THE DEFINITION OF ‘BEIGE’

  • Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin – Seriously now. Could you get more fucking boring? Then there is all that macro biotic shit and naming your kids after fruit and veg…so yes, I guess you could get more boring.
  • Having specific nights to do everything..i.e. Monday is laundry night, Tuesday we nip down the grocery store, Wednesday we have sex etc etc Get yourself a life…they’re nice.
  • Being a scenester and all looking the same, then going to a gig to be ‘seen’ on the ‘scene’ and just standing against the wall looking miserable in your over styled ensemble.
  • French mani’s…or worse…french pedi’s! Who the hell wants brilliant white toe nail tips?! (cue attack)
  • Missionary position – we’ve come a long way now people. Although, sometimes this can be just what the doctor ordered – so let’s call this more of a ‘tan’ than a ‘beige’.
  • Those bloody magazines that have pictures of a celeb (usually Sienna Miller or someone from Gossip Girl) and then they tell you where to shop to get the exact same outfit ‘on a budget’ – oh my shattered nerves.
  • Poland. (sorry Poland)
  • Those ‘built to plan’ houses furnished with the same old shit from IKEA. Then everyone sits on their beige sofa (come now, we know it’s gonna be beige), watching Australian Idol, eating dinner off their laps (chicken parma or spag boll with ‘fake’ Parmesan) and then off to their beige beds to have sex in the missionary position or not at all. This is my worst nightmare realised. (*NOTE: I enjoy IKEA – but we all know what I’m talking about here)
  • Tattoo’s that are like so fully symbolic with a squillion meanings and the person goes on and on about the different colours and how they thought about the design and how it didn’t hurt at all until they got to the boney bit blah blah blah. Get over your beige selves.
  • Decorating your bathroom with a ‘nautical’ feel and putting seashells everywhere. Oh God. It’s been done.
  • Facebook Status updates that say, ‘It’s raining! On a day like this all I want to do is snuggle in bed and watch DVDs’ – oh wow! What a good idea! Nobody else ever thinks of that…so glad you gave us such a brilliant plan! Jesus, the beigness is blinding.
  • Luke warm coffee. Why is it that I have to ask them to make it ‘extra hot’ these days? Luke warm ANYTHING is just not enjoyable.
  • ‘All Age’ gigs. As a friend once said; watching a band without a drink in your hand is like having sex with your clothes on. It’s OK. But it’s not ideal.
  • Skinny jeans. Vans. a Mo when it’s not Movember. Flanno. Beanie (even in tropical weather). You’re like so anti everything, yet you’re like so mainstream. Like oh my gosh.
  • ‘Themed’ parties. I’m so over them I couldn’t BE more over them. Let’s all make a ‘beige’ themed party and go as a slutty nurse or something.
  • Finding the perfect ‘shade’ of paint for your IKEA house. Let’s get real…you know you’re just gonna choose beige.
  • Toast with nothing on it.
  • Telling me a long drawn out story about your child’s bowel movements. Hey man, you chose that life – spare me the details.

Beige isn’t a colour. It’s a lifestyle choice.

21 Comments on THE DEFINITION OF ‘BEIGE’

  1. Anonymous // 2009-12-17 at 8:55 PM // Reply

    Dear Author

    I've got one: Making a list of things which you consider "beige" even though it's comon sense.
    Oh and then deleting comments made by other readers……..

