SOMETIMES, YOU MIGHT MEET YOUR GREATEST FRIENDS LATER ON IN LIFE – I have met the best friend I have ever had at the age of 28. He is male and he is only 21. Hollywood and the norm tells us that your greatest friends are usually your friends you’ve known the longest…I don’t think this is the case. Often, the best friends we have are the ones we meet during the time we are most comfortable with ourselves – thus meaning that the person you have befriended knows the real you. Some of us may have found our mates at a younger age…well, you are bloody lucky.
NOT EVERYONE IS DESTINED TO GET MARRIED AND BREED – Geez and you ain’t a failure if you don’t do those things either. If you meet someone super fantastic and you know it’s gonna be mega awesome then get married and have a ball – but life isn’t necessarily about finding that one true mate and living happily ever after…God it’s so frikkin dangerous to think like that! What if you never meet them? You die alone and unfulfilled? What a load of God damn rubbish. I reckon learn to be alone, and learn to be happy on your own. Then if you do manage to find some dreamy individual … then you have managed to find someone worth witnessing the event that is your life…but the overall trick is to have a life worth witnessing.
DOGGY STYLE IS THE BEST POSITION – Sorry. But it is.
EVERYONE NEEDS A PURPOSE IN LIFE – Whether it’s waking up to look after your offspring, your job, your long term goals, or writing your ultra chic blog – it will keep that hamster wheel turning in your head. Waking up to finish those beers in the fridge, getting stoned and doing a job that neither enhances nor makes use of your immense capabilities (and they ARE immense by the way) is just a waste of a perfectly good life and nothing but a mediocre existence. Your wheel may still be turning…but the hamster is dead.
BARBIE DOLL BROADS AND OVERLY GROOMED DUDES CAN GET FUCKED – Eat a burger once in a while and come down to earth from your overly tanned cloud and party with us. Those that are less ‘each to their own’ and more ‘each to their clone’ make the world a beige place to live in. And we all know how I feel about beige.
IF YOU CAN’T TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT YOUR THRUSH SITUATION, PERIOD PAINS OR HOW YOUR BOYFRIEND FAILS TO MAKE YOU CUM THEN SERIOUSLY, WHO ELSE CAN YOU TELL? – Let’s get out of the dark ages please and talk about things that are fucked. It’s a calming realisation that we are not alone in our turmoils.
IF YOU CHECK YOUR PARTNERS PHONE AND EMAILS – YOU WILL GET UPSET – Quite frankly if you find something you don’t like, it’s your own bloody fault. Keep your nose out of their business you crazy bitch. The fact that you are tempted shows a crack in the ‘ol refuckinglationship so don’t dig your hole even deeper with being a dirty snoop a loop. We all have a bit of banter and harmless flirting going on with someone, whether we are in relationships or not and I do mean ALL OF US. We are human beings and we like to be admired and to know that we ‘still have it’. It’s whether we act on it or not that makes us the dickhead. So you reckon that it’s a good thing that he isn’t cheating on you just because he doesn’t have a chance because you are like a private detective? Sweety, you are just gonna make him want to lash out and do something silly, just to prove that he can. Let’s not be silly now and put down the mobile phone…it doesn’t belong to you.
‘OMG…HOW DO YOU THINK THAT TATTOO IS GONNA LOOK ON YOUR WEDDING DAY/WHEN YOU’RE OLD/WHEN YOU HAVE TO PICK UP YOUR KIDS FROM SCHOOL?’ – I reckon it will still look dope thanks.
Why don’t you cry about it x