SOMETIMES IT IS PERFECTLY FINE TO DRINK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WINE ON YOUR OWN
It’s when it turns into a case of wine every single week that it becomes a problem. There is something quite wonderful about indulging in an entire bottle of red whilst listening to some tunes and just getting wonderfully wasted all on your own. Heck I’m doing it as I type this. I highly recommend TV on the Radio, The Strokes or The Velvet Underground for your listening pleasure.
MASTURBATE FOR AGES AND AGES
OK, this is how you need to do it. Get comfortable and look sexy, yeah you are on your own, but you ARE about to have sex with someone you truly love after all. I recommend lying in a sort of up right position with loads of pillows under your head. Make sure you tease yourself a bit first, you would get annoyed with a man if he just went for the in and out so why should you? You need to imagine your sexiest scenario…anything you want, don’t hold back. You should never judge other peoples fantasy’s. Some might enjoy the thought of a man pumping away at her while he wears her underwear…um, I’m just saying some people, I er…I don’t actually KNOW anyone who might like this. Kinda. You need to take a few hours out of your Sunday afternoon and have some precious ‘me’ time. Figure out for yourself what you like and what feels good. It will make you a better teacher.
PULL A SICKIE
You need to be sensible here. If you do it on a Monday, a Friday or the day before or after a public holiday it looks suss. You also need to be feeling a little ‘poorly’ the day before, like you need to feel a bit run down and have a ‘searing headache’ coming on. Then when you call in, speak to your boss directly. Put on a little wimpy sound and a slight cough wouldn’t fucking go amiss either. The next day, when you return to work, you will have to be somewhat run down too. Lose the eyeliner maybe…and the blusher for good measure. OK, so you’ve done it. Now spend the day wisely. Stay off facebook, in fact, stay away from the Internet and turn your phone off. Have a shower, make something indulgent like pancakes with loads of maple syrup and blueberries, put your favourite back to back box set on the DVD player and veg the fuck out. You can’t do this too often mind you for 2 main reasons, 1) nobody likes a slacker; and 2) you will get a fat ass.
GO TO AN ART GALLERY/THE MUSEUM/OR A MOVIE ALL ON YOUR OWN
Buy a travelling cappuccino (aka ‘takeaway coffee’) and get involved in some culture. It’s beyond liberating and it’s totally inspiring. Plus, it sounds ultra sophisticated when you get asked, ‘So, what did you do on Saturday?’…’Oh, I just caught that exhibit at the blahdy blah’ … ‘Oh rad, who did you go with?’ … ‘Oh just myself’. How cool are YOU!
BUY YOURSELF FLOWERS
They look and smell nice and they will cheer you up.
CLIMB A TREE WITH A FRIEND
Then sit up there and smoke a joint. Note: Obnoxious Owl is not condoning drug use, but this is a realists blog, and realists smoke doobies from time to time.
PUT YOUR FAVOURITE ALBUM ON REALLY LOUDLY AND LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR BATHROOM
Primp, Pluck and Pamper. Get rid of all body hair. Apply some self tan. Wash and deep condition your hair. Do a face mask. Paint your nails AND toe nails. Rub body lotion all over yourself, even your tits. Your body is your temple apparently, praise it.
GET SUPER DRESSED UP, GRAB THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOURSELF AND HIT THE TOWN
Now, I don’t mean get dressed up like a tramp, get sozzled on cheap booze and look like something that lines a birdcage by 4 o’clock in the morning. I mean put on that frock that makes you feel confident and makes your tits look great. Indulge in the most expensive cocktails that taste amazing and make you look chic for drinking them – (I love most things with the word ‘cock’ in the name) Walk around with your head held high and pretend you are famous and that everyone loves you. Talk to strangers – but don’t be a pain in the ass, make new friends and dance like you mean it. Ain’t life grand?
SOMETIMES, AND I DO MEAN SOMETIMES, YOU NEED CHEERING UP AND FOOD CAN DO THAT
Cupcakes. They are the food of the future. Think about it…it is a perfectly formed individual cake JUST FOR ONE PERSON. What the hell is more indulgent that that?!
You’re welcome x