I am utterly flabbergasted at the state of Mz Christina Aguilera. I woke up this morning minding my own business, put the kettle on, switched my computer on and was utterly amazed at yet another breakdown dressed in a pseudo positive package was all over the news after the American Music Awards yesterday. I’m usually pretty good at painting a picture with words but this you need to see for yourself because if I told you she emerged from a trailer you would never believe me.
‘I sing for freedom and for love. I look at my reflection and embrace the woman I’ve become. The unbreakable lotus in me. I’m now, set free.’ – Um…is she joking? From the outfits that look like the drag queens on stage made themselves with glitter and a glue gun to the Lady GaGa-esque ’embrace your inner freak’ mantra to the fake tan that makes her darker than Nicki Minaj it’s just all too much! Every single time this woman brings out a new album we are asked to ‘accept the new Christina’. I’d rather not thanks. Did you see her on the red carpet for this turd of an awards ceremony? Dat ass. It’s not even that she has eaten all the pies because Hell, I am hardly one to point the finger. My weight goes up and down more than the town bicycle’s knickers and usually when I’ve stacked on the Kay Gees its because I’m mega depresso and seek solace in a jar of mayonnaise. Something tells me that Chrissy here has been crying into a jar of Whole Egg Helmans for the better part of 2012. Ok she has a fat ass now and thats cool, I mean whatever but it’s the whole package I have issues with. She always aired on the side of tacky but I felt like that was during her twenties when she was full of angst and trying to break out of the Micky Mouse Club mould but then she seemed to find her way…I even went to see her in concert! This is her just 3 years ago and she was amazing… That voice man. I mean…she could go be one of the greats! Ella Fitzgerald, Etta James, Aretha Franklin…you know? Her and Mariah Carey just really know how to drive attention away from their actual talent with the help of tacky styling and macaroni and cheese. It’s like covering a beautiful, decadent chocolate cake made with real dark, organic chocolate with that white, plastic icing. You can’t taste the cake because all you get is a mouth full of processed sugar that makes you feel sick. Pack on the pounds, sure. Who are we to judge? When people get fat it’s not a conscious decision, it’s not like we go, ‘Hmmm I really would love to be a little rounder and not fit into any of my clothes and sweat like a pig the minute the temperature reaches over 23 degrees’ No…we get fat the same way we get thin, gradually. But it’s like they are all petrified of Lady GaGa so now they have decided they all need to be fucking ‘kooky’ and start calling their fans names (Xtina now calls her fans ‘my fighters’) which is quite frankly patronising. The day Beyonce starts giving us names I will mainline heroin. Oh Christina, why must thee regress so much? You know that picture of evolution? Where man starts out as an ape and then gradually becomes man? Except in this case, if it were picturing Christina Aguilera it would be standing up as a man and then regressing back to being an ape. Let’s take a look shall we:
So here she is ‘busting onto the scene’ looking all fresh faced and nineties. We were all Britney crazy at the time so it was refreshing to have a new little blonde cock puppet out who could actually sing. She had it all! The voice, the suggestive lyrics…’I’m a genie in a bottle you gotta rub me the right way’ that made young boys cream their pants. Cute. I liked her. OK, now we see the real Christina starting to rear it’s half naked head. She’s like 2o/21 now and becoming ‘a woman’ which means to be as sexy as possible by wearing less clothes and more make-up. Write that down. Here we have a full fledged woman… It was during this time she wore some awesome outfits like this one And this one… And of course… I mean, the girl was obviously ‘finding herself’… Haha, when I look at all these Google images of Christina I can’t believe we even get vex over the Nicki Minajs and Gagas of this world when it has clearly all been done before. Which is why it bothers me that she is revisiting old tricks! ANYWAY! then out came the very apt ‘Back to Basics’ which, for me, was when this bitch was in her prime! Ok she still wore a truckload of make-up but it seemed that she got her skank-o-rama phase out of her system and was on the way to being the artist she is clearly meant to be. Someone memorable, someone credible, someone who constantly raises the bar. And my favourite… She still liked to remind us she was a woman though which we became to love her for… And then she got married… had a bub… And then after a while came the album ‘Bionic Woman’. Remember it? Yeah neither. But I do remember the lyric from one of the songs going, ‘Tonight I’m not the same girl, same girl’ like almost trying to tell us, ‘Hey I may be married and with child but I’m still XTINA! from Dirrty!‘ Girl…you need to chill. You are a MOTHER now. You can still be sexy, actually you’re probably more sexy! So you can put some clothes on and add a little mystery and intrigue and take away the raunch and obviousness of it all because like haven’t you been there, done that? *sigh* On a side note, who does the styling for these broads? I’ll tell you who…gays. Flying, fruity, ‘fabulous’ queens who enjoy dressing woman as a parody of themselves. You have a son… Now we have the new album Lotus. She is divorced, stacked on 30kg, her kid is nowhere to be seen in any photographs, she is dating one of her dancers and falling out of bars with teenagers. And revealing her new image to be this Christina please, I urge you to rid yourself of these skanky demons and bring out that inner diva we see glimmers of from time to time. We wouldn’t even care if you were just some two bit pop star but you have the potential to go down in history as the voice of a generation! Someone who they might even make a movie about! You don’t need to try and follow the lead of the Katy Perrys and Lady Whatevers of this world. You should ring up Kanye! Just LOOK what he has done with Kim! Actually, this is a wonderful idea. You would have his number right? Get him on board love! In the meantime I think you need to avoid trailers and the advice of queens dressed in neon spandex and diamante. Hone your craft, tap into that soul sister we used to see and bring out some more classics. Who knows? You might feel comfortable with your new body but damn girl, as my grandmother always says, you cant pour a pint into a half pint pot. I’ll leave you with this very poignant classic by Christina and hopefully we’ll see her pull herself out of this one man circus she is involved in soon.