcome to the 21st century sweetie. You just sound stupid when you say you are creeped out by having your nether regions checked. This little thing we have called life is fragile. Sometimes when you are feeling really sad you may feel like dying, but if you're being honest, you love being alive and you love everyone around you (most of the time). Choose life and be healthy honey bun x
DON'T MAKE PEOPLE TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES WHEN THEY VISIT YOU
Who the flying frikkin fudge do you think you are exactly?! Do you not own a vacuum cleaner? Do you think you live in Buckingham Palace or something? Some people might have weird feet and might not want you to see them, and now you have just made your guest feel all uncomfortable and stuff. (NOTE: I do not have weird feet! It's just a 'for instance'). It is possibly THE most pretentious thing to ask of someone, and if you ask me I wont do it. I just wont.
GET A BRAZILIAN.
Sure it hurts more than a Chinese burn and can be somewhat pricey, but once you've had it, there is no going back. And really, hair is SO five years ago.
PICK SOMEONE. DON'T GET PICKED.
I stand by this. You aren't a vegetable for sale, that needs to be checked for ripeness and quality...you do the prodding thank you. You picking up what I'm putting down?
IF THERE IS NO REPLY AFTER 2 MESSAGES, THEN STOP TEXTING.
No he hasn't lost his phone, no it's not because he doesn't have any phone credit and no his battery is not flat. He just doesn't want to reply. Move on and forget the lame ass.
TELL YOUR MUM AND DAD YOU LOVE THEM.
Seriously, it makes them super happy. But only say it if you mean it, don't say it just because you have an ulterior motive. That makes you a wanker.
TAKE LOADS OF PHOTOS OF EVERYTHING.
You'll wish you had. The beauty of photography is that it captures a moment that not even the mind can hold forever.
DE CLUTTER YOUR LIFE OF DICKHEADS.
Don't worry, they probably mean alot to someone else, so don't feel too guilty about kicking them to the curb. Do it nicely mind you, otherwise YOU are the dickhead.
DRINK RED WINE.
It makes you look sophisticated. But watch the stain on your teeth and lips, not chic baby.
EVERY MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR FASHION.
Ya never know whom you are gonna bump into and if people are gonna judge you, let them judge something fabulous.
Learn it. Live it. Love it.
IF HE IS NOT ANSWERING YOUR CALLS NOR REPLYING TO YOUR TEXT MESSAGES ITS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO.
Yes, this is a hard fact to face. Rejection is like a big icy wind slapping you in the face, it sucks giant balls and makes you feel disposable. But the guys a douche and why bother stroking his ego when you could be stroking something else? Move on and delete him from facebook.
EATING LESS THAN 2000 CALORIES A DAY WILL MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT.
This shit is the Gospel. Forget the soup diets, the shake diets and the no eating diets...you can't do those forever. Calorie counting is the way forward. If you burn more than you consume you lose weight. It's that basic. By calorie counting, you are not depriving yourself of anything fabulous. You can have that slab of chocolate, but you will have to accept that that is probably all you can eat that day. Portion control baby...PORTION CONTROL. Listen to me...I've lived it and learnt it.
START PUTTING MONEY ASIDE AS SOON AS YOU START EARNING.
You will thank me for this. Being broke is possibly the worst feeling in the fucking universe. Well, that and not having any replies to your text messages. Don't make your head the bulls eye on the dartboard that is life.
LISTEN TO THE TEMPER TRAP .
It is like they are making love to your ears.
CLEAN THE MOULD OFF YOUR SHOWER CURTAIN AND THE GROUTING OF YOUR TILES.
If you don't then you are disgusting and people judge you by the cleanliness of your bathroom.
DON'T WEAR BEIGE.
Beige is not a colour...it's a lifestyle choice.
GO ON HOLIDAY SOMEWHERE ELSE OTHER THAN BALI.
There is a big wide world out there. Buy a globe and check the mother fucker out.
FOR GODS SAKE, DON'T WEAR WHITE TO A WEDDING.
That shit is just whack.
BE HAPPY WITH YOUR OWN COMPANY.
Nobody likes a clingy or needy girlfriend/sister/friend. You just piss people off and they pity you. You were given a brain, a few talents and the ability to be independant - it really is a true sin if you don't make use of these things.
PUT SOME SLAP ON.
Nobody can look natural without a bit of make-up. Oh the irony.