  2. Dear Owlgirl

    Sorry, the anonymous post was made by me. My very sexy friend just made clear to me that leaving anonymous comments is pretty damn lame.
    So here we go – making a list of things which you consider "beige" even though it's comon sense….it's been done before….
    And yes thank you for letting all of us know that doggy style is the best position……*oh my gosh you're sooo emanzipated….no one would have ever had enough balls to post something like that….* btw it's pretty hard to be sarcastic when texting so I put the sarcastic part in *stars*
    I hopefuly did not make you mad or piss you off too much, but if you're gonna counter to this comment with an even more "awesome*" post….please consider that I probably won't answer….love ya xoxo

  3. Fair dues Chupajones, fair dues. *Thanks for reading* you really didnt have to. Also, those comments were deleted by the author…I am not the author. I wish I could give as much constructive critisism to your lovely words, but alas, I am unable to speak your language. Peace out x

  4. Anonymous // 2009-12-18 at 12:50 AM // Reply

    I forgot missionary still existed. And fuck that Crayola box is hilarious. "Multicultural Crayons" ?? Really? Hahaha I find that so awkward. Also, Monday IS laundry night, okay! This does not make me beige! It's being organised. I don't want to end up one of those grots who decides their daily outfits based on the smell test.

  5. haha, as long as you maybe mix up the times…and the rest of your week is a little more spontanious…please take my ranting posts with a bit of the 'ol tongue in the 'ol cheek :) xx

  6. oh and Sarah, thanks for your comments…even though you deleted them :) x

  7. Well, obviously you have never been to Poland, because this country is everything but…beige. Those people really know how to party!! It was one of the most exciting vacations I ever had.

  8. I laughed out loud, you rock!

  9. Dear Dear me!

    How good would it be if constructive critisism was actually constructive? that's the world I one day hope to live in!

    Chupajones, I am concerned for your safety- did somebody tie you up, sticky tape your eyes open and force you to read the entirity of the blog? Man that shit is hectic…youre probably going to be a story on perthnow.com.au recieving CONSTRUCTIVE critism from the readers comments.
    " Personalityless german forced to endure ruthless blog against his/her will"
    Can't wait! Should be a good 2 minute time waster.

    *love ya xoxo*

  10. Note to self: My new favourite word is 'Personalityless' – top notch xx

  11. that escalated really fast

  12. It really did go up a good cuppy notches!

  13. Dear Owlgirl
    I must bow low. Your reaction isn't what I expected it to be. You acutally can handle critisism far better than I.
    I'm pretty sure you'd have lots of stuff to bitch about on my blog if you'd speak german. My posts are full of grammatical errors and pretty obvious facts about life and I use the word "ficken" (german word for fuck) way too much.
    A dear friend of mine made clear to me that it's not about revealing cool, dirty or crazy new things. It's more about texting about whats on everyones mind but noone actually has the balls to publish these things. Who am I to critisize you, not even giving you a chance to bitch back on my blog.
    No one forced me to read your posts but I guess you got my attention for some reason.
    Bravo love ya

  14. lets shake on it chupajones x

  15. Don't even think that I will leave you alone from now on. I'll be back! The future critisism will be as constructive as possible.
    Maybe this is the beginning of a real love story. (it's not but the thought is nice)

    Could you post something about male-stereotypes from a female point of view?

    For example: surferboy, skater, the traveler, the wannabe asshole, the girl whisperer, the tattoo artist…….you know what I mean right? I did the same thing about girls from a male point of view a year ago, will translate the whole thing into english so you have an example.

  16. you wont leave me alone? Lucky me :) That idea sounds like a possibility.

  17. Anonymous // 2009-12-19 at 10:39 AM // Reply

    hey, Poland is cool. Why do you think it's beige?

  18. I knew there would be a few Poland remarks haha, I guess it stems from a time I spoke to my grandparents who live in Liverpool and they said they were going on vacation to Poland…it just seemed so weird. It's hardly a tourist hotspot innit? I mean, I realise I may be coming off as a bit ignorant…but…yeah. Poland?! It's just so peculiar.

  19. Anonymous // 2009-12-20 at 1:12 AM // Reply

    i agree poland is not a turist hotspot at all. And it is peculiar, but in a good way. It is such a strange place, that you can't say it is beige. I mean you can say a lot of bad thinks about poland, exept for beige.
    xoxo

  20. Well, Poland might not come across as a tourist hotspot, but it's more of one than you'd imagine! x

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