1. The ‘moustache on a stick’ thing and other ‘Movember novelties’ are so tired it has slipped into a coma. Do not even get me started about having them involved in your wedding photos and as for the dress ups in a photo booth thing…why? Only boring people do that shit in order to make up for their lack of personality. Is it you?
  2. You know it is time for change when you are tired of self destructive behaviour. Those once obsessed by chaos and drama want nothing more than to shy away from it when they get older.
  3. The problem with requiring reassurance is that just by merely requiring it from another, you in turn are giving them plenty! Which is why they are all like, ‘Chill! Relax! It’s all good!’ In any kind of relationship (romantic or otherwise) balance is key. Give and take! Share and listen. Suck and blow.
  4. I find that being friends with someone based purely on obligation is extremely stressful and unnecessary. What do you think?
  5. If your instagram fails to upload, only try another three more times. After that, try to get a life! It’s just shoes/sunsets/breakfast/not important.
  6. Summer is almost here! Time to start eating light, shaving your legs, moisturising and shopping for swimsuits. And be honest with yourself! It’s not about being a certain size, it’s about how you FEEL. Are you happy? Good! Then I’m happy :) And if you’re not? Then stop eating bread and pasta.
  7. There are 2 kinds of men: Those who love sex and those who love women. The latter are way better in bed. And you can always tell.
  8. Anxious? Go for a walk, wash your hair, skype your nan, read, plough through your ‘to do’ list, roll one up…if you are so inclined. Do NOT eat all the sugar, call him, text him, lurk him, eat all the butter, pour your heart out on facebook. Just like this bastard weather, the tides of uncertainty soon will pass.
  9. You are not famous just because you know somebody who is famous. You know you already have an identity, right? You just lost it somewhere…go find it.
  10. My 150th warning: Stop sending nude photographs. Baby girl…he is going to show everyone. Trust me. Mama Owl knows these ‘tings.
  11. Kick it old school and take photos with film and get them developed. Make real life actual albums!  And remember, snaps of your holiday are only interesting to YOU…much like your dreams.  Trim the fat on the boring blow by blow details…i.e. ‘This is us waiting for a cab’ and ‘This is us in a cab’ – don’t beige others to tears please.
  12. Sex shouldn’t be painful, go see your doctor.
  13. Love shouldn’t be painful, walk away.
  14. Remember that time I said you should be using eye cream? You’re still using it, right?

